Hammers blow lead in claret and blue derby: Fullkrug and AWB go while Piroe signs

Burnley 2 West Ham 2

Watched this one at the Royal Oak in Lewes while on a mini-break in Sussex. The Irons' game has one screen while the rest of the pub is watching some minor match between Arsenal and Man City. 

My pint of Long Man is good and the Hammers stroke it around quite well early on. WHU take an early lead when Bowen's corner is nodded home by Max Kilman, who has lost his marker. His first goal for the club and a confidence-booster for Max.

Manor Solomon is giving the Hammers a better shape on the left but the eager but callow centre midfield of Kante and Orford is prone to getting caught on the break. Burnley slice a good chance wide and Hermansen's poor clearance also gifts them a chance. But at the break West Ham seem to be in control.

Pablo goes off injured at half-time and on comes James Ward-Prowse. Burnley come out looking much more determined. We forget to mark Flemming. First the Burnley man heads against the post and then has another header headed off the line by Ollie Scarles.

Bowen can't really get into the game and Taty is well-marshalled, but it looks over when Kante makes a surging run down the right, just keeping the ball in play, and fires in a low cross that is parried out by the Weiss and Solomon is on hand to shoot home.

It looks like an easy win from there on until the 83rd minute when Scarles, who has played well otherwise, lunges in and gives a penalty away with a rash challenge on Edwards. Flemming duly converts.

West Ham drop deep England-style and concede several corners. In the 92nd minute there's a melee from a corner and Flemming is on hand to scuff it home. Nice to know we still can't hold on to a lead. Burnley deserve their point and this is proof it won't be easy in the Championship.

A point away from home isn't a disaster, particularly with Kante and Orford making their full league debuts, but the Hammers need to be more ruthless. Michael the Whovian makes an interesting point on WhatsApp when he notes that we faded after Pablo went off. His heresy du jour is that, "although he doesn't score Pablo is very effective in closing down the back four and defensive midfielders. He breaks them up. He also brings balance to the side and gives confidence to Taty."

At least Engels might improve our means of production. Now Fullkrug has departed on loan to Bremen, probably still very angry, and Wan-Bissaka has been loaned to Aston Villa. We've finally signed a striker in Joel Piroe from Leeds, who looked very effective in the Championship where he was top scorer when Leeds won the title, but couldn't really do it in the Premier League. Encouragingly the Dutch-born striker and Surinam international also scored a goal every two games for Swansea in the Championship during his two seasons in Wales. 

He might be the next Ricardo Vaz Te as he failed to score for Leeds in 16 Premier League games but can certainly play at this level — and did have to compete with Calvert-Lewin last season. My fellow season-ticket holder Matt points out that West Ham have never had a player called Joel and in the space of a few days now have two in Joel Piroe and Joel Veltman. Billy Joel might be arriving next.

So let's see what Charlton can do on Saturday when confronted with a full house at the London Stadium. The rebuild is still underway, but we have to pick up points at home. COYI!

Engels arrives to improve condition of the East London working classes

West Ham seem to have finally got their man with Arne Engels having a medical after the club agreed a £22m fee with Celtic, rising to £25m with add-ons — a record signing for the Championship. Bids for Lenin and Marx have not as yet been accepted, though admittedly these might be a hard sell in Clacton. But full marks to the club for only signing players with an eye to headlines for this blog.

Nils Koppen has made a big effort to sign him and presumably Nuno sees him as performing a similar role too Mateus Fernandes. He's billed as a right-sided midfielder who can also play at right-back. As he won't be replacing Jarrod Bowen he'll presumably be alongside him on the centre right of midfield. Looking at the videos, which is never entirely reliable, he seems to be a hard-working box-to-box midfielder who is good at receiving the ball and turning. He's scored a few goals for Celtic and can also take decent corners. Arne is a famous Belgian who has won the league with Celtic, which is certainly an improvement on signing players from relegated clubs. He should have a winning mentality. Will we be loving Engels instead? Let's hope so.

Wisdom of Solomon?

So Manor Solomon has arrived from Spurs for £5 million with £2 million extra if West Ham get promoted. Football wise he solves a problem on the left wing. Always thought he looked pretty handy at Fulham when he scored five goals in 25 appearances, many as a sub, during the 2022-23 season. He won the league three times with Shakhtar Donetsk in Ukraine. What will have impressed the club most is the role he played in winning Leeds the Championship title in 2024-25, scoring ten goals and getting 12 assists. He's a fine crosser and good at drifting in at the back post. Solomon can clearly do it at Championship level. Manor didn't have much of a look-in at Spurs last season and was loaned to Villareal and Fiorentina, scoring there goals and getting a few more assists despite mainly being a sub.

Politically, buying Solomon will be controversial after Israel's decimation of Gaza. He did his national service in the Israeli Defence Force in 2017, but wouldn't have had any choice in that. Solomon also posted support for his country and the victims of the Hamas atrocities on October 7th which is understandable and claims not to have made any anti-Palestine statements. I'm not sure what else he has said online, though he's apparently been pro-Israel in the war, but as a general principle it would be wrong to hold any one Israeli citizen accountable for the genocidal actions of Netanyahu's government. Solomon has said he doesn't want to talk about politics on signing for West Ham and that seems best for all as the last thing the cub needs is more controversy. He's a footballer primarily and joins Eyal Berkovic and Yossi Benayoun in the list of Israeli Hammers. Let's see what he can do.

Taty and Bowen see off Pompey

West Ham United 3 Portsmouth 1 (Carabao Cup, first round)

"Only Jesus can save you," read the banners held by the God Squadders outside Stratford station, which is a little pessimistic for a new season. In the Best Meze Cafe are Matt and Lisa, fresh from a safari in Tanzania where they saw three lions but missed the World Cup semi-final. After special pleading we are allowed to order off the breakfast menu and our food arrives with unusual alacrity. 

