Soucek and Bowen see off lacklustre Leicester

West Ham 2 Leicester City 0

Brian Dear and Geoff Pike are on the pitch before kick-off sharing memories of Ronnie Boyce, along with some replays of his FA Cup winning goal in 1964. I'm joined by Matt, still trying to understand the rules of rugby and how to depart from Twickenham, Lisa, Nigel, Michael and Big Sam. 

Matt is on fine form asking us which player on the pitch has a sibling who is an MP. It is of course Bobby de Cordova-Reid, whose sister Marsha de Cordova is MP for Battersea. Not a lot of people know that. 

Up against a team that has lost ten out of 11 matches, what could possibly go wrong? The stadium is strangely subdued as if the crowd sense a possible banana skin. It's an unchanged side from Arsenal, with Scarles and Wan-Bissaka high up the pitch as wing-backs. Leicester have an early shot through Ndidi, but after that it's all West Ham probing, albeit rather slowly at times. 

West Ham take the lead after Bowen and Soucek initiate an attack on the right, the ball is cleared, Creswwell crosses for Kudus to fire against Hermansen and Tomas Soucek taps home the rebound. No-one celebrates that much awaiting VAR to deem it offside, but in fact Vestergaard is playing Kudus onside. Tomas wheels away to celebrate his sixth goal of the season dreaming of extra potato salad on his 30th birthday.

Bowen shoots wide after good work from Wan-Bissaka and Ward-Prowse. The second duly arrives when Ward-Prowse's corner causes confusion in the box. Bowen gathers the ball on the byline  and shoots across goal from a tight angle, the ball deflecting in off Vestergaard. Credit to Bowen for his improvisation, but it's another poor goal for hapless Leicester to concede.

We're anticipating a possible thrashing to boost our goal difference in the second half, but West Ham start to showboat a bit and seem to have settled for a two-goal win. The 38-year-old Jamie Vardy has lost his pace and Areola has very little to do. The Leicester fans celebrate a corner with ironic abandon.

The Greek Bloke, Emerson and Soler come on for Todibo, who has looked solid again, Scarles and Alvarez and the side's rhythm is further disrupted. Eventually Ferguson comes on too and he should score after Bowen sets him up with a great run from his own half. But the Brighton loanee takes three touches instead of two and allows a tackle to come in - the sign of a player lacking in confidence.

Still, it's a professional win against a side that looks certain to go down and it's hard to complain about six points and two clean sheets in five days even if it wasn't great fare for the TNT viewers. These are WHU's first back to back wins since last March. At the final whistle I'm prepared to predict that we'll stay up now we're 16 points clear of Ipswich.

We head to Ye Olde Black Bull for a swift pint of Brixton Pale for me and a Wherry for Matt that isn't Wherry good. The consensus is that the Premier League is in a poor state when you can predict the bottom three and champions in February. But a win is a win and it's now very much a case of finishing as high as WHU can and preparing for next season. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 6, Todibo 6 (Mavropanos 6), Kilman 6, Cresswell 6, Scarles 6 (Emerson 5); Soucek 7 (Irving n/a), Alvarez 6 (Soler 5), Ward-Prowse 6; Kudus 7 (Ferguson 5), Bowen 8.

Maddison men mug Irons as slump continues

West Ham 0 Leicester City 2

In the Best Cafe Matt is quizzing us on the nine current and past West Ham players likely to be going to the World Cup. He's particularly pleased that we stumble on Edmilson Fernandes with Switzerland and Javier Hernandez of Mexico, though we did get Cheikhou Kouyate with Senegal.

Inside the stadium the sun is in our eyes despite the promises of the reservation centre at Westfield six years ago. At first we think the Cockney Rejects have mellowed and got a brass section, though the band on the pitch prove to be here for Remembrance Sunday and do a version of Bubbles which brings back memories of the old 1970s band.

West Ham start with some attacks for a change but still go behind after eight minutes. Kehrer jockeys Barnes away from goal but Paqueta hasn't tracked Dewsbury-Hall who crosses for Daka. The Leicester striker miskicks but it falls to Maddison who is more alert than Cresswell and fires into the roof of the net.

