Hammer horror show continues

West Ham 1 Chelsea 5

In the Best Meze Cafe Matt has been served two-thirds of a pint of rosé wine, which is probably just as well allowing for what is to follow. Michael arrives wearing a cryptic t-shirt reading "Underestimate Me" and as the falafel and haloumi mushrooms arrive we commiserate with Big Sam on his misfortune in buying a season ticket. In the stadium we find CQ and Nigel, wearing a Helsinki t-shirt purchased on a train holiday around Finland.

The crowd seem up for it at the start and Cole Palmer has been withdrawn after the warm-up. Surely we can't be as bad as at Sunderland? After six minutes Estevao plays a loose ball, Diouf feeds Paqueta who isn't challenged and races towards the box to send a brilliant swerving shot into the top of the net past a despairing Sanchez. That's more like the old Lucas.

It's the perfect start as the crowd tell Chelsea where to insert their blue flag. Now we have something to defend, only that's the problem. Nine minutes later Chelsea get a corner. Cucurella gets above Paqueta ro flick on at the near post and Joao Pedro rises above Todibo and Fullkrug to head home. Its a simple set-piece goal that we just shouldn't concede. The defence is still not doing the basics.

West Ham's response appears to be good as Todibo plays a one-two with Paqueta to get down the right and cross. Kilman fires into a defender but Fullkrug gets the rebound and slams the ball past Sanchez. Cue sodding VAR and Todibo being adjudged offside by a toe.

West Ham then concede another sloppy goal. Diouf plays a difficult ball to Paqueta on the edge of the box, Lucas falls over and claims a foul but Chelsea play on. West Ham don't, and Joao Pedro crosses for Neto to get behind Wan-Bissaka and volley home. We're not good enough to play it out from the back

Soucek and Ward-Prowse are being by-passed in midfield as Chelsea dominate. Brazilian wonderkid Estevao skates through our defence and past Soucek to cross for Hernandez to score. Again Wan-Bissaka, a talented player having a terrible game, has let his man get in front of him.

Nigel eats his lucky banana at half-time, though we are sensing that having produced only one trophy in 45 years it might be losing its power. Potter takes off Todibo for Freddie Potts and Fullkrug for Wilson.

It doesn't get better. From a Chelsea corner Hermansen flaps hopelessly at the ball and pals the ball to Caicedo who shoots home.Four minutes later another Chelsea corner sees Hermansen bullied out of it, admittedly not protected much by his defenders, and is on the ground as Chalobah scores. We start to remember the days of Roberto and Allen McKnight. It was a mistake to bring Hermansen in so soon after signing and he has to be dropped now for Areola. His confidence is shot and it won't have been helped by the crowd giving ironic cheers late on when he does catch the ball. 

CHELSEA DAGGER

Five-one down after 58 minutes, with three goals conceded from corners. Luckily Chelsea decide to ease up and bring on some subs. West Ham do make a few chances. Kilman and Aguerd head over from corners, Potts has a shot well-saved by Sanchez and Wilson dawdles instead of shooting, opting to pass to Walker-Peters who has a low effort cleared from in front of the line. 

Michael looks mournfully towards fourth official James Mainwaring and declares, "We're doomed, we're all doomed!" Matt agrees that at least the ref had a good game. West Ham leave the pitch to boos from those fans left, though Nigel does at least spot his West Ham pal from the Hawkwind concert.

Ye Olde Black Bull is clean out of whisky and revolvers but does have some cold Brixton Pale Ale to help us as the TV plays Jamie Redknapp and Robert Green on Sky dissecting our frailties. Potter hasn't made any difference in eight months and can't get his team doing basic defending. On Sky Robert Green suggests that he plays three centre-backs because he doesn't trust any of them. Eight goals conceded in two games and Potter is in big trouble. Should we lose to Wolves, Forest and Spurs Potter might, like Nigel and CQ in Helsinki, be expecting the Finnish. 

But it's not just the manager, the club is suffering from years of bad decisions made by the owners. We still don't know why Moyes didn't sign that new contract in January 2024 with West Ham sixth, but those fans who appeared on phone-ins saying Moyes was holding us back are looking pretty silly now.

Just to round it off the Mildmay line train is full of horrible Chelsea fans singing "Three more years, three more years Graham Potter!" to round off the pain. The world is bad enough without this. West Ham urgently need a leader on the pitch, someone who can defend corners, two athletic midfielders and a manager who can inspire much better performances from a still-talented squad. Apart from that everything is fine.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hermansen 3; Wan-Bissaka 3, Todibo 3 (Potts 5), Kilman 3, Aguerd 3, Diouf 4; Soucek 3 (Walker-Peters 5), Ward-Prowse 3, Paqueta 6; Bowen 4, Fullkrug 5 (Wilson 5).