Outside the London Stadium they're no longer selling programmes, while inside the official programme tent has sold out. A lad is dispatched to get extra boxes and after a ten-minute wait I finally get my programme with Lamadrid on the front but no column from any of our numerous owners. Worryingly we're 21st after no games in the first published league table of the season.

We're joined by Nigel and CQ soaking up the big-game atmosphere. It's a record attendance of 53,369 for a League Cup first round tie and yet more proof of the West Ham' fans incredible loyalty.

A nice surprise is seeing Edson Alvarez in midfield. If we can keep him the big Mexican World Cup star can surely do a job in the Championship and he's ok here. David Sullivan is at the match and is informed by the fans that the Cockney Boys have got a new defender.

It's a nervy first 40 minutes from the Hammers as Portsmouth force several corners. Alvarez gets in a header straight at the keeper from a corner, but Kante looks out of position on the left and Orford isn't seeing much of the ball. The hydration break comes as a relief, though most West Ham fans seem to have hydrated on beer. "You sold your soul for this shithole!" chant the 9000 away fans, not very originally. Meanwhile Matt has had his first doubts of the season about the match day officials.

Pompey take the lead when Kilman heads clear but Segecic shoots from long-range and it deflects in off the unlucky Max. Hermansen spills but retrieves another long-range effort and that seems to wake West Ham up.

Two minutes before the break Orford does well to find Scarles on the left. He plays it to Kante who drives into the box and produces a great pull-back to bamboozle his man and then crosses for Taty Castellanos to score with a controlled finish. That was the 20-year-old Kante's first assist and a sign of the player he could become.

Deep into added time Scarles does well to head Alvarez's long ball back to Pablo. After a quick exchange of passes Pablo blunders into the box and slightly overruns it, but there is Jarrod Bowen to thump home a fine strike that takes a deflection off Shaughnessy. That's an assist for Pablo which might do his confidence some good.

At half-time Matt is amazed when Nigel goes early and eats his lucky banana, but the lad is undoubtedly feeling confident and even suggests that soft fruit might not affect the outcome. Meanwhile CQ has miraculously found some cups and free club water which she dispenses like a latter-day Florence Nightingale.

The Irons start the second half with good intensity and Walker-Peters and Bowen combine well on the right as Taty is foiled by a fine block from Devlin. KWP and Jarrod combine again on 50 minutes as Jarrod looks up to cross on to the head of Castellanos to make it 3-1.

The game is disjointed after that, with injuries and hydration breaks and one Pompey effort going just wide. Ward-Prowse gets his first minutes under Nuno and doesn't seem too popular with the away fans.

Orford forces a save from Schmid. Veltman comes on for ten minutes and looks lively on the right. His run sees Pablo, under pressure, strike the post. Will the Portugeezer ever score for West Ham? Late on Max Kilman, who has played well, makes a great interception and run from defence to set up Kyle Walker-Peters whose shot is well saved by Schmidt. It's good to see Josh Ajala get his debut for the final two minutes.

We hastily trek to the Eagle after persuading Matt not to take on the Pompey away crew. Here there's a solitary bottle of Ruddles in the fridge, plus Guinness, wine and Corona to take into the garden. Nigel's been to see Metallica in Cardiff and even better another heavy metal outfit called the Wurzels. While Matt's very excited to be going to Erith & Belvedere versus Billingshurst in the FA Cup and Lisa reminisces about giraffes, a bloat of hippos, hyenas and jackals in the Serengeti.

So a decent start to the season though the squad needs more signings. The full-backs played well, Kilman and the Greek Bloke looked solid at the back and Taty and Bowen will always score goals. Kante got an assist and Orford grew into the game though a midfield creator and a left winger are still needed. Now the proper stuff starts at Burnley. Come on you Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Kilman 7, Mavropanos 6, Scarles 7; Alvarez 6 (Diouf 6), Orford 6, Kante 6 (Ward-Prowse 6); Bowen 8 (Ajana n/a), Castellanos 8 (Veltman 7), Pablo 6.

The Cockney Boys have got a defender

West Ham have finally made our second signing of the summer in Joel Veltman on a free from Brighton. At 34 he's not one for the future, but can certainly do a job for the coming season. I've seen him score against West Ham (most players have) in the 4-0 defeat at Brighton in 2023 and Veltman is a good solid Premier League defender. He made 24 appearances for Brighton last season and helped them finish eighth and qualify for the Uefa Conference League. He's won three titles with Ajax, has 28 international caps with the Netherlands and should provide leadership and experience at the back. Veltman can play at both right-back and centre back which will provide competition to Walker-Peters, Mavropanos and Kilman.

Meanwhile Freddie Potts has gone to Bruges for £10 million. It's always sad to see an Academy player go particularly when he's the son of Steve Potts. It's a little surprising he's been let go, but the money will count as pure profit and suggests that Nuno is confident of signing Engels from Celtic. The gaffer clearly sees potential in 20-year-old Mohamadou Kante in central midfield while Magassa will hopefully thrive in a lower division and Soucek will return at some stage. Then there's Lewis Orford and James Ward-Prowse might be back in favour too. Potts will be a steady midfielder for Bruges but could have struggled for game time this season, so his departure might be good for his career.

Meanwhile Kretinsky and Amanda Staveley are locked in a two-month battle to buy WHU shares, with David Sullivan possibly deciding who gets ultimate control and becoming even richer in the process. It's not great to have even more uncertainty, but there's £155 million banked and several more signings required. Let's hope Veltman is the first of many.

Deal or no deal? Staveley overtakes Kretinsky in fight for Gold shares?

Just when West Ham needed clarity on who runs the club the news comes that Vanessa Gold has now decided to sell her shares to Amanda Staveley, influential deal-maker with the Middle East and former part-owner of Newcastle United, plus her husband the Iranian businessman Mehrdad Ghodoussi, in partnership with Ashland Forest Capital Partners, whoever they might be. In June it was announced that Gold was selling to Kretinsky to make him the majority shareholder; now Vanessa Gold says that this deal, “could not be brought to fruition”. 