Fabianski has to make a great save from a long-distance shot from Amartey, while Zouma, who pulled up in the warm-up, has to go off to be replaced by Aguerd. Faced with adversity the Irons do make a spirited response, helped by Maddison departing with an injury. Benrahma does really well to wriggle through and force a one-handed save from Ward. The Leicester keeper then makes another fine save after Paqueta's header is looping into the top corner and Soucek has a goal disallowed for offside. 

But the Hammers then crumble at the back again. Dawson tackles through Daka before getting the ball and though the ref rules play on VAR decides correctly that it's a penalty. Thankfully Fabianski makes a great save to keep out Tieleman's well-struck spot-kick.

Nigel's lucky banana and lucky banana case aren't working. The second half sees West Ham produce one of their better performances of the season only to lack any kind of clinical finish. Kehrer gets in a fine cross but Scamacca hasn't gambled to get on the end of it. Rice puts a free header over the bar and shoots wide. A series of corners come to nothing as Moyes replaces Soucek with Fornals. Rice is everywhere, but we miss the crossing ability of Coufal. Bowen, who looks tired and is often too deep, has one shot deflected over and is then foiled by a great block as Faes and the Leicester defence excel.

The game is sealed with 12 minutes to go as Perez plays in Barnes, who gets past Aguerd too easily and slips the ball past the onrushing Fabianski. Worryingly, West Ham heads go down even though the match is still redeemable. Leicester see the game out comfortably.

It's off to the Eagle for our last drink until after Christmas. Three home games and three defeats in six days — it doesn't get worse than this. Moyes has done a great job in the last two seasons but his project has stalled. He deserves time over the break to try to get Paqueta, Scamacca, Kehrer, Aguerd and the injured Cornet playing in a united team, but it's all looking disjointed and the side needs the elusive elixir of confidence. European progress has been excellent, but having spent big WHU have to be better than this, otherwise a relegation struggle beckons.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Kehrer 5, Dawson 5, Zouma (n/a) (Aguerd 5), Cresswell 5; Rice 8, Soucek 6 (Fornals 5), Benrahma 7, Paqueta 6, Bowen 6; Scamacca 5. 

We're top of the league!

West Ham 4 (four) Leicester City 1

After 18 months we're all back in the London Stadium feeling childishly excited, having arrived an hour before kick-off. Nigel is wearing his vintage Deep Purple t-shirt to add some colour for the blog, Matt and Lisa have left the Best Cafe early to be here and Private Fraser is saying he never doubted Captain Moyes for a moment. 

Meanwhile Scott is behind us with Steve the Cornish Postie, up on a delayed train from Poldark-land that took a mere eight hours, plus Joe, who is carrying a bag containing a book of Basque recipes and a Dictionary, as you do. We're minus foul weather fan Alison and Michael the Whovian is also absent, as he has a play to run, though he will have been gutted to miss Ricardo Vaz Te on the big screen. Matt dispenses copies of When Saturday Comes plus footie and Wainwright paperbacks, while Nigel tempts fate by saying that if we win 4-0 we go top. 

THEY FLY SO HIGH

Bubbles is rousing after all this time as the team come on accompanied by flame throwers (best kept away from Bobby Moore's pubs) and there's a carnival atmosphere among the fans. Benrahma has an early sighter, but the first half an hour is fairly equal. But it's West Ham who take the lead with a marvellously incisive goal. Rice picks up Vardy's loose ball and finds Bowen who feeds Fornals. Pablo lets the ball run across his body in Brooking-esque fashion, plays a one two with Benrahma and strokes home the return with a cleverly weighted shot. The new squared-off ends ensure a much more fervent celebration as the stadium goes effing mental. 

It gets better for WHU as Fornals goes down after a challenge from Perez, VAR gets involved and the Leicester forward is red-carded for a clumsy forward's challenge. Soucek and Ogbonna go close with headers as the Hammers go in at the break winning one-nil. At half-time Nigel is discouraged from eating his lucky banana as we struggle to find something to complain about. 