Stuck in the middle

West Ham have been linked with more midfield players than you can shake a rolled-up contract at. This was always the area most in need of attention and the club has been linked with a plethora of talent this summer. Douglas Luiz always seemed unlikely, as did Jacob Ramsey who has since gone to Newcastle and also Jack Grealish, who is now on loan at Everton along with the Grealish sniper. 

The Hammers have recently had a £30 million bid for Southampton's Mateus Fernandes knocked back, with the Saints saying they value him at £50 million, which seems far too much for a player from a relegated side. The club has since come back with an improved offer. 

Meanwhile we seem to have had 57 varieties of bids elsewhere, with a reported £45million bid for Chelsea's Brazilian midfielder Andrey Santos. Another name in the frame is Lille's Ngal'ayel Mukau (the real Mukau?) and also Barcelona's Marc Casado, though whether he would want to leave Las Ramblas for Westfield is questionable.And now the Evening Standard adds Werder Bremen’s Romano Schmid and Lens midfielder Andy Diouf to that extensive list. While we're still waiting on Godot from Beckett FC. The pessimist in me is already thinking we won't get any of them. What is clear is that the next 11 days of the transfer window are vital to the Potter project. 

It looks like Edson Alvarez is about to be loaned to Fenerbache to free up space and Rodriguez could be going to Saudi Arabia. For all the pessimism the Irons have some classy attackers in Bowen, Fullkrug, Paqueta, Summerville and Callum Wilson. But we desperately need that midfield energy to supply them. Is it too late to put out a call on LinkedIn? Or perhaps entice Billy Bonds out of retirement?

Hammers mauled by Black Cats

Sunderland 3 West Ham 0

It's always dangerous listening to games on the radio at home as we inevitably lose. It's a case of meet the new midfield, same as the old midfield. Potter opts for Rodriguez, a player the club is trying to offload, Ward-Prowse and Paqueta in front of the five-man defence when surely Soucek or Alvarez would be better for a game against a feisty newly-promoted side. Hermansen gets the nod in goal ahead of Areola.

Early on Bowen does well to fire a shot against keeper Roefs' legs and the speedy Diarra has an effort well-saved by Hermansen. The full-backs don't really get forward much apart from Fullkrug setting up a fine goalbound effort from Diouf, which is saved by a block from Ballard.

You expect West Ham to step it up after the break but it's Sunderland who take the lead. It's a fairly simple cross that sees Mayenda get in front of Aguerd to loop his header into the corner. Could the keeper have got across his goal quicker? The ball seems to go in in slow motion.That gives the home crowd a big boost. 

It's two when the towering Ballard meets another cross by out-jumping Paqueta. We've spent £110 million on our three central defenders and shouldn't be conceding headers like these.

Potter acts too late, bringing on Wilson and Soucek before finally abandoning the five-man defence by taking off Todibo for Andy Irvine in the final ten minutes. The Portobello Pirlo does put in a decent free kick that flicks of a Sunderland defender and has to be tipped over by Roefs.

With the Hammers forced to press Sunderland get a third in added time from a West Ham corner. Isidor breaks at speed, Diouf doesn't get in a challenge, Hermansen gets a hand to the ball without stopping it and and it's three-nil. 

You've got to feel sorry for Big Joe who is at the match reading his copy of Granta among the Makems. To make it worse Kudus has made two goals for Spurs. Still, as my pal Matt suggests, it could all be a masterclass from Potter designed to convince Sullivan to spend big on a new midfield. Paqueta has been anonymous despite his FA charges reprieve. Does he want to go or stay?

Are we in for a relegation struggle after one game? This game was always going to be difficult but West Ham shouldn't be getting walloped by a newly-promoted side full of new players. The side is looking stale and the build up us still one-paced. A big big improvement is required against Chelsea.

First trophy of the season!

West Ham 1 Lille 1 (West Ham won on pens 5-4) (Boyle Sports Cup)

Well, at least we've reached a cup final. Watching the Boyle Sports Cup on the WHU feed reveals a few pointers on how Potter might approach the season. As on the US tour he's gone for three centre backs and it's good to see Nayef Aguerd back at the club. Generally the defence looks a lot more solid without the Greek Bloke, though with good coaching perhaps Potter can help eliminate the mistakes in Dinos's game.

