May the fourth be with you...

West Ham 2 Norwich City 0

It's down to the diehards of Fraser, Matt (in a yellow hoodie and looking suspiciously like a Canary) and Nigel, who counsels that Norwich have only scored three away goals all season. Matt adds that Dean Smith has asked his fans to stop cheering imaginary goals. What could possibly go wrong?

Soucek and Noble are missing, possibly with Covid, though it's good to have Cresswell back in the side at last. Early on Lanzini fizzes in a ball and Bowen turns to produce a good save from Krul. 

Then the Hammers go a little flat. The referee misses that Krul has manhandled Vlasic into the net at a corner and then Lanzini slices way over the bar from a short free kick. A short corner seems to have broken the deadlock as Bowen's cross drifts straight into the net. No-one has touched it but sodding VAR disallows it for offside anyway.

BOWEN AT THE DOUBLE

A proper goal does arrive when Cresswell overhits a cross, which finds Coufal on the other flank. Vlad's cross is a good one and Bowen profits from some poor marking to head home.

The second half should be a case of killing the game but the Hammers contrive to miss several chances. Ref Simon Hooper denies another good claim for a Vlasic penalty as the Croatian has his shorts tugged and is then brought down in the box. Antonio does a great turn, but only swivels to shoot over the bar.

It should be two as Lanzini and Fornals combine to release Bowen, who chips over Krul onto the bar. Jarrod then hits the base of the post with another effort. With more luck and better finishing he could have had 20 goals this season. But 1-0 is a dangerous scoreline and a great run from Idah sees Fabianski deflect the striker's shot onto his post. Great work from the underemployed Hammers' custodian.

With fourth spot and going above Arsenal at stake the crowd start to get a little nervous. Mystic Matt declares that the definition of insanity is bringing on Masuaku and Yarmy again and again and is then aghast as Arthur slices a cross hopelessly into the side netting.

But some of us have never doubted King Arthur. Just as Lisa is about to send over details of the latest meditation apps, Lanzini finds Arthur on the left and the maverick left-back crosses for Bowen to tap home from a just-onside position. There's a horrible two-minute pause but finally VAR allows the goal and it's an assist for Masuaku. 

Mystic Matt says that with hindsight he thought he was at a work meeting and his criticism of Arthur followed the correct procedure at all times -— though he will be offering a full apology to the public house later and we should await the result of the inquiry chaired by Michael the Whovian.

There's still time for Yarmolenko to test Krul and choruses of "West Ham are Massive!" and Bubbles to echo around the London Stadium. We go fourth!

After a brief catch-up with Old Shenfieldians Mark and Tim it's off to Ye Olde Black Bull for some Titanic plum porter. Games against sides at the bottom are never easy, but we did another professional job, even if the squad is looking dangerously thin. We're unbeaten all year. And on 37 points we might even be safe... Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 7, Diop 7, Dawson 6, Cresswell 6; Rice 8, Lanzini 6, Vlasic 6 (Masuaku 7), Fornals 6, Bowen 9; Antonio 6 (Yarmolenko 6). 

Hammers see off Norwich

West Ham 2 Norwich City 0

Welcome news reaches Part-Time Pete on top of Whinlatter that WHU have beaten Norwich and incredibly kept a clean sheet. Good to see Haller score again and Arthur Masuaku make the goal with a great run down the left. Yarmolenko’s goal was deserved after he hit the post a few seconds earlier and a moment of personal redemption celebrated with the medical team.

Cantwell, who looks about 12, went close for Norwich but the encouraging thing for Hammers fans was that Diop, Anderson and Snodgrass could all have added to the score and Haller had a blatant penalty turned down. Where was VAR? The only disturbing note to the afternoon was Nigel’s text claiming that Matt was drinking red wine. And for a moment we were fifth. Irons!

Kouyate inspires Hammers' comeback

West Ham 2 Norwich City 2

Inside Ken’s Café our team of Matt, Lisa, Michael and Nigel is discussing initiation ceremonies at drinking societies. “I joined the BullingDon Hutchison Society,” quips Matt. 

We’re joined by Matt’s brother Adam, who’s over from Melbourne. His mates in Basingstoke are putting on a special geezerpunk gig for him, as you do, so surely the Irons will also do their bit for a man who’s travelled 12,000 miles. Though maybe not, as Nigel starts saying that we’ll be top if we win and Man City lose and therefore jinxes us, according to Matt. 

Meanwhile Michael the Whovian is carrying a mysterious West Ham bag, which contains the costume he plans to wear to the evening’s performance of The Rocky Horror Show. The stewards’ search outside the East Stand should be interesting.

HE SCORES WHEN HE WANTS

“We’re Norwich City, we’ll sing on our own!” chant the away fans inside the stadium, only to be met with a chant of “You’re shagging your sister!’ from the Bobby Moore Stand.

West Ham look fairly lively for the opening nine minutes, until Mark Noble on the left tries to find James Tomkins with a crossfield pass. Brady nicks the ball and scores. Bugger. Norwich gain in confidence and look like adding a second as Jerome fires into the side netting, while the home side appear tired after playing extra-time at Leicester.