Meanwhile Kretinsky’s camp state that pre-emption rights still allow him to bid for Gold’s shares. A West Ham statement says this will take two months to sort out: “The proposed transaction will now be subject to a pre-emption rights process. This provides all existing shareholders with the opportunity to acquire their proportional percentage of shares in round one, and any remaining shares in round two. This process will take approximately two months and, until it is completed, nothing will change regarding the ownership structure of the Club.”

A spokesman for Kretinsky said: "The agreement we had reached with the Gold family in June provided stability for the club at a crucial time. Today's announcement does the opposite.

Staveley is certainly an interesting character. She is the daughter of wealthy Yorkshire businessman, went to private school and dropped out of Cambridge University. She then set up a restaurant called Stocks, close to Newmarket racecourse, through which she made contacts with lots of wealthy Middle Eastern racehorse owners. 

TALK OF THE TOON

Staveley founded a failed company called Q.ton, then moved to Dubai and advised on a number of big deals including Abu Dhabi investment in Barclays, Abu Dhabi’s ownership of Manchester City and the the Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund’s purchase of Newcastle, which was criticised for sportswashing. 

She also made a bid for Spurs and once dated Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, facts which are probably best left off her CV. With gaffs in Park Lane and Dubai she presumably won’t be eating in the Best Meze Cafe before games. She’s also been diagnosed with Huntington’s Disease, a condition made worse by stress, so West Ham might not be the wisest move.

Judging by her time at Newcastle Staveley is good at fronting a club and not a woman to be messed with. But can she work with Kretinsky if her bid is successful? Meanwhile David Sullivan is still the club’s biggest shareholder.

On the football front West Ham have had a bid for Engels knocked back by Celtic. He’s reportedly checking out the condition of the working class in Essex before deciding if he wants to move to Das Kapital. In the 1-1 draw at Magdeburg Kante looked quite strong and effective in a central midfield role and Mavropanos and Kilman did well at the back, though it’s hard to read much into these games. Meanwhile Freddie Potts looks to be on his way to Bruges. 

But most of the interesting stuff is happening off the pitch. Will the ownership battle affect the players? We have to hope not. Would Staveley try to bring in her old gaffer Eddie Howe? The last thing the club needs is two months of not knowing who is really in charge.

Massive: The Miracle of Prague by Pete May is available from Biteback Publishing, price 12.99

Summerville goes: Greek Bloke to stay?

So Jimmy Summerville has finally left us this way. Somehow the Kretinsky regime has got us cheering on selling our best players, basically because we’re getting over the odds for them. Jimmy was set to move to Roma for £50m before Al-Hilal stepped in with a £60m offer. It’s a strange career move for a 24-year-old, but perhaps the reported £1000-an-hour wages helped. That’s £145m in the bank for the club from selling Fernandes and Summerville.

Summerville had a great World Cup and a cracking last half of the season for WHU. But he is very injury-prone and missed half of his initial season with injury while taking a long time to get up to speed in 2025-26. However he very nearly kept us up and I’ll remember his fine body swerve before scoring at Fulham, plus vital goals at Spurs and Burnley. He had a good goal disallowed against Forest and was very unlucky hitting the bar against Brentford. Good luck in Saudi Jimmy, though they might not play the Communards much there.

Meanwhile Dinos Mavropanos has been offered a new contract and the chance of staying a year to hopefully take WHU up. It would be a filip to keep him, so let’s hope Kretinsky can do a Bowen and impress the Greek Bloke.

FRIENDLY FIRE

Of course players now need to be bought, though looking at the pre-season friendlies there are a lot of young players who might fancy getting games in the Championship namely Orford, Earthy, Golambeckis, Potts, Scarles, Magassa, Mayers, Kante and Marshall. Might forgotten man James Ward-Prowse be retained for his dead-balls? And could Kilman recover his confidence in the Championship? We’ve even seen Maxwel Cornet playing in the friendly at Stevenage, as viewed by Chris Packham. Nuno has to assess what we now have very carefully.

Another good thing is that now Karren Brady has departed the relationship between the club and London Stadium LLP seems to be improving. It has to with the stadium losing them £19m a year. Chair Lyn Garner has suggested painting the seats claret and blue in order to make the stadium “less sterile” and playing women’s games there which West Ham would fund and seems a good idea. Though playing more away games early on to facilitate September concerts is a non-starter.

Overall we’ve got the cash the club wanted by selling just two players, Bowen is staying and the club seems to be making progress off the field. Now the Hammers just need to sign some players.

Massive: The Miracle of Prague by Pete May is available from Biteback Publishing, price 12.99.

Jarrod Bowen's on hire

It’s a huge boost to West Ham’s promotion hopes that Jarrod Bowen is staying at the club. Even more significantly it’s a sign that Daniel Kretinsky is taking a hands-on interest in running the club after years of David Sullivan blunders. Jarrod flew to Prague to talk to Kretinsky and director Jiri Svarc and said, “the ambition that I got from them, certainly in terms of the direction the club wants to move in, it interests me a lot.” Bowen has signed a revised contract which reportedly gives him the option of leaving if West Ham don't gain promotion, so it's all down to next season.

Bowen will have been helped by the fact that wife Danni Dyer is a Hammers’ fan, as is father-in-law Danny Dyer, now a sex symbol on Rivals. Danny presumably had a few words with young Jarrod about how to be a top geezer. Interestingly Bowen mentions happiness as being one of his priorities and he’s probably concluded that one season at a mid-level Premier League club couldn't match being a lifelong hero at West Ham for showing such loyalty. His winner in Prague cemented the bond between captain and fans and Jarrod mentions he will be a fan himself when he retires — there’s a space next to us in the Billy Bonds stand if he’s interested.

JARROD MARCHES ON

Despite the lack of signings we’re seeing signs the club is finally being run properly. Fifty thousand season tickets sold is phenomenal for a relegated club. We got £20m more cash than expected for Mateus Fernandes. A new head of player recruitment has been appointed in Nils Koppen and Rui Pedro Silva has come in as Nuno’s assistant having worked with him at several previous clubs.