It's the best atmosphere we've had at the London Stadium and the intensity of the crowd appears to unsettle ten-man Leicester. Soyuncu plays a blind back-pass to Schmeichel that Antonio intercepts and coolly plays in Benrahma for Said to tap home his second of the season.

The Irons look certain to score a third. Fornals whips in a great cross and Antonio has a header well saved by Schmeichel. If he'd headed it downwards he would have scored. Creswell then volleys just over from the edge of the box.

Only suddenly Leicester are back in it. Maddison crosses and Tielemans' shot rebounds off Cresswell and rather luckily falls straight back to him, ready for the Leicester man to poke home. Encouragingly the home crowd respond positively and roar the lads forward. 

TAKING THE MICHAIL

Antonio's long range effort is tipped round the post by Schmeichel and Dawson heads wide. Finally the game is put to bed in the 80th minute. The indefatigable Rice gets down the left, aided by a clever return pass from Cresswell, and crosses in to the box. Antonio has his back to goal but holds off Soyuncu to swivel and shoot home. Having broken Paolo Di Canio's record to become West Ham's top PL scorer, he races to the dug out to re-enact a scene from Dirty Dancing with a giant cut-out of himself. 

Four minutes later he's at it again, taking a great touch from Coufal's cross to bamboozle the Foxes' defence and poke home. What a night. "Antonio!! Antonio!!" echoes around the stadium. They'll be dancing in the streets of Crantock tonight.

Perhaps this is the game where the London Stadium finally started to feel like home.Even better Mystic Morris wasn't quite accurate with his 4-0 prediction — 4-1 is enough to take us top on goals scored. Stop the season now!

We retreat to the Refreshment Rooms for a couple of pints of Meantime as Nigel finally eats his lucky banana before dashing for the last train to Felixstowe. What a start to the season it's been, though Nigel does point out that Carlisle were once top after three games. We still need to sign some players, but we'll take this. All we have to do is keep Antonio fir for 60-odd games. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 7, Dawson 7, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 7; Rice 8, Soucek 7, Benrahma 8 (Noble n/a), Fornals 8, Bowen 7; Antonio 9 (Yarmolenko n/a).

Sacked in the evening...

West Ham 1 Leicester City 2

So the Manuel Pellegrini era has ended. Just as our group of dispirited Hammers were discussing likely new managers in the Refreshment Rooms — covering Benitez, Moyes, Hughton, Eddie Howe, Trevor Brooking, Ludek Miklosko and Christian Dailly —  the breaking news emerged on the TV screen. The pub erupted in cheers and a chorus of Bubbles, so it's clear most West Ham fans have had enough.

Pellegrini has seemed so rigid in his thinking in recent months and has never really grasped that WHU are sleepwalking towards relegation. He has twice broken West Ham's transfer record on Anderson and Haller and neither have delivered this season, while the obvious need for defensive signings and a new box-to-box midfielder has been ignored. 

It was the performance after going 2-1 behind tonight that really did for him. Taking off Haller and playing Antonio alone up front was pretty much a managerial resignation note. There was no pounding of the opposition goal to get an equaliser and the fact the team aren't playing for him became sadly obvious.

The only positives were that Fabianski returned in goal and saved the penalty he gave away, and that Fornals swept home a nice equaliser with an assist from Anderson. The winner saw the midfield disappear and Sanchez fail to track Gray's run. This was against basically a Leicester League Cup side — they rested Vardy, Maddison, Chilwell, Soyoncu, Pereira and Tielemans and still beat West Ham comfortably. 

The best line of the night did go to Michael the Whovian, fresh from another pantomime at the Theatre Royal Stratford East, when we brought on Ajeti (pronounced A Yeti), who quipped that with Antonio we now had two abominable snowmen up front. Nigel announced that he is definitely not renewing his season ticket in the Championship, despite mysteriously carrying last season's Leicester programme with a picture of Moyes on the cover. The Vicar's Son was exasperated by Masuaku's performance and Ajeti's two fluffs in front of goal and Fraser opted for anyone but Moyes (unless it's Big Sam or Pulis). Most of the crowd just seemed apathetic, conditioned to West Ham failure.