“Losing at home to a newly promoted side, it feels like we’re doing the timewarp again,” I suggest to Michael.

“Our defence is certainly rocky and it’s a bit of a horror show,” he concurs.

Even Payet is misplacing passes, but suddenly we equalise after 33 minutes. Sakho finds Payet out on the right and the Reunion magician races down the flank to send in a low cross that is met by Sakho’s well-timed run and results in a tap-in for Diafra (not Biafra as the programed called him).

Lanzini has a free kick just wide, but it’s 1-1 at the interval. The second half sees more Norwich chances as Adrian flies to his top corner like Superman to tip over Howson’s effort.

NORWICH GIVEN THE BIRD

There’s a bizarre stoppage as an injured pigeon lands on the pitch. Making the catch of the day, the Canaries’ Howson picks it up and removes it to the touchline to big cheers. Though one fan suggests it’s going straight into one of Delia Smith’s pies.

Victor Moses sends in a great cross from the right and Sakho gets a firm header at goal, but too close to Ruddy, who makes a fine stop.  Kouyate blasts the loose ball out for a throw-in. Moses is then replaced by Obiang.

A misplaced pass allows Sakho to run at the City defence and surrounded by four men he does really well to pick out Payet, who cuts inside a defender and is denied by a good Ruddy save. It’s end to end and Howson pulls the ball back for Jerome who looks certain to score, only for Adrian to save with his face, which stuns the keeper, who eventually recovers.

Andy Carroll comes on and within a minute goes down after stretching for the ball. The whole stadium is united in trepidation, fearing yet another injury, but thankfully he gets up and plays on.

It’s Norwich who look likely to win as Brady’s free kick is tipped round the post by Adrian. The corner is cleared but the ball returns to sub Redmond who cuts inside Mark Noble too easily and fires into the corner. With seven minutes to go it looks like we’ve now lost to two newly-promoted teams at home.

RUDDY HELL: KOUYATE'S SCORED! 

We revert to lumping the ball towards big Andy up front and on 90 minutes he also takes the ball past the keeper only to be foiled by a good catch by Ruddy. It’s always other teams that score against us in added time, never us. We’re in the third minute of added time when Reid is fouled on the right. Payet plays in a hopeful free kick. Ruddy is so concerned by the presence of Carroll that he punches the ball weakly, it rebounds of Big Andy and falls to Kouyate who fires home, running into the arms of the fans in the corner as he celebrates. Phew. Feels like a win now. Credit to Carroll for being a big lump and scaring the Norwich defence.

As If The Kids Are United and Teenage Kicks reverberate from the PA we retreat to the Central. It was important we got something out of the game today, and looking at my glass half-full of Old Speckled Hen, we’re unbeaten in four league matches and still third. It was a tired looking performance, but there’s no denying the spirit to get something out of a game where we looked likely to lose. And hopefully that pigeon will be fine.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 8; Jenkinson 5, Tomkins 6, Reid 7, Cresswell 5; Payet 7, Kouyate 6, Noble 5 (Zarate n/a), Lanzini 5 (Carroll 6), Moses 6 (Obiang 5); Sakho 7.

One hundred per cent record in 2013!

West Ham 2 Norwich 1

We're still in Pentewan for the New Year's Day game, but manage to follow the game via text, iffy wi-fi connection and Radio 5 after an up and down coastal walk to Magavissey - a bit like our season. Matt texts of strange happenings in Ken's Cafe. "It's all kicked off with some young idiot lacking respect and too stupid to order cups of tea. Carol kicked him out." Blimey.

While the mad dogs are running across the wide expanse of Pentewan beach my phone works long enough to hear of a two-goal lead at half-time lead through a Nobes pen, after a shirt pull on Reid, and a second scored by unsung hero Joey O'Brien while a Norwich player was down injured. Radio 5 confirms the inevitable 90th minute Norwich goal to make if difficult, but somehow we hold on.

Matt comments in a Samuel Beckett-esque text: "Should never have been in doubt. Somehow we contrived to give them hope when they had been awful for 70 minutes. CC missed a sitter and they hit the post with a free kick. Two really poor teams. Won 2-1 despite worst efforts of hopeless subs Maiga and Spence. Clinging on desperately in game we should have wrapped up. We won even though Mystic Morris rashly claimed 'We'll stuff the Canaries today!'"

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the West Ham way. Mystic Morris reports "We deserved to win but were shocking in the last ten minutes" and confirms some epic anger management issues between the Vicar's Son and our subs. The Gav has my ticket and texts: "Needed some luck (and their injuries). Seemed to flirt with disaster in second half so final whistle was a relief. Totally controlled first half though."

Thanks to modern technology it's almost like being there. A big three points for a team without the suspended Nolan and Collins and some welcome distance between us and the bottom six. Good to see Vaz Te play a full game and hit the post and Collison is back too, giving the squad a lot more options. Four more wins from 18 games and we're safe, which has always been the priority this season.