The best thing about Bowen staying is that it might encourage other players to remain loyal, hopefully including the Greek Bloke who scored in the friendly at Southend. Summerville will go as will Todibo and probably Wan-Bissaka, but we stand a chance of keeping most of the squad intact. A 46-game marathon is coming up and with Jarrod still an Iron the club feels a lot more united. 

Massive: The Miracle of Prague by Pete May is available from Biteback Publishing, price 12.99.

The West Ham Syndrome and my part in it

Here's some more podcast banter while we wait for West Ham to unveil a plethora of new signings. Enjoyed chatting to Max and Andrew on the West Ham Syndrome about the books what I wrote. Click on the link to sample. 

Draft includer: West Ham's greatest relegation XI

Good fun as always to appear on the Stop! Hammer Time podcast. This time we had a version of the US Draft system, with four managers — myself, Jim Grant, Steve Law and Trevor Drane — picking sides of players relegated with West Ham. The four managers took it in turns to select four really high-quality sides. Trevor Brooking went first of course, but West Ham have also managed to relegate players like Bonds, Devonshire, Martin, Di Canio, McAvennie, Carrick, Cole, Johnson, Bowen, Parkes, Dicks, Lampard Senior and many other brilliant players. Five relegations and a lot of mismanagement has gone into that achievement. Still we enjoyed doing it and to find out our selections click on the link.

Fernandes off to Spurs for £85 million

So Mateus Fernandes is leaving for Spurs for £85 million. No-one likes selling players but West Ham have got the price they wanted. A shame it’s Spurs, but this is a pretty good deal. Fernandes is a really good player, but he’s also been relegated in successive seasons and is not the finished article yet. He’s still prone to giving away dangerous free-kicks outside his own box and needs to improve his finishing, witness the chance that was saved by Raya against Arsenal. 

He’s certainly got brilliant potential and really prospered when Paqueta left and he was the main creator in the side, but I’d put his current value at about £60 million. We paid £38 million for him year ago and sold him for £85 million so that’s a tidy gain of £47 million. It’s not often West Ham make that kind of profit so let’s give poor old Graham Potter a bit of credit for signing him. 

Not all will be happy. As my pal Lisa says we should stop selling players to Spurs as they keep breaking them, as in Mo Kudus. All we can hope is that Fernandes can achieve a hat-trick of relegations with Tottenham.

Much will depend on how West Ham spend the money this summer. Jimmy Summerville is likely to go too and will get a good price following his fine World Cup. Todibo will definitely go and possibly Wan-Bissaka, though please not Jarrod Bowen. We’ve got to hope that with a new director of football appointed soon and no interference from David Sullivan, recruitment might become less scattergun. So far Disasi has returned to Chelsea, Traore has been released and the kid from Caracas Kieber Lamadrid has signed for around £1 million. 

Off the pitch things are improving. Boyle Sports is continuing with its sponsorship and the club is consulting over a new badge, a shrewd PR move after Sullivan and Brady dumped the Boleyn Castle and plonked “London” on the crest. But we now need players. It’s not long till the August kick-off and with money in the bank the Hammers have to start a serious rebuild.

Kretinsky in control

Well, it's got to be good news that David Sullivan is being edged out at West Ham. Daniel Kretinsky is buying more shares from the Gold family, which would take his stake up to 43 per cent through 1890 Holdings, which is part of EP. 

The club statement claims the board did not know the extent of the allegations against Sullivan — which he denies — until Monday's Panorama was broadcast. That statement from Kretinsky and Vanessa Gold says the right things: “We were deeply concerned by the revelations made by The Times and Panorama this week and our thoughts go out to those women who have fought so hard to make their voices heard. Any abuse of power is abhorrent, and it takes great courage and determination to speak up against it."

On a football level it seems encouraging that Kretinsky wants to, "stabilise West Ham United, retain as many of our key players as possible and, under the management of Nuno Espírito Santo, secure an immediate return to the Premier League." There is an encouraging line on finance, reading: "As the largest shareholder, group EP will be able to provide the additional financing the club needs."

Importantly all the shareholders, Kretinsky, Vanessa Gold and minority shareholders Tripp Smith, Daniel Harris and Terry Brown, have all said they will vote together, effectively sidelining Sullivan. We do have to remember that Kretinsky is an unknown quantity and gives very little away in public. But he does seem to be professional in his dealings, has never been a pornographer and must have surely despaired over the way West Ham has been run in recent years. There is still a risk David Sullivan could exert a "pre-emptive right" to buy some of the Gold shares to match Kretinsky's share, according to the Times. Yet he must surely realise that his time at West Ham is up. Sponsors will be horrified at what has gone on and the new powers want to unite fans and club and now say they are not going to be forced to sell players. There just might be some hope for the future.

Time for Sully to sell-up

Apart from Panorama's programme on our ex-co-chairman and front-page headlines for all the wrong reasons, plus relegation, no permanent chief executive, no director of football, a £104m loss last year and a likely fire sale, all is going well at West Ham. 

Now comes the news that after FA safeguarding concerns about an historical allegation, Sullivan has not been allowed to have contact with the women's side or youth teams for the past three years. Sullivan denies all the claims, made from the time when he was running the Sunday Sport. My first thought, beyond sympathy for the women involved, is what must the club sponsors and co-owner Daniel Kretinsky make of all this? Boyle Sports has already expressed concern and it comes to something when a gambling company is having ethical doubts.

Martin Samuel has a good summary of the situation in the Times. Sullivan's position is surely untenable after all this and also because he is being ridiculed every game by the fanbase. But the problem is that he still owns 38.8per cent of the club. Daniel Kretinsky is still in the process of trying to up his stake in the club to 40 per cent by buying shares from the Gold family. Sullivan is being investigated by the Football Regulator and it could force him to see his shares, though this might be difficult as he has not been charged by the police with any criminal offence. Otherwise Kretinsky or someone else has to make Sully an offer he can't refuse. Though there's still the risk that he might want to pass on his shares on to his sons.

