Wolves savaged by rampant Hammers

West Ham 4 (four) Wolves 0

After a series of phone calls to various West End pubs it's off the Leicester Arms where Nigel has managed to book a table and in a blatant bid to make the blog has purchased a West Ham face mask for a £15 from a shop in Richmond. 

Our season-ticket gang are reunited with appearances from Matt, busy dispensing Rory Gallagher cds, Fraser who has come all the way from Ilford and Michael the Thespian (aka Sir Donald Wolfit). There's also a cameo from my pal Jackie who last witnessed a 1-1 draw at home to Everton but has strangely come back for more.

The beer costs £6 and there's no commentary, but at least the pub isn't packed and it does a decent pint of Beavertown Gamma Ray. We go into the match feeling a point would be a good result, but from the kick-off it's apparent that the side — managed remotely by David Moyes — are getting stuck into tackles, with Cresswell and Masuaku working hard to nullify Traore.

Antonio looks lively again and on 17 minutes is felled in the centre circle. Fornals takes a clever quick free kick to release Bowen who cuts inside and unleashes a lovely left foot shot into the corner. Blimey. 

The Hammers press for the rest of the half. Balbuena looks comfortable replacing Diop at the back and Arthur Masuaku is prospering as a wing-back. Arthur's cross reaches Soucek who forces a save from Rui Patricio. The rampaging Czech then forces a brilliant save from the keeper as he gets his head to a lofted cross from Antonio. 

JAROD MARCH

A key moment comes when Antonio's strength bamboozles Cody and co. Michail's shot is parried and falls to Fornals in front of goal only for the Spaniard to blast over the bar. Neves has a shot saved, but we reach half-time still in the lead, though we do wonder if we'll regret that missed chance from Fornals. Nigel decides to order a lucky baconburger. 

Frredericks has to be replaced by Jonson early in the second half but even that doesn't disrupt West Ham. Antonio powers past Cody on the left and looks up to find Fornals on the edge of the box. Pablo fires a shot against the base of the post and the predatory Bowen drives home the rebound.

It seems that like us West Ham have been boosted by Gamma Rays. On 66 minutes Creswell's corner is met by the head of Soucek and deflects in off the arm of Jimenez — though there's surely a case for giving it to Soucek. 

As the late Graham Taylor might have put it: "What sort of thing is happening here?" 

HE'S BETTER THAN LUKAKU!

"Perhaps Moyes should stay at home more often," suggests Fraser. Another superb cross from Masuaku is prodded wide by Bowen when he should really have completed his hat-trick. Nigel WhatsApps Lisa to tell her that Matt has been praising Arthur. Then in the 93rd minute Matt decides to go to the gents with a warning not to miss a goal. Sure enough, Haller starts and finishes the move. Masuaku crosses and Sebastien doesn't even have to jump to head past Rui Patricio. Astonishing.

The final whistle blows and we wonder when was the last time West Ham mullered a really good team. Nigel's Wolves-supporting pal Adrian texts to say his men have been undone by Antonio.

There's still no sound for the post-match analysis, but seeing a graphic labelled "West Ham Commitment" makes us wonder when that phrase was last used. We get another round in via table service. Fraser wonders how he is going to smoke four cigars once we leave. Michael goes into a Proustian reverie recalling Masuaku's Messi-like first-half performance against Chelsea when we beat them one-nil. 

It's been worth dodging coronavirus to see a four-goal win we muse as they chuck us out at ten pm. And we have now found the luckiest pub ever. One game, one clean sheet and one four-goal win. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6: Fredericks 6 (Johnson 6), Balbuena 6, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 7, Masuaku 8; Bowen 8 (Noble n/a), Soucek 8, Rice 7, Fornals 8; Antonio 8 (Haller 7).