The only thing that went well was the pre-match tributes to Martin Peters from Geoff Hurst and Brian Dear. A sad end to a terrible run after a fourth successive home defeat and two wins in 14 matches. Pellegrini seemed a decent man, but he hasn't justified his £7m salary and really had to go on this season's form. The board have to get the next appointment right or it will be Championship football at the London Stadium.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Fredericks 5, Diop 4, Balbuena 5, Masuaku 5; Rice 5, Sanchez 4 (Snodgrass 5); Anderson 5, Fornals 6, Lanzini 4 (Ajeti 3); Haller 4 (Antonio 5).

Carpet-bagging Foxes spoil Hammers' claret party

West Ham United 2 Leicester City 2

It's in to the Clyde Best Meze to meet Michael, who is very excited after an audience with Jeremy Young, who acted in the first ever Doctor Who story An Unearthly Child. Not that Michael is a Whovian. There's a late cameo from Nigel, who arrives for a bacon sandwich having re-mortgaged his house for a trip to Old Trafford last week. In a major tactical error Matt and Lisa are away at at a wedding in Symonds Yat, having been foolish enough to consort with people idiotic enough to get married during the football season.

We walk to the stadium along an unseasonably sweltering Carpenters Road, which is all very worrying if you've seen David Attenborough's Climate Change: The Facts — in 20 years London might be inundated, the world will be burning and even worse, West Ham will still be trophyless. Inside we meet Fraser, the Raymond Chandler of E20, middle-class Clactonians Alison and Scott and south London Irons Gavin and Ilona.

RUG TESTING
The big talking point is the new claret carpet. It's a PR disaster to trumpet it a few weeks after Spurs have unveiled a billion pound stadium, but it does improve things a little and makes the pitch seem slightly smaller. "You've only come for the carpet!" is the chant aimed at the Leicester fans.

The Irons start off well, as if still indignant after the robbery at Old Trafford. Antonio just fails to connect with an Arnautovic cross and then bundles Anderson's cross wide. It's certainly much more lively than the Everton game. Maddison has a couple of long range shots but West Ham take a deserved lead when Noble, who is having a fine game, crosses with his left foot. Antonio nips in front of Morgan and Evans to head home. His celebration is brilliant as he caresses the hallowed carpet, admiring its texture and weave.

Rodgers clearly has words with Leicester and they come out looking galvanised for the second half. We can see the equaliser coming as, sure enough, Chilwell gets in a good cross and Vardy brilliantly nips in front of Balbuena to flick home. 

SUPER LUCAS
Anderson immediately goes on a storming run into the box as the Hammers are spurred into life. Scott does a Mystic Matt and bemoans the arrival of Perez, as Mystic May predicts he'll score a hat-trick. The departing and dispirited Arnautovic hasn't looked anything like the striker he was under Moyes. Lucas immediately runs about a lot and raises the crowd. When fellow sub Obiang fires a shot against the inside of the post, Perez is on hand to stroke home for a good poacher's goal. 

Just as we've said that the ref is having a much better game without the presence of the Vicar's Son, Lee Probert starts to miss handballs and blatant fouls. Perez is then denied his second goal after Obiang does well to win a tackle and play him in. Lucas rounds Schmeichel and scores only to see it wrongly disallowed for offside by Mr Probert. Perez was clearly level with the last man. 

It all gets a bit surreal as Jack Wilshere makes a rare appearance with five minutes left. Can the Hammers hold on to a 2-1 lead? Of course we can't. In added time Tielemans plays a fine through ball, Masuaku and Obiang are slow to track Harvey Barnes, and the Leicester man strokes home his first goal for the club. Hopefully there will be a routine rug test after this.

Matt texts to say that he changed his password to "West Ham's defence" but the computer said it was extremely weak. We talk Gavin out of trying the Carpenters Arms and head for the Refreshment Rooms. There's a good discussion about border terriers with Gav and Ilona, who unlike WHU have never lost the lead. We're joined by Gambling Dan, who is now betting on Antonio to score a hat-trick every game at the appealing odds of 250-1. 

