Waiting game

By the way, the late Tom Sharpe wrote a novel in the time it's taken Andy Carroll to decide whether to join West Ham… He completed his debut novel Riotous Assembly in three weeks in 1971.

Mido retires

Following the departure of Benni McCarthy, another former West Ham legend, Mido, has retired at 30. He ended up on the bench at Barnsley, so it's hard to believe he once did the double at Ajax. He looked good at Spurs initially, but by the time he signed for us looked slower than Boris Johnson after a Spectator lunch. Will never forget that penalty he had saved at Everton, one of the feeblest West Ham have ever taken, though believe it or not I did  see him hit the post at Burnley on his debut. From then on it was all downhill...

Not drinking at O'Neil's?

I'm a little disappointed to see Gary O'Neil on WHU's list of released players. He was outstanding towards the end of last season in a new holding role and kept Mark Noble out of the side. O'Neil was the star man in season-changing results at Stoke at Liverpool. Though apparently the club might still come to some kind of late agreement. Can see why the club might be offering reduced terms as O'Neil's had a career-threatening injury and is now three years older, but I would have thought he is the sort of squad player we need to keep.

Benni retires

Jeremy Nicholas reports that Fat Benni McCarthy has today retired from football. Thought he did that at West Ham…

Adrian's wall

According to Jack Sullivan on twitter we've signed 26-year-old Real Betis goalkeeper Adrian on a free transfer. Adrian will give Jussi some competition and might be his ultimate successor. Interestingly his full name is Adrian San Miguel which makes him the first West Ham goalkeeper to be named after a lager. I've also been trying to think of any other one-named West Ham players apart from Adrian. There was Adrian and Portugeezer Dani. Any others come to mind?

Alvaro bid rejected

Looks like Andy Carroll isn't coming as West Ham have bid £14.5m bid for Sevilla striker Alvaro Negredo. The bid has been turned down, but it looks like most of our budget is going to go on on that elusive striker. Negrado scored 31 goals last season so clearly knows where the net is.

Doctor Sam?

Strangely no-one has mentioned Big Sam as being in the frame to take over from Matt Smith as the Doctor in Doctor Who. After all, WHU already has links with the BBC via The Apprentice. Big Sam would surely make a fine irascible Doctor, chewing gum as he hollered at Matt Jarvis to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. After all, he's good with stats and knows all about perception and reality. And Arsene Wenger often accuses him of taking football back in time… The way he argues with fourth officials would certainly scare the Daleks. And how about Karren Brady as his note-taking companion?