As Samuel writes, we really do need to hear from the Sphinx, aka Daniel Kretinsky. My hunch is that he is after buying the London Stadium and the land around it and doing some lucrative redevelopments. But how interested is he in the football team and will he put money money into getting WHU promoted? If David Sullivan does sell-up and the Hammers get a new owner then we might at least be entitled to a little optimism.

Sully steps down, Nuno stays and the rebuild starts

Well, it's taken ten days in Italy to try and recover from relegation. Also been touting for West Ham talent in Serie Z with a budget of ten Euros. It was certainly interesting to see the Roman Arena in Verona, which is a little reminiscent of the London Stadium. It's hosted everything from gladiators to opera. No doubt the away fans chanted that the Romans sold their soul for this shithole. Perhaps there were some fans who preferred the old Arena to a corporate bowl, disliked the chariot racing track and wanted Caesar out. 

Sitting on the marble seats and standing in the concourse it's surprising to think how little stadiums have changed in 2000 years, though it's a bit less bloodthirsty these days unless Millwall are playing. Had my fellow season ticket holders Matt and Nigel been around two millennia ago they would have been seeking out obscure arenas for contests between non-league gladiators.

SULLIVAN QUITS

No sooner are we back in Blighty than the news arrives that David Sullivan is stepping down as West Ham chairman to fight "serious historical allegations", which he denies. It's hard to comment further until these allegations are aired on the BBC and in the Times, but in football terms Sullivan going as chairman will be celebrated by most fans. West Ham won a European trophy in 2023 as a positive, but against that must be set two relegations, a £104m loss last year, flip-flopping between contrasting managers and various directors of football, terrible recruitment, allowing David Moyes to go twice, appointing Avram Grant, interfering in transfers, moving the club to a rented stadium that isn't purpose-built for football and allowing the club to be overtaken by Brighton, Bournemouth, Brentford, Fulham and Crystal Palace.

Co-owner Daniel Kretinsky already appears to be taking a more active role by insisting that Nuno stays as manager. Continuity is no bad thing even if Nuno has a worrying tendency to tinker, as at Newcastle and when he played Soucek and Irving in central midfield and inverted the full-backs against Brentford and Leeds. Football is a simple game and sometimes playing people in their best positions is better than trying to go all Guardiola. But Nuno proved himself a decent manager at Wolves and Forest and undoubtedly improved the spirit and performances of West Ham in the latter part of the season.

There's a nucleus of promising youngsters that Nuno selected last season in Kante, Mayers, Scarles, Potts, Orford, Earthy and Marshall. Fernandes and Summerville seem certain to go and Wan-Bissaka, Diouf and Castellanos are attracting interest, while Todibo has to go after his fall-out with Nuno. But with Sullivan gone and Kretinsky or a new co-owner in charge could we keep a core of experienced players not least Jarrod Bowen? Retaining Soucek and the Greek Bloke would give us a chance in the Championship and without Sullivan we might even get a more data-driven recruitment department. Let's get some gladiators in. It's certainly never dull at West Ham.

Just relegation for the claret and blue

West Ham 3 Leeds United 0 

The Best Meze Cafe is serving unusually quickly on a sweltering Survival Sunday, though Nigel is miffed that the breakfast menu is off after 2pm. CQ is wearing her lucky rosary beads, Nigel has his lucky Stranglers bag and banana and I have my lucky West Ham woolly hat, but Matt and Lisa have eschewed lucky Dukla Prague away shirts for civilian attire (though Matt has a t-shirt reading "Don't worry") and Michael has left his lucky Jonathan Spector shirt at home. 

We're joined in the stadium by Big Sam who is up from Wales, plus the bloke who looks like Mark Kermode and our new friend Pebbles and co. Bubbles is particularly loud as we all anxiously scroll for news fromTottenham. Can David Moyes save West Ham a third time? All we can do is try to do our bit and win.

Wan-Bissaka is dropped for Walker-Peters after a poor display at Newcastle while the Sun reports that Todibo has refused to play after a row with Nuno when he was subbed at Newcastle. The £33 million Todibo has fallen out with three managers now and we should clearly sell him, though after this latest outburst who will buy him?

Leeds look pretty up for it as West Ham start nervously. Nmecha miscues a good chance and Hermansen has to make a fine stop with his legs to deny Calvert-Lewin. For the Irons Pablo has a goalbound effort deflected over by Soucek and Fernandes tests Darlow with a long-range effort. Bad news arrives from Spurs just before the break, where Palinha has put them ahead against Everton.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time and Nuno bring on Wilson for Pablo. West Ham look more effective as Wilson sets ups Taty for a chance, only for the striker to slip as he shoots. The breakthrough comes when Walker-Peters forces a corner. Bowen curls over a lovely ball and Castellanos gets above his man too head home at the back post.

We're still relying on Everton scoring twice though. The West Ham fans join the Leeds fans in a chorus of "We sold our soul for this shithole!" Though it's surely not good for morale to be chanting against our own ground. For all its faults the London Stadium has seemed more like home since Christmas with the fans really getting behind the side. The owners are the real problem.

BOWEN BOWEN GONE?

The fans are singing some very rude songs about David Sullivan as Fernandes plays a great through ball to Bowen. Jarrod scores with a lovely finish from a tight angle. We've been saying he looks like he's carrying an injury but he's still got an assist and a goal. Though is this his final goal for the Hammers?

Wilson is denied by a fine save from Darlow. In the 94th minute Callum is set up by Summerville and scores with a rocket from outside the box. The celebrations are muted as Spurs are still winning.

The game ends with nine minutes of added purgatory still being played at Spurs. But there is never much hope Everton will score twice and we're finally relegated on 39 points, the biggest points total of a relegated side since 2011.