If nothing else it's been an entertaining game, though West Ham could have had six points instead of one from the last two games. Though we do have a nice carpet.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Zabaleta 6, Balbuena 6, Ogbonna 6. Masuaku 6; Snodgrass 6 (Obiang 7), Noble 7 (Wilshere n/a), Rice 7, Anderson 6; Antonio 7, Arnautovic 4 (Perez 7); The Carpet 10.

Super Schmeichel defies Hammers

West Ham 2 Leicester City 3

I’m taking Her Indoors to her first game for 20 years, and at Hackney Wick Nicola’s pleasantly surprised to find a German deli and an art gallery café selling chocolate Brownies. Just like Green Street really. We meet the O’Brien clan by the giant bell and then join Nigel, Fraser and Michael in the stadium, along with Matt’s sister’s mate Bob, a West Ham fan over from San Francisco. The PA plays Vera Lynn’s version of Bubbles before the kick-off as the club salutes her 100^th birthday.

It’s a terrible start. After five minutes Mahrez crosses and, distracted by Vardy and Okazaki’s leaps, Randolph allows the cross to drift past him. Two minutes later a short free kick confuses the defence and Albrighton chips forward for the unmarked Huth to head home. Our new American Iron Bob is a litigation specialist in San Francisco and contemplates an action against the West Ham defence. Nigel suggests that Vera Lynn could do a better job at the back.

THEY'RE WINNING AWAY 

“How shit must you be, we’re winning away?” chant the Leicester fans,

Winston Reid and Obiang both go off with serious-looking injuries. Nicola, more used to equine sports, asks if players get put out to grass or shot if they don’t recover after ten days. That could spell trouble for Andy Carroll.

West Ham gain a free kick after Antonio is brought down. “It might all look different if this goes in,” I suggest, prompting Nigel to remark that I‘m an eternal optimist. Thankfully Lanzini puts a great effort into the top corner and Nigel’s temporarily converted to a Panglossian worldview.

Two-one would give us a chance at half-time, but the Hammers crumble again as Carroll fails to get his head on a corner and a confused defence allows Vardy to scramble home. Lanzini shoots just wide, but at half-time it’s looking bleak. Losing to a team that hasn't won away all season.

Vardy chips wide at the start of the second half but from then on it’s solid West Ham pressure. Lanzini has another great game and Antonio and Ayew start to trouble the Leicester defence. Byram is effective going forward on the right, though sometimes his final ball betrays a lack of confidence.

Lanzini’s free kick is parried by Schmeichel and from the resulting corner Andy Carroll gets a header in at the back post and sets up Ayew who nods home. Game on. The noise level rises and the crowd sense an equaliser.

The forgotten Arthur Masuaku has come on for Cresswell and has a good attacking game on the left. He plays the ball back for Antonio to cross to Carroll, whose header is goalbound until Schmeichel somehow scrambles it off the line and around the post.

The equaliser should come after a great dribble by Antonio splits the defence and sets up Ayew in front of goal. Somehow he blazes over when any shot on target would have gone in. 

JEEPERS KEEPERS 

West Ham still surge forward. There’s an almighty scramble from a corner as Kouyate has a shot off the line and Carroll gets in a low shot. In added time Ayew is brought down and from the free kick Snodgrass fires into the wall. The ball deflects to Andy Carroll who gets in a shot only for Schmeichel to make an astonishing save with his hand. It’s the old ‘star save’ that his dad Peter used to specialise in.

So it’s no glorious 3-3 comeback and we trek to the King Edward to meet Gavin, reflecting that we scored the best goal of the game but will never win until we start to defend properly. Though Leicester do look to be back to their best and Huth stopped everything. 

Fraser and Michael go to the bar and inform me that the bitter is from the bottom of the barrel. “Not the first time we’ve scraped he barrel today,” quips Michael. Though Nicola’s request for European wine means we’re given glasses rather than plastic skiffs. Michael leaves early for a Vera Lynn tribute concert, muttering, “We’ll score again, don’t know where, don’t know when…”

At home Nicola says she doesn’t know how I go to matches as all that willing the team to score gives you a headache. I explain that as a West Ham fan you get used to the idea that you lose some and you draw some. And apart from deep psychosis it has no long-lasting effects.

