Resurgent Hammers tame Wolves

West Ham 1 Wolves 0

The West Ham players are warming up in Yarmolenko shirts. At kick-off time Declan Rice holds up a Yarmolenko shirt and the big screens have a message of support for Yarmy and Ukraine. There's a moving round of applause and the Irons set about their business. 

I'm joined by Nigel, carrying his lucky Status Quo tour plastic bag that now has a torn handle, plus his Wolves-supporting mate Adrian. Michael the possible fan of a cult science fiction show returns, dreaming of dinner with Whovian royalty Katy Manning and Nicola Bryant, plus Mystic Matt and Fraser, who is hoping his hero Big Fat Sam might be called in at Leeds to replace Bielsa. Alison and Scott appear to have been lost in the fog of war, or possibly Clacton.

The Hammers seem to have got some energy back. Moyes has made a clever tactical tweak, playing Cresswell as a centre back and Fornals as a left wing-back, a role in which he does well. It's WHU's best performance since the Chelsea game in early December. Soucek wins a tackle to set up a chance and is looking sharp.

The first half is all West Ham attacking, though Cody, Kilman and co are difficult to break down. Ben Johnson wins a free kick which Cresswell fires narrowly wide. Soucek finds Antonio, who forces a save from Sa, while Zouma pokes over from a corner with Antonio better-placed to score. 

Fornals makes a good run down the left and finds Rice, who curls a great shot against the post. After the Irons' recent lethargy it's all quite a shock. Our only complaint is the sun in our eyes, despite the promises of the man at the WHU reservation office back in 2015.

But there's still time to almost concede a dodgy goal before half-time. Zouma makes a fine tackle to deny Saiss and then a clearance falls to Hwang Hee-Chan, who fires wide when he should hit the target.

NO DOUBTING TOMAS

At half-time Nigel distributes pieces of silver chocolate money from CQ's stocking and quips that they are a gift from from Paul Ince. Wolves improve after the break as they bring on three subs, with Trincao shooting narrowly over. 

It's left to Mystic Matt to earn three points for WHU, as he exclaims, "We never do anything from throw-ins". Fraser counters that this one will be different and he's right. Fornals plays a neat backheel to Cresswell who finds Antonio. Michail plays in a low cross and Soucek is on hand to tap home on his birthday.

Wolves almost reply as the excellent Zouma (catgate seems a long time ago with a real war in Europe) blocks a Saiss effort. The Hammers almost wrap the game up as Fornals finds the free Bowen, who shoots straight at Sa. 

Encouragingly Antonio uses his strength and speed to get past Cody and Kilman, who are both good defenders, and thrillingly advance on the Wolves goal, only to try and pass when he should shoot. That's more like it from Micky though, he's been a threat all game, even if he looks exhausted by the end.

The Irons are helped by Wolves' slow build-up, with Fabianski taking a series of crosses and then comfortably saving a Neves shot. Diop comes on in added time to make a great firm but fair tackle, Bubbles rings round the stadium and then it's all over - a very good three points against our close rivals.

BACK ON TRACK

Just maybe the dream of the top four is still on. We retreat to the Railway, which is bereft of most beers bar Guinness and Newcastle Brown. Somehow the conversation in the garden turns to John Major's affair with Edwina Currie, which Nigel describes as a "marmalade dropping" or "f**k me Nora" moment — phrases immediately noted down by Michael in his little black book.

Statto Matt is full of admiration for the anorak who has discovered that Soucek is only the second West Ham player to score on his birthday, following on from Michael's favourite player the great Ricardo Vaz Te. While I've forgotten all about Nigel's story of Robert Plant's Wolves' sticker on his suitcase allegedly causing a devil-worshipping scare at a US customs post.

Adrian takes his side's defeat well, though does order an extra pint of Cors, causing our rebels with a Cors to carry on drinking even longer. Still, a decent home performance is something to be celebrated. And after all we are staying up - 45 points should do it now. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Johnson 7, Zouma 8, Dawson 7, Cresswell 7, Fornals 7 (Diop n/a); Rice 8, Soucek 7, Lanzini 7, Bowen 6; Antonio 7 (Vlasic n/a).

Bring on Sevilla

If you're going to do well in Europe you've got to play some good sides, so bring on Sevilla in the Europa League. With the second leg under the lights at the London Stadium anything could happen. Though the big worry is how the ailing squad gets through the rest of the season. Coufal is now out with a hernia but Johnson is a quality deputy. But in midfield and attack the options are limited. The Athletic has a revealing statistic that Rice, Bowen, Antonio and Fabianski are all in the top ten for most minutes played in the Premier League this season. 