The players do a subdued lap of honour with Bowen looking particularly gutted. Relegation really came with the defeats at Brentford and Newcastle. We trudge off to the Eagle reflecting on all the points lost, at home to Forest, away to Wolves, at home to Brentford after Nuno's tinkering, at Chelsea after being two goals up, at home to Fulham. 

Inside the Eagle it's relegation drinks all round, as Lisa tests the bar staff with a request for a spritzer and receives the fanciest glasses in the building. "Who will be our Kevin Nolan in the Championship?" asks a mournful Michael. We're more likely to end up with Coleen Nolan. Nigel informs us that for the first time the Premier League won't have a team in it starting with the letter "W'. Matt stuns everyone with the claim that he used to be a hot air ballooning correspondent, though we think this could be a Call My Bluff-style tall story. He's also also been to see Black Box Recorder, but doesn't think lyrics of, "life is unfair, get over it or kill yourself" could have any relevance to West Ham.

We try to take the positives. We'll get to hear the jokes of Geoff the comedian in the Burnley hospitality lounge again, Nigel's mate Adrian will get him a ticket for Wolves, I'll be able to go to Stoke on a wet Wednesday night, Lincoln is a very nice city, Wrexham will be playing Hollywood balls and Westfield will be looking forward to the visit of Millwall. Even better Nigel has a forthcoming gig to enjoy with scrumpy and Western idols the Wurzels.

Who will be left next season with the club posting debts of £104m last year and a fire-sale inevitable? Will Nuno stay or go? Can the Academy kids be United? At least the hope is over. It's time for a break from football. All we have to do is brave the celebrating Arsenal fans on the tube  home. We'll be back one day and hopefully with new owners. Come on you relegated Irons.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Disasi 6, Mavropanos 7, Diouf 5; Bowen 8, Fernandes 7, Soucek 6, Summerville 7, Pablo 5 (Wilson 7), Castellanos 7 (Kante n/a).

It's the hope we can't take...

Never mind minor events in north London. Just when we're getting used to embracing despair along come Chelsea to offer a glimmer of hope. After Tottenham's unexpected win at a woeful Aston Villa we feared the worst for Spurs' trip to Stamford Bridge. But thankfully they lost 2-1. It could have been different if Cucurella's late wrestling had resulted in a penalty but perhaps that's payback for the VAR decision not to penalise Rice or Trossard against Arsenal.

So now we have to beat Leeds and Spurs must lose at home to Everton. We couldn't could we? It's perhaps a 20 per cent chance of staying up. Leeds have several injuries and are safe, but even so we'd have to improve a lot on the Newcastle performance to win. 

We're relying on David Moyes doing us a massive favour and motivating his side to win at Spurs. But if Everton could get an early goal then the Spurs crowd would get very anxious — and they haven't won at home since December 6th. With Pickford in goal and big lumps like Tarkowski and O'Brien at the back and Beto up front, plus the skilful Dewsbury-Hall, there's some hope. Everton had a decent second half against us a few weeks ago.

But stop, this way madness lies. All West Ham can do is try to win. If we went down with 39 points we could at least claim to be slightly unlucky. It will soon be all over one way or another. Perhaps Spurs could oblige by sending over a spy to our training ground. Come on you Irons and Toffees! 

Early goals plunge West Ham towards the drop

Newcastle United 3 West Ham United 1 

We're off to the not-that-lucky-pub the Floirin for this vital game. In a middle-class football fan crisis I've managed to change my tickets for Churchill's Urinal at the King's Head Theatre to another night and can now make the 5.30pm kick-off. Matt and Lisa are in the pub drinking Guinness with Nigel, carrying his 'lucky' Stranglers bag and an antique Kettering programme featuring loanee Callum Wilson in the line-up.

Nuno has gone for five at the back and surprisingly dropped Taty Castellanos for Callum Wilson. Newcastle put us under pressure from the start and have a handball VAR penalty claim against Soucek, thankfully denied. 

Some say it's best not to concede two early goals in a relegation decider. Hermansen misjudges his throw out to Todibo, who rather than take a yellow card for a foul, allows Barnes to get past him and cross. Soucek has stepped up and away from Woltemade who scores his first goal since December — another striker whose career we have rescued. 

Four minutes later the Toon slice through West Ham, Ramsey has too much space on the right and Osula strolls between the three centre backs to score. Nuno looks like he's about to call the Samaritans. He rips up his game plan after 26 minutes and replaces Todibo with Castellanos. The Irons play better after that. Jimmy Summerville comes alive with a fine dribble that sets up Castellanos who shoots against the keeper. Diouf's follow-up is saved as well. Wilson then misses another inviting Summerville cross.

The second half sees a Fernandes shot straight at the keeper and a desperate Nuno bring on Pablo and Kante for Wan-Bissaka and Soucek, who has been lucky to avoid a red card for kicking Guimaraes. An irate Matt is choking on his Guinness as Diouf's throw-in is miscontrolled by the hapless Pablo, allowing Willock to play a one-two with Osula who bags his second goal to make it 3-0.

Just as it looks game over Hermansen punts a kick down the pitch and Castellanos brilliantly volleys over Pope from 30-yards out. The best goal of the game, though we've relied on a moment of individual brilliance rather than getting anywhere with our team play.

The Irons give it a go after that. Wilson tries to pass instead of shooting and has a penalty claim denied, Bowen fires straight at Pope when well-placed and Taty volleys Diouf's cross against the angle. Castellanos then forces a save from Pope with a back-header from Pablo's ball in to the box.

DARKNESS ON THE EDGE OF TOON

But we're never to claw back a three-goal deficit. The chants of "You're not fit to wear the shirt!" from the away fans aren't really fair, as it's a lack of quality rather than effort that has cost us. And after a good second half of the season the form of players like Diouf, the Greek Bloke and Disasi has suddenly tailed off.

So we're effectively down barring the miracle of Spurs losing twice, and we can't be sure of beating Leeds on this form. The fault is not entirely Nuno's, though he picked the wrong side has been in charge since September, but mainly David Sullivan and the board's for a complete lack of strategy appointing managers and directors of football and some terrible recruitment. We've got some decent players like Bowen, Summerville, Castellanos, Soucek and Fernandes who will surely now be sold off in a WHU fire sale.