Serious improvement is needed to the defence if we’re to get the win or two we need to stay up. We’ve seen a good second half performance and an inspired opposition keeper, but Bilic has a lot of thinking to do during the international break.

PLAYER RATINGS: Randolph 5; Byram 6, Fonte 4, Reid 5 (Snodgrass 6), Cresswell 5 (Masuaku 6); Lanzini 8, Obiang 6 (Fernandes 5), Kouyate 6; Ayew 6, Antonio 6, Carroll 7.

Back to reality as Hammers out-Foxed by Leicester

West Ham 1 Leicester City 2

As the tube arrives at Upton Park there’s sense of sadness at the thought that this is is the last time we’ll be starting a season at the Boleyn. And does the clock still stand at ten to three, Rupert Brooke style? No, the sexist “Don’t kill your wife let us do it!” sign above the dry cleaners in Green Street has lost its clockface entirely, as if time has stopped altogether in E13, which is probably a matter for Michael the Whovian.

At the station I’ve bumped into my old schoolmate Steve who still travels up from Cornwall for home games, a sign of the strange devotion our not often successful team inspires. Inside Ken’s Café Matt and Lisa are attending their second game of the day having already seen the under-18s at Little Heath and been in close proximity to Martin Samuelson, while Michael is looking forward to Bakkhai at the Almeida, which is presumably some play about a Greek full-Bakkhai

WHAT A STREAMER

For some reason it’s “claret and blue day”. As the teams come on claret and purple streamers cascade from above the stands. Are they the remnants of an Ann Summers’ gift-wrapping outlet? One gets caught in the roof of the East stand and stays there all game.

West Ham have a decent first 20 minutes as a free kick from Payet sees Morgan head against his own bar and Sakho volleys over after a Zarate shot is blocked. But slowly Leicester come into it. Vardy and Jenkinson are causing Jenkinson problems and the speedy Vardy is booked for clattering into Adrian. On the other flank Mahrez skins Cresswell and forces a good save from Adrian. The Hammers’ custodian then makes a decent save from Huth only for the ref to give a goal kick. Adrian makes a “shush” gesture to the Bobby Moore Stand.

It all goes wrong on 27 minutes. Reid doesn’t get close enough to Vardy, who crosses. Young Oxford has lost Okazaki and the Japanese striker produces a brilliant back-heeled volley. Adrian saves but the new City striker heads the rebound home. Ironic considering Vardy’s recent linguistic issues with a Japanese punter.

Ten minutes later we’re 2-0 down as Allbrighton gets down the left and despite five defenders in the box Mahrez arrives to fire home. “We’re Leicester City we’re top of the league!” chant the away fans.

West Ham rally a little before the break. Payet plays in Sakho who lobs wide but is also brought down by Schmeichel’s outstretched arm. Could easily be a penalty.

Bilic takes off Reece Oxford at half-time and brings on Obiang. Oxford has done some good things, but at 16 he’s still learning the game and this will be part of his education. A "Cologne Hammers" banner hangs from the Bobby Moor Stand and you wonder if they think it is worth it. 

But Obiang has a decent game and brings some good tackling and pace to the holding role. The Irons look a different side with Zarate hugging the left touchline and Payat more influential. Zarate comes infield to finds Noble, who crosses into the box. Payet’s first shot is blacked but the rebound is played into his path by Kouyate and the Frenchman sidesteps a defender to score a classy goal. Suddenly the crowd are up for it again.

In a spell of sustained pressure Zarate nearly scores the goal of the season after a mazy dribble but takes on one man too many. Leicester look dangerous on the break though and Drinkwater should make it three but fires over. Matt has his first Premier League tirade of the season at the hapless Jenkinson: “Don’t foul him… he wants the free kick… How difficult is it for Jenkinson not to foul him?”

The dependable Huth clears everything at the back for City. Our best chance comes when Payet’s header finds Sakho who volleys at Schmeichel who makes an instinctive save with his chest. There are only three minutes of added time, which is odd considering Leicester’s timewasting.

