Kicked up the Arsenal

Arsenal 3 West Ham 1

Undercover agents Nigel, Matt and myself rendezvous at my safe north London house ready to infiltrate the home fans. Matt has a bad back and looks as mobile as Iain Dowie, but spectates through the pain barrier. 

Only as we leave my gate a rather beery Gooner comes up to us. "Are you lads Arsenal fans?" It is then that Nigel denies his religion and says we are Gooners. "Course you are, you couldn't be anything else living round here!" We then learn that our new friend only got a keyring for Christmas from his missus while all the money went on his kids. At the ground we separate into our seats borrowed from absent Arsenal fans. Two seats away from me is Lee, another undercover Hammer marooned in Finsbury Park. We exchange meaningful glances. Agent Lola is also among the Arsenal fans next to the Hammers' contingent. 

I'm behind the goal with an Arsenal flag being passed over my head and chants of, "Stick you f***ing bubbles up your arse!" Saka has an early goal disallowed for offside and Arsenal move the ball around crisply. But Bowen and Antonio are causing some problems for the Arsenal defence. When Bowen has his leg taken away by Saliba, the Irons win a penalty. Despite the Gooners fans waving their arms in the air to distract him, Said sticks it down the middle and scores. I do my best to look depressed.

Coufal and Bowen pick up bookings but the team are working hard and Rice is looking strong in midfield. It's a rearguard action though and Arsenal are awarded a penalty in added time. Only thanks to VAR it's correctly overturned as the ball struck Cresswell's head. The Arsenal fans howl with rage. Incredibly we're ahead at the break.

At half time I meet Agent Nigel for a chat and then in the gents spot an Arsenal fan carrying a D H Lawrence The Lost Girl Penguin Classics tote bag. Matt has observed at the bar that the Tempranillo Shiraz is temporarily unavailable and the Flowerhead Merlot will be served instead.

The second half begins with Antonio getting through but having his shot smothered by Ramsdale. Arsenal step up a gear and their intricate passing patterns cause big problems — they also start to put themselves about a lot more. The equaliser comes when Odegaard's shot is deflected into the path of Saka, who has been played onside by Coufal.

The Gooners start to ecstatically chant, "There's only one Arsene Wenger!" after he's spotted in the stand. The second goal arrives five minutes after the equaliser when the pacy Martinelli looks likely to cross but catches out Fabianski at his near post. "We are top of the league!" chant the home fans.

The third goal arrives as Nketiah rolls Kehrer too easily and slots home a good finish as I'm hugged by a Gunners' fan. "Are you Tottenham in disguise?" ask the North Bank. 

Arsenal look like they could win the league on this form but West Ham do keep going. It's good to see Mubama get eight minutes at the end and sub Fornals forces Ramsdale to make an excellent late save. We never expected to get too much out of this and at least we have given them a game, though conceded three poor goals. The next three or four games are now vital for West Ham and Moyes to get out of a relegation struggle.

Agents Matt and Nigel meet back at my house to discuss D H Lawrence and Wainwright wallcharts over tea and Proper Job. Football is back. Arsenal will turn over a lot of teams, but now our old/new season starts with the visit of the bus stop in Hounslow. The new signings have to gel into a team and quickly.