As the darkness descends on West Ham Matt, Lisa and Nigel head off to the favourite curry house of the Darkness on Holloway Road. At least West Ham's  rent will go down a couple of million pounds and we'll be able to welcome Millwall. It was the hope we couldn't take, now unless Spurs are caught spying, we can concentrate on the despair.

VAR mayhem robs West Ham of point

West Ham 0 Arsenal 1

Pre-match it's a pint of IPA in Hackney Wick's Crate with daughter Lola and her boyfriend Michael, hoping to reduce the tension. In the stadium, we find a clean-shaven Big Sam up from Wales, Nigel and his lucky Stranglers bag, super sub Lisa and Matt wearing his tee-shirt from the last game at the Boleyn, ten years ago to the day. Michael the thespian is away, possibly giving Keir Starmer lessons in vision and dramatic delivery.

Nuno opts for five at the back bringing in Todibo for Pablo. The atmosphere is fervent and tense, though Arsenal dominate the first 25 minutes. The Greek Bloke blocks Calafiori, then from a Declan Rice corner Hermansen has to save brilliantly from Trossard, who hits the outside of the post from the rebound. Next up Rice whips in a free-kick and Mavropanos has to make another great block close to the line. Arsenal seem to get most of the decisions and earn some revived chants of "Same old Arsenal, always cheating!"

It takes a crunching tackle from Summerville to get the crowd going. Ben White is injured in the 50-50 and has to go off, with Rice temporarily shifted to become an unlikely right-back. West Ham start to threaten at the end of the half. Bowen almost plays in Diouf and Summerville finally gets a run at the Arsenal defence before shooting wide. The best chance comes when Wan-Bissaka storms down the right and plays in a cross and Taty Castellanos' diving header is parried by Raya.

We're happy to be 0-0 at half-time, hoping that Arsenal will get increasingly nervous. The Irons start the second half with more confidence. Taty has a shot blacked and Bowen can't connect properly with the second effort. Pablo comes on for Castellanos and puts himself about a bit. Diouf gets in a fine cross that Pablo almost reaches — though it's clearly deflected off a defender for a corner the ref gives a goal kick. After good work by Saka Gyokores heads over. This could go either way.

At 0-0 comes a turning point. Mateus Fernandes plays a neat give and go with Pablo and is through on goal, but he takes one touch too many and Raya makes a great save with his outstretched foot.

Almost inevitably it's 1-0 to the Arsenal seven minutes from time. Impressive sub Odegaard exchanges passes with Rice before picking out Trossard, whose shot is deflected in off Soucek. Some Arsenal fans in the Billy Bonds Stand cheer the goal, 1980s-style aggro erupts and there are ugly scenes as one of them is kicked down the steps with the stewards slow to react. 

ALWAYS CRASHING IN THE SAME VAR 

Callum Wilson is on for Disasi as the game moves into added time. After a knock-down from the Greek Bloke Wilson's shot is deflected wide for a corner. "Come on you Irons!" plead the crowd. Mads Hermansen comes up for it. Bowen's corner comes over and there's an almighty scramble in the box. Raya fumbles his catch the ball drops loose and is cleared, but then thumped over the line by Wilson before Rice can boot it out from the back of the net. The London Stadium erupts and Arsenal's title dream is now in the balance. 

Only after the angry Gunners surround the ref it's a sodding VAR check on Pablo's arm as Arteta leaps around the touchline crying wolf about blocking goalkeepers. There's a five minute stoppage before ref Chris Kavanagh is called to the monitor. He watches the incident 17 times before disallowing the goal, which hardly suggests it's a clear and obvious decision. After review, VAR favours the title challengers.

The replay reveals that Pablo's arm is across Raya's neck, though he's arguably using it for leverage, and is also being pushed into the keeper by Trossard. It's the sort of challenge on keepers that Arsenal have been getting away with several times this season. To make it worse there are numerous fouls on West Ham players as the ball comes in and before Pablo's challenge. Rice drags the Greek Bloke into the back of the net, Soucek is bundled to the floor, Todibo is being wrestled by Odegaard and Trossard is holding and pushing Pablo. Mick McManus and Giant Haystacks are probably in there as well. If you give one foul in the box you surely have to give them all and award West Ham a penalty or more accurately four penalties. Infamy, infamy.

So that's it. Arsenal are going to win the league and relegation looks likely for West Ham. We've payed well and with spirit. A point would have given WHU a real boost for the next two games. I apologise to Lola for introducing her to West Ham, though perhaps heartache is good for the soul.

We resignedly head to the Eagle for Guinness and Tayto crisps. Nigel is at least cheered by Rochdale beating Boreham Wood (Matt has an interesting fact about them) and has a good trivia quiz question about John Moncur's son George. Not to mention some recent meeting Ian Gillan stories. All better than thinking about Lincoln away. We've now got to hope it goes Spursy yet again, and win our final two matches. It's not looking good but we gave Arsenal a game and deserved a point. COYI!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 7; Wan-Bissaka 7, Mavropanos 8, Disasi 7 (Wilson 7), Todibo 7, Diouf 7; Soucek 7, Fernandes 7; Bowen 7, Castellanos 7 (Pablo 6), Summerville 7. 

Bad luck, bad defending and Emery's dodgy line-up push WHU back in drop zone

Brentford 3 West Ham 0

It's a nervous afternoon again listening to the game on Radio 5. Early on Pablo uses his strength well to get beyond the last defender, only he hesitates too long and under pressure allows Kelleher to save his scuffed shot. 

The Bus Stop From Hounslow take the lead after 15 minutes. Bowen allows Lewis-Potter to cut inside and cross. Kayode gets beyond Summerville to hit the post and trying to clear the Greek Bloke hits it in off the bar. 