JEEPERS KEEPERS

Adrian goes up for one final corner, leaving an empty goal, which seems an unnecessary risk. When the ball is cleared the Hammers’ keeper lunges in foot up and boots Vardy in the chest. Adrian’s eyes are on the ball but it’s a dangerous challenge by a player who’s not used to being outfield and the ref has little choice but to send him off. So that could be three games out with suspension. “Let’s hope Robert Green has his bags packed,” suggests Fraser. Jenkinson has to go in goal for the last seconds.

As I head towards East Ham tube there’s a familiar rumble of discontent that could have come after any home defeat of the last 40 years. “Typical West Ham… How can we beat Arsenal and lose to Leicester… that was disgraceful… I bet Allardyce is sitting at home laughing…”

In truth Leicester look a half-decent side, but we’ve struggled against the basic tactic of using Vardy’s pace. The full-backs have looked poor defensively, although the second half performances of Zarate, Obiang and Payet were encouraging. But Sakho was isolated up front and we still need reinforcements and typically we now have a self-inflicted goalkeeping wound. A definite reality check after the Arsenal win.

TEAM RATINGS: Adrian 5; Jenkinson 4, Reid 6, Ogbonna 5, Cresswell 5; Oxford 5 (Obiang 6), Payet 7, Noble 6, Kouyate 5 (Lanzini 5); Zarate 7 (Maiga 5), Sakho 5.

A Christmas Carroll

West Ham United 2 Leicester City 0

Early doors my daughters have to be taken to the Olympia Horse Show. Declining the offer to stay for the jumping, I head for the match. It’s been a long time since my match day route has begun from West London, probably 1985-86 in my Westbourne Park tower block days— could this be a sign?

Inside Ken’s Cafe Michael the Whovian is awaiting his big breakfast, while Nigel’s been to Chichester where his B & B was being run by the daughter of Philip Jackson, the sculptor who made the Moore Hurst and Peters statue and the Bobby Moore statue at Wembley. Matt is back, tanned from his trip to the Galapagos Islands, and now hoping to watch West Ham’s evolving brand of turtle football, quips Nigel. Though he is still a little bemused that Lisa chose to ignore the sign to the municipal stadium and visit a turtle breeding sanctuary instead.

Leicester play fluidly for the first 15 minutes and don’t look that bad a side, with Schlupp impressing and Reid having to make some timely blocks. Sakho volleys wide after being found by Nolan but that’s our only chance until Downing crosses low from the left and Andy Carroll balloons the ball into the Sir Trevor Brooking Stand in front of an awning goal.

PAUL KONCHESKY HE'S ONE OF OUR OWN!

It looks like it might be a frustrating afternoon until the 24^th minute, when Paul Konchesky plays a back pass straight into the path of Andy Carroll. This time he scores with a lovely dink over the keeper and runs to the Alpari to perform a Strictly-style knee slide.

“Paul Konchesky he’s one of our own!” chant the mischievous elements in the Bobby Moore Stand.

It’s not over yet though. Tomkins fluffs a clearance and Vardy finds Mahrez who fires in a stinging shot that Adrian does well to fist over.

The game looks to be settled ten minutes after half-time though, as Sakho’s header finds Stewart Downing. He controls the ball cleverly before turning inside to send a sumptuous curler in the corner. A screamer from Stewie. Leicester's bearded goalie Hamer looks like he'd rather be selling overpriced cereal to Shoreditch hipsters than having to face shots like that in E13.

Bubbles, “Barcelona we’re coming for you!” and “We’re gonna win the league!” echo around the stadium.

IF THE WEST HAM ARE UNITED 

It’s quite a scrappy game overall and West Ham relax too much towards the end, though Song has had another superb game despite several clatterings. Sub Enner Valencia makes a weak attempt to block a pass and from the cross Adrian produces a stunning save from Nugent’s volley. Leicester play with some spirit and keep attacking. Late on Adrian produces another brilliant save to deny Ulloa. And a claret and blue sunset illuminates the sky.

Sub James Collins has to produce a great clearing header too. There’s still time for Matt to produce a Maiga-style rant at Valencia for old times’ sake, but we see the game out and soon If the Kids Are United is playing on the PA and the happy Hammers fans depart knowing that we’ll be in the top four at Christmas. First time that’s happened since 1985-86. For once we haven't messed it up against the bottom side. 

