Oh Teddy Teddy Teddy… went to West Ham and he coached us all!

So West Ham's new attacking coach is Teddy Sheringham. As a player for WHU he was a great signing by Alan Pardew and even at approaching 40 he still played with real intelligence. He's played for some top managers like Ferguson, Clough and Redknapp too, so let's hope he can impart some insights to Carroll, Zarate, Cole and even Modibo Maiga. Expect a large consignment of barn doors, bovine posteriors and banjos to arrive at Chadwell Heath any day now…

Hammers sign Zarate kid

West Ham have signed striker Mauro Zarate from Velez Sarsfield in Argentina, where he was top scorer last season with 13 goals in 19 games. The 27-year-old has clearly got some pedigree having played in the Argentina Under-20 side with Aguero. Zarate scored four times in 14 games while on loan at Birmingham in 2008, so Sullivan, Gold and Brady should know something of his character. At Lazio he scored 25 goals in 102 games and had a brief loan spell at Inter.

He’s also got an, ahem, interesting disciplinary record and reputation, having been in trouble for being pictured apparently giving a fascist salute with the Lazio Ultras while suspended for insulting a referee (he claimed not to know the salute's significance or to have heard of Hitler or Mussolini) and was also in trouble for for going on holiday with his family in the Maldives when he was meant to be having treatment in Argentina.

No mention has been made of what fee we have paid for him, which suggests it must be quite a lot. The club has been quick to post a clip of Zarate scoring with a stunning overhead kick, so let’s hope he can provide the entertainment promised. He certainly looks the sort of player who can benefit from the physical presence of Andy Carroll…

Hit the road Jack and George

So Joe Cole, Jack Collison and George McCartney are definitely being released by West Ham. A previous blog dealt with Joe Cole, but it's also sad to see the 33-year-old 'Linda' McCartney go. He's been a great signing on a free transfer and has given us three years' service of quiet consistency. He didn't complain when played at centre back and saw off the challenge of Rat and Armero last season, so let's hope we can finally sign a good young replacement. Sadly his departure will ruin all my "Get Back McCartney!" jokes too.

Jack Collison looked like being a great player under Zola until that terrible knee injury, but he came back well to star on our play-off semi-final win at Cardiff, and  has the admiration of everyone at Upton Park for so bravely play against Millwall after the death of his father in a motorbike accident. It doesn't look like his knee will stand top-level football anymore, but let's hope he gets a good club at Championship level.

Who will be West Ham's attacking coach?

Still no word on who will be WHU's new attacking coach. Fellow season-ticket holder Matt has already suggested it will be Kevin Nolan, who'll tell the lads to lump it towards the big man, boss. Or maybe Kevin Davies. John Radford might be available along with Iain Dowie who could teach us how to score ugly goals. David Kelly and Mike Small could teach our strikers new ways of getting caught offside, while Trevor Morley could suggest going down like a rag doll very time Bish plays you in. While John Hartson might have some interesting refuelling suggestions and Paolo Di Canio would be brilliant for the first half an hour until he walks off. Though if That's Entertainment is what we want, perhaps we should just get in Paul Weller as Style Counsellor.

Allardyce stays

So the board has just announced it's retaining Sam Allardyce, though the key part of its statement is surely this section from Gold and Sullivan mentioning the West Ham Way:

"We have a very clear vision of how we want West Ham United to operate under our joint ownership. Although not everybody understands the West Ham Way, we do and we respect it as we have been supporters all our lives. We believe this is about a philosophy that is not just about the style of play, but the whole ethos that surrounds the Club. Sam was asked to give us a detailed presentation on his vision for next season and during this he assured us that he can deliver that ethos to West Ham United and we have agreed to support him with the resources that he needs. We have mapped out a way forward with him that will ensure our much-deserving fans have more to cheer about next season."

On one hand you have to be careful what you wish for, as Allardyce keeps teams up. But this is his last chance at WHU and he has to produce more entertaining football. Big Sam can't claim not to have any idea what the West Ham way is, as his own chairmen are very clear they do know what it is. He's also been forced to agree to a new attacking coach, which is hardly a vote of confidence in his methods. Many fans will be disappointed that he hasn't gone today, but he's surely been told that things have to improve and hopefully instructed to be less arrogant in his dealings with the fans. Now Big Sam has to prove that he can get the Academy flowing again and with better players create a proper West Ham side. 

Allardyce has basically been retained after a vote of not much confidence. And if things don't get better — including, as well as better football, scoring from set pieces which is supposed to be his side's strength — then he could still be gone by Christmas.

Farewell Joey Cole

No surprise that Joey Cole is on how way, though every Irons fan will wish him well. Joey still had an eye for goal scoring three times last season, but it looked as if his legs had gone after too many injuries and he wasn't mobile enough for the modern Premier League. He's won stacks of medals at Chelsea, but never really been given a chance in the middle behind the strikers which many thought would be his best position. 

Cole's departure means that West Ham fans are no longer so haunted by the 'golden generation' of talent that escaped the club after relegation. Rio Ferdinand is on his way out at Man United, Jermain Defoe has moved to Canada, Michael Carrick can't have long left at Man United, Frank Lampard is probably in last season at Chelsea and only Glen Johnson has a few more years left at Liverpool. 

And interestingly, the Daily Mail claims that one of the things that may cost Sam Allardyce his job is the stalling of the Academy production line. The club that produced Cole, Carrick, Ferdinand and Lampard should be finding more talent, yet since James Tomkins no Academy products have become first-team regulars

Two-nil and someone else f••ked it up!

Phew. 2-0 and someone else f••ked it up in the FA Cup Final. I was waiting for Paul Konchesky to get the winner late on. Arsenal fans going wild - expect a run on designer cheeses and white wine in Highbury tonight…