West Ham respond well, Taty Castellanos takes down Diouf's free kick to fire against the outside of the post. Then from Diouf's free kick Mavropanos rises to power home a great header. Only it's VAR time and Dinos is ruled offside by a shoulder. 

Brentford have a couple of chances as Hermansen rushes out from his area, miscues his header, and Damsgaard shoots wide of an open goal. Then Thiago doesn't connect properly in a one-on-one with Mads. There's time for Castellanos to head Bowen's corner on to the inside of the post and then force Kelleher intro a fine save with a long-range effort. It could easily be 3-3 at half-time.

Unfortunately West Ham make the worst possible start to the second half. Outtara twists past Diouf and Malick goes to ground to concede a cheap penalty. Thiago strokes it home. Diouf has improved a lot defensively recently but that was more like the naive defender of early in the season.

THE LAST POST

Soucek has a credible penalty claim turned down. The Irons haven't given up hitting the woodwork as Jimmy Summerville performs a typical twisting dribble and thumps a shot against the bar. Soucek strikes the rebound against the outside of the post.

The third goal arrives as West Ham press forward. Sub Wan-Bissaka ambles across to his man too slowly, Traore hasn't tracked Damsgaard and the Bees man shoots though the legs of Fernandes and into the corner.

So it's 3-0 to Brentford, which hasn't reflected the game. We're relying on the kindness of strangers the next evening as Aston Villa take on Spurs. Only Unai Emery makes seven changes from the side that lost at Notts Forest in the Europa League. Clearly concentrating on Europe his zombie side allow Spurs to quickly take a two-goal lead and win 2-1, pushing West Ham back into the bottom three. 

It's not looking good, but is it all over? I still think we can get something from the Arsenal game and it's possible for it to go all Spursy, while Forest aren't out of it yet (ok they are now thanks to Chelsea). One day we'll hit the post and it will go in. Only a week ago we were celebrating Wilson's late winner against Everton. Nuno needs to keep calm and channel the players' anger at the Brentford defeat into the next match. We probably need to win two out of three matches. Otherwise it's Lincoln away.

Wilson wins it late to boost Hammers' survival hopes

West Ham 2 Everton 1

Up against the Moyesiah, what could possibly go right? In the Billy Bonds Stand we find Matt and Lisa, mysteriously not wearing colours, Nigel with his lucky Stranglers bag, ace of bass CQ, Michael the Whovian not missing Karren Brady, Big Sam busy compiling survival spreadsheets, and our new mate, the bloke who looks like Mark Kermode.

The first half is cagey. Summerville gets chopped a lot and Garner and O'Brien are booked. Disasi does some solid defending. Soucek has a header well over and Barry has a shot saved by Mads. Late on Bowen fizzes a cross across the box but Pablo, lacking that striking instinct, hasn't gambled and got on the end of it.

We really have to go for it in the second half with Spurs and Wolves drawing. Jimmy Summerville gets in a dangerous cross and Taty has a penalty appeal turned down after Pickford makes contact and our man goes down as if hit by the Grealish sniper.

The breakthrough comes on 51 minutes when Bowen curls in a corner. Pablo does well to block Pickford as Tomas Soucek gets between two defenders to head home and wheel away doing his windmill celebration. A trademark Moyes goal.

But Everton are a good side with a fine away record. Moyes brings on Tyrique George and Tim Iroegbunam, both of whom make a difference. West Ham are pressed back. Soucek and Disasi have to make a last-ditch double clearance from in front of the line after Iroegbunam's cross. You have to admire the way Disasi celebrates clearances. The crowd try to roar the Irons home.

NO DOUBTING TOMAS

A cross from George is met by Barry but Super Tomas Soucek somehow manages to head it up and onto the bar. Next there's a big appeal for a penalty after Fernandes grapples with Barry and his hand touches the ball. He might not have been able to see the ball but he still seems to flick it and we're lucky not to be punished. Mateus needs to be more careful around his own box.

Potts replaces Taty. Mystic Matt asks, "When was the last time Wilson ever did anything for us?" as Callum comes on for Pablo after 81 minutes. It seems like we've held on for a gritty one-nil win until the 88th minute. Mystic Morris predicts Everton will score 20 seconds before they do. The Greek Bloke gets his head on to yet another cross, but it falls to Tarkowski who heads back into the path of Dewsbury-Hall who scores with an emphatic half-volley. Bugger. Spurs are now winning so we'll be back in the bottom three.

But there are eight minutes of added time and the crowd stays with the Irons. With 92 minutes gone Bowen tries another cross. It's headed clear but Walker-Peters and Potts do well to recycle the ball to Diouf on the left. His fine cross is headed back across goal by Jarrod Bowen and there is Callum Wilson to keep calm and hit his shot into the ground and past the despairing Pickford. Oh yes! The crowd erupts in a mass of limbs as Wilson salutes the faithful. None of us ever doubted him. We've not since scenes like this since we won the Betway Cup.

We hold on for the remaining seven minutes as Hermansen catches the last cross to huge cheers. WHU remain two points clear of Spurs! And we've only aged about ten years in the process.

In the Eagle we retire to the hanging gardens of Chobham Road. We discuss the surprising news that Chelsea's Cucurella has a barber, who seems to have neglected to ever cut his hair. Nigel reminisces about meeting his heavy metal mate Ian Gillan and there's a competition to name the five league clubs that start and end with the same letter. There's Aston Villa and Charlton Athletic plus three others for those who can be bothered. Michael prepares to take a pew and see the Choirboys, hoping West Ham will now be singing from the same hymn sheet. 

This feels like a very big three points. We've got to hope Spurs implode at Villa and we get something at Brentford. Forest are still just about catchable. Whatever happens Nuno has effected quote a turnaround since the Forest defeat. It's in our hands now. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 6; Walker-Peters 7, Disasi 8, Mavropanos 7, Diouf 7; Soucek 9, Fernandes 7; Bowen 8 (Todibo n/a), Castellanos 6 (Potts 6), Pablo 5 (Wilson 8), Summerville 7.