Super Hammers demolish Mourinho's men

West Ham United 3 (three) Manchester United 1

It’s off to Hackney Wick for an early start where they’re selling vegan beet burgers outside Tank — the vegan burgers in Ken’s Café were surely better. It’s a full turn-out at the London Stadium. Alison and Scott have remembered their tickets today, Nigel’s back from up north, and Michael’s visiting his theatre of dreams along with Matt, Lisa and Fraser.

West Ham start brightly with Noble setting the tone by flying into tackles. WHU score after five minutes. The inspirational Noble finds Zabaleta with a through ball, and although marginally offside, Zab crosses for Anderson to flick home with a audacious back heel. There’s a gasp of admiration from the crowd when they see the replay. The Brazilian’s the sort of Fancy Felipe we love to see at West Ham. Scoring so early, we calculate we should be on for at least nine today.

Lukaku grazes the outside of the post with a header as the Mancs look like they might be coming back into it. Then Diop is roundly applauded for a Moore-esque tackle as he calmly dispossesses the big United striker.

YARMY ARMY

West Ham respond with a corner and after picking up Diop’s header, Yarmolenko shifts the ball on to his left foot and fires in a shot that rebounds off Lindelof into the net. A little fortunate perhaps, but credit to the big Ukrainian for making it happen. Two-nil to the cockney boys.

United are a big side but out of condition, and we do this for a living. The Red Devils are ponderous in their passing, with Pogba looking frustrated and spending a lot of time moaning. United’s malaise is summed up when a corner goes straight to Noble and West Ham break at speed allowing Anderson to find Arnautovic, who fires over the bar. The black-clad Mourinho paces his technical area like a Portuguese philosophy professor who’s had too much caffeine as he’s regaled with the East End bon mot of, “F**k off Mourinho!”

At half time Fraser quips that we’d scored three at this stage against Macclesfield. Michael the Possible Whovian approves of the programme feature on “Doctor WHU” (aka club doctor Richard Weiler).

The United comeback almost arrives as Fabianski makes a sensational low save with one hand to deny Fellaini’s header. Pogba goes off after 70 minutes to much derision. But United’s changes work as Rashford brilliantly backheels a corner home despite the attentions of two defenders.

But West Ham respond three minutes later. United are claiming Rashford has been pushed by Zabaleta as the ball finds Noble. The West Ham skipper plays it straight through a statuesque United defence for Arnautovic to calmly slot home. It looks so easy that at first I assume the ref has blown for offside. But it’s quite correctly a goal and Arnie runs to the bench to hold up a Sanchez shirt in support of the midfielder who might be out for months with medial ligament problems. Arnie deserves his goal for he has been immense up front.

YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL ANYMORE!

Sub Robert Snodgrass gets a deserved cheer for some manic pressing as the Irons refuse to let up the intensity. Michael amuses the lads in front of us with his “damn your eyes!” comment after the ref refuses a free kick, and Fabianski has to make a low save from McTominay’s low effort. But United don’t come at us with anything like the intensity of the Ferguson sides and we’re almost relaxed for the final stages.

“You’re not Special anymore!" rings round the ground. Pellegrini even manages to bring young Grady Diangana on for his league debut in the final two minutes.

The whistle blows and the players stay on the sun-soaked pitch for a long time saluting the fans as Bubbles and Twist and Shout comes on the PA.

Fraser, Michael, Matt and Lisa heads off to the pub to meet Gambling Dan, who is in the money as he had a wager on West Ham to win 3-1. On Wednesday he’d just missed out after bets on the Irons winning 9-0 and 10-0.

Meanwhile I’m off to the RAF Club in Piccadilly (it’s like the Central but with more pictures of Spitfires) for my pal Mark’s 60th birthday celebrations, where’s he’s pleased to receive a signed Trevor Brooking book and signed picture of Billy Bonds. My pal Nick, a United fan, is there too and very keen on Mourinho being sacked. So a good day all round. After the first four defeats the pundits were predicting we’d be pointless after seven games. But seven points in three matches has left the season looking very different.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Zabaleta 8, Diop 8, Balbuena 7, Masuaku 7; Rice 7, Noble 9, Obiang 7; Anderson 8 (Diangana n/a), Arnautovic 8 (Antonio 6), Yarmolenko 7 (Snodgrass 7).