The downside is that Lille look the better side in the first half and the midfield is outnumbered. Freddie Potts is neat and defends well but doesn't look as yet what we need in the Premier League, while Ward-Prowse goes close with one shot and takes a lot of free kicks but is not really the answer either. Paqueta picks up a silly booking and never gets going as West Ham show a reluctance to play the ball forwards. 

Bowen fires against the keeper's legs but West Ham prove they are still adept at conceding before the break. Wan-Bissaka plays Olivier Giroud onside and the former Arsenal man chests it down to volley home a fine goal.

Things improve a bit in the second half as Diouf and Wan-Bissaka get forward more and the side shows more aggression. Todibo and Kilman make things happen a couple of times stepping up from the back most notably when Kilman's run sets up Bowen to pull the ball wide.

It's a decent test against a side that finished fifth in the French league. Aguerd heads over from a corner. Fullkrug has a header tipped away by Bodart and a training ground free-kick routine sees him fire over. Bringing on Walker-Peters, Rodriguez and Soucek makes a difference.

With three minutes left the big German is not to be denied. Some diligent pressing of the keeper sees Walker-Peters and Bowen win the ball back and feed Soucek, who pulls back for Niclas to score. The cup dream remains on.

In the shoot-out Fullkrug hits the first penalty too tamely, having also had one saved in the Betway Cup last season, prompting Matt to quip that we have signed the only German striker not to be able to take a penalty. Everyone else scores though and it's left to Alphonse Areola, looking increasing like one of the Three Musketeers with his new Barnet and 'tache, to make a couple of smart penalty saves. That will do his confidence some good in the battle for the no 1 spot with Mads Hermansen. Kilman scores his penalty and we've won the cup. 

So a slightly sheepish-looking Jarrod Bowen picks up the Boyle Sports Cup and Diouf gets to pick up a trophy before he's played a league match. The quadruple remains on!

Hammers opt for Mads man in goal

West Ham's offer of £18 million has been accepted by Leicester City for goalkeeper Mads Hermansen. The club were said to be about to sign John Victor from Botafogo, though clearly you don't get many Victors at West Ham. The Hammers are opting for a few years of living Danishly with Lucasz Fabianski gone and Hermansen always appeared to be Potter's first choice. He will surely challenge and possibly replace Alphonse Areola. 

Hermansen certainly had a fine game when Leicester beat West Ham 3-1 in Ruud Van Nistelrooy's first game in charge, making great saves from Bowen and Kudus (but then every new signing has invariably done well against us). Mads got plenty of practice with Leicester as they went down with a whimper, but still managed to look a decent keeper. He also played in their Championship winning side. At 25 he's a good age for a goalkeeper and is thought to be better with his feet than the Fonz. 

Meanwhile Michail Antonio has been released, which always seemed inevitable. He was a fading force even before his terrible car crash and it seems unlikely he'll play at the top level again, though it would be nice to see him retained at the club in some other role. Still, we'll always have those carpet-stroking goal celebrations. Antonio at his best was at times unplayable and has been at West Ham since the Bilic season at Upton Park when we finished seventh. He played with the enthusiasm of a man who'd come up from non-league football and really blossomed as a converted striker under David Moyes. No-one ever knew quite what he'd do next, including both fans and defenders. Micky will be missed.

Is signing Wilson awfully wise?

So the free transfer of Callum Wilson has finally gone through. A lot of people seem to be going into social media meltdown over this. Yes we still need a young striker unless Callum Marshall makes the PL grade, but on a one-year-deal and with a contract that is mainly based on pay-as-you-play there's not too much to lose.

The downside is that signing an injury-prone 33-year-old striker who only started two games last season sounds unambitious and like the old West Ham, just content to stay up. Is he the next Danny Ings? There's also the perception that Wilson might be a David Sullivan signing, though Potter seems happy to talk up the worth of Callum.

In the main West Ham should be buying younger players, but if Potter wanted Wilson then he's a proven long-term Premier League goalscorer, a striker who scores every three games, with 132 goals spread over ten seasons at Coventry, Bournemouth and Newcastle (and he'd inevitably score against the Irons). Potter mentioned Danny Welbeck, now 34, whom he took to Brighton as a similarly derided signing and managed to largely keep clear of injury and rejuvenate his career. 

Three seasons ago at Newcastle Wilson scored 18 goals and that was while competing with Isak. If he can stay fit he'll be a good option to bring off the bench, though that if is a very big if at the moment. But goalscoring is the hardest part of the game and if Wilson does stay in one piece then Potter's gamble will have been worthwhile.

The other positive is that West Ham have now had a Pike, Walker, Jones and Wilson on the books. To complete the Dad's Army set all we need is Godfrey, Fraser and Mainwaring. Don't panic!