We depart to the Central for a swift pint of IPA where groundhopper Nigel announces that he’s flown over Livingstone’s ground last week while Matt recalls the time he went weekend shopping in Leicester even though the game was moved to a Monday night because he’d already bought the train tickets. Fraser says he never doubted Big Sam. Then it’s on the bus and DLR to Poplar for Bob and Jane’s Christmas drinks and some splendid Talisker Black Storm whisky.

West Ham being in the top four is not humbug. Merry Christmas, Mr Allardyce! Merry Christmas Mr Carroll and Mr Downing! God bless us, everyone!

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 8, Jenkinson 6, Reid 7, Tomkins 6 (Collins 6), Cresswell 6; Kouyate 6, Nolan 5 (Amalfitano n/a), Song 8, Downing 8, Carroll 8, Sakho 6 (Valencia 5).

Baldock's cunning plan

West Ham 3 Leicester 2

In Ken’s Café Nigel is asking what is the only league club that doesn’t contain any letters of the word mackerel, while Jo enquires what is the only team whose letters you can’t colour in (it’s Hull City).  While Matt is tearing out selected pages from Time Out so he can recycle the rest in the bins by the East Stand. Middle-class football fans, eh?

At least we’re back to full strength in the East Stand, Fraser has recovered from a stomach bug, Matt’s voice is back and Nigel is over his man flu. And Robert Green is back in goal too.

We start a little tentatively. “That was terrible control from Faubert, He was awful on Monday night, and he ‘s only ever scored one goal for us…” muses Matt. “Why did Curbishley ever pay £6 million for him?”

But after 21 minutes Noble finds Carew who gets to the line and pulls back a fine cross. Baldock, manages to show a poacher’s hunger by outjumping the defence to head home.

JULIEN JULIEN JULIEN!
A minute later Noble finds O’Brien with an excellent crossfield ball and the full-back pulls the ball back for Gustave Faubert to stroke into the corner. The French novelist runs to the half way line looking upwards in disbelief and possibly thanking his WAG Madam Bovary.

“Always said he was a good player,” claims Matt, as a text arrives from Lisa asking if he now takes back all the abuse he was heaping on Jules in the pub on Monday night.

“How shit must you be, we’re winning at home!” chant the Bobby Moore stand. We agree it’s time that chant ended – we’re actually a good side at this level.

The booked Carew goes off after half an hour to be replaced by Piquionne. In the last quarter of the first period Leicester show signs of a revival and just miss a couple of pull-backs in the box.

We have two chances early in the second half. Piquionne outmuscles the defence but shoots at the keeper when he could have crossed for Baldock, while Collison declines to shoot when he has a clear opening.

Leicester pull a goal back through King after some bad defending allows King to elude McCartney and Nolan to score at the far post.

Leicester have most of the game now, but Schmeichel makes a brilliant save from Baldock’s low shot after McCartney’s fine cross.

SAM'S TOWN
But we appear to have won the game after 75 minutes when from Green’s kick Piquionne heads on and Baldock expertly prods home. A three-touch route one goal that will surely have had Big Sam salivating.

Only this being West Ham we soon concede a goal – albeit a brilliant volley from Andy King that flies into the top corner. Not much we could do about that one.

Journeyman striker Howard causes all sorts of problems for us in the air at the back. Leicester then go agonisingly close to equalizing as Tomkins’ deflects Howard’s effort on to the bar.

Young Freddie Sears comes on and has clearly been promised extra sweets when he goes trick or treating if he keeps the ball in the corner.

Noble manages to calm things down with some cool passes out of defence and after four minutes of stoppage time we celebrate victory.

“In a perverse way it’s encouraging. We’ve taken six points from two games we could have drawn,” says Nigel, at the end of a very entertaining match. Noble has played well and appears to be coming out of Parker’s shadow, while Baldock looks a quality striker.

We retreat to the Black Lion for some soothing Maldon Gold. Bottom of the table Bristol City next and the chance to go top — what could possibly go wrong?