Last Hammers standing grind out gritty point

West Ham 1 Crystal Palace 1

The Clyde Best Café is “closed for refurbishment” — something that never used to happen at Ken’s Café. I’m joined by my daughter Lola and a bemused Lisa as we opt for the Best Kebab shop’s falafel wraps. Michael joins us having had a snifter or two due to the Theatre Royal’s irresistible “two pints for the price of one” offer and then gives up on buying a kebab after finding the two staff having a row.

Inside the stadium we’re joined by Scott who is showing solidarity with the West Ham squad by carrying a crutch. Alison has come fresh from some soulless corporate bowl called the Nou Camp, where she says Suarez, Coutinho and Neymar can’t possibly compare to Mark Noble. Steve the Cornish postie is here on his way to Bruges, while Fraser has re-written his new better than Gone Girl epic and enjoyed hearing the “sack the board!’ chants at Wigan.

AND A BANG ON THE EAR

We start with our only 11 fit players, while Antonio is not on the bench because he arrived late for a team meeting. Early on Hernandez’s header sets up Mario for a volley, which he slices wide. But the new midfielder has good feet, looks comfortable on the ball and improves as the game goes on. Kouyate goes down and returns to the pitch with a Basil Fawlty-style head bandage to add to his wrist bandage.

When I remark that Cresswell will have to play as a left back again, Fraser quips, “he’s been within spitting distance of it all season.”

The Hammers exert some early pressure and only a great saving tackle from Tomkins denies Chicharito. But it all implodes when Cresswell is caught upfield and Townsend eludes Declan Rice to cross for Benteke to get between our centre backs and head home. At this point you’d expect our scratch side to collapse. Indeed Adrian is lucky a parry doesn’t fall to a Palace striker.

NOBLE CAUSE

But the spirit is much better under Moyes and this is epitomised by Kouyate. Lola suggests he looks like Mr Bump with his two bandages, but he has a storming game. It’s Cheikhou who wins a challenge and plays in Hernandez who in turn finds Super Mario. The new signing holds the ball up well before playing in Chicharito, who is scythed down by Tomkins. Mark Noble dispatches a typically calm penalty.  

Unless Hart can play up front there’s no-one on the bench who can change the game so the 11 out there have to remain resolute. Zabaleta does really well in an unfamiliar midfield role and prevents Zaha making many runs. Noble is tireless and passing well and Sam Byram causes lot of problems with his runs down the right. West Ham’s best chance is when Byram crosses and Chicharito’s header is well-saved by Hennessey, though it’s perhaps too close to the keeper. The bandaged Kouyate receives a standing ovation when he finally leaves the field late on and is replaced by Reece Oxford. A late free kick into the Palace box is just missed by Collins.

RESPECTING THE POINT

Respecting the pint

We hold on for the draw and with 11 players injured it’s a result to get anything out of this. In the Carpenters Road shouting tunnel the chants suggest the fans feel this is a point gained. It’s off to the Refreshment Rooms where we find Desperate Dan the Brentwood Man, a ghost from the East Stand past, who now knows more about wrestling than Robert Huth and took his poor son to his first away game at Wigan. Meanwhile Michael’s getting a little emotional about someone called the Brigadier from a TV science-fiction series and Fraser still wants to sack the board. Nigel needs another Peroni after discovering that West Ham have moved into the top ten…

We did well to get something from this and reinforcements are needed before the window closes today.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 6; Byram 7, Collins 6, Ogbonna 6, Rice 6, Cresswell 6; Zabaleta 7, Noble 7, Kouyate 8 (Oxford n/a), Mario 7; Hernandez 7.