The relatively fresh Vlasic needs to come in and use his strength at some stage and you wonder what was the point of loaning Kral if he's deemed not good enough to start in the PL. By some miracle Antonio has remained fit all season but he's looking very tired and needs a rest, except we have no options bar Bowen. Still, to look at the big picture solidarity with Andrei Yarmolenko and Ukraine. Moyes has understandably given some Yarmy some time off. Though returning to the smaller picture, let's hope the team look a little fresher against Wolves tomorrow.

Haller's problems in England

Interesting interview with Sebastien Haller in the Guardian today. He says he realises that he was the wrong sort of striker for the system David Moyes plays with his lack of pace and inability to beat players — though his predatory instincts have now made him the top scorer in the Champions League for Ajax. He also reveals that he wasn't that happy in London. Sports psychologist Gary Bloom has written a very good book Keeping Your Head In The Game, revealing the off-field problems that affect many top athletes. And indeed Haller says that he had just had a new baby with his partner and wasn't getting much sleep, was living in a hotel, had to adapt to a new environment and then deal with the pandemic and was left "feeling like a zombie". We often forget that players are human beings who need to be happy off the pitch to perform on it. Click on the link to read the whole piece.

Tired Hammers held by the Toon

West Ham United 1 Newcastle United 1

It's a rather subdued atmosphere for a 12.30pm kick off at the London Stadium, with some empty seats as the trains from Essex are down after Storm Eunice. But Nigel is there with his lucky Status Quo plastic bag, plus Matt, Lisa and Fraser. We're joined by Ernie, a member of the rather small club of Lithuanian-born Londoners who support Newcastle — he blames it on Alan Shearer. Michael the Playwright is spending more time with his folios and the part-time Clacton contingent are suffering from pier pressure.

Coufal has a hernia which is a blow, while Lanzini is also out. The Hammers start like they don't know how to cope with Storm Toon for the first ten minutes, even though Trippier and Saint Maximin are out for the visitors. Rice loses his man and Joelinton forces a good save from Fabianksi, before Willock has a shot deflected over.

Slowly the Irons come into the game, though much of our play is laboured. A good chance is created when Fredericks heads on to Bowen who strikes the bar from a tight angle. The Hammers take the lead after Antonio wins a free kick. Cresswell puts on an inviting cross and Dawson heads home to score in for the second time in two games.

All we have to do is keep the ball and hold out to half time. Yet in added time Rice miscues a header into the path of Willock, who moves sharply to toe home off the post for his first of the season.

DRAWING DRAWING WEST HAM

The second half sees much work-rate but little in the way of chances created, while Newcastle always look dangerous on the break. Antonio's afternoon is summed up by an air kick and then a shot ballooned over the bar. Soucek is anonymous, Benrahma gets hooked, Fornals works hard but doesn't create much and even Rice has a poor game. 

Johnson at least looks solid in place of Fredericks and Dawson and Zouma have good games at the back. While Vlasic injects some energy when he comes on to immediately get clogged. Late on Bowen is scythed down by an agricultural challenge from Dan Burn and almost gets in a fight, probably threatening the Toon defender with a visit from Danny Dyer.

It ends in a score draw and is a fair result. We effectively relinquished a top-four chance by failing to sign anyone in the window and now it's a case of hanging on to the top eight. Somehow Moyes has to get the team out its tired mode and summon up some energy. But at least we are picking up the odd point when looking knackered and are now unbeaten in four, to be more positive — and Newcastle have given a spirited performance.

We trudge away in the drizzle to Stratford as I point out that we could still be relegated on 42 points. Inside the Refreshment Rooms we are joined by Desperate Dan who has tales of dodgy tour goings on with wrestlers and then have an enjoyable discussion of West Ham's worst ever signings. Fraser opts for Roberto, though we manage to brainstorm through John Radford, Mido, Benni McCarthy, David Kelly, Marco Boogers, Florin Raducioiu, Simone Zaza, Jonathan Calleri, Havard Nordtveit and a host of other disasters. But at least the ceiling stays up.

Wolves has now become a six-pointer for our stretched squad. We need a goal for Antonio and some form to return to our senior pros.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Fredericks 5 (Johnson 6), Dawson 8, Zouma 7, Cresswell 6; Soucek 4, Rice 5, Fornals 5, Benrahma 5 (Vlasic 6), Bowen 6; Antonio 5.

In praise of Craig Dawson

It was a good time for Craig Dawson to get his first league goal of the season on Sunday. And what a bargain he has proved at £2 million. He's not the best ball-player in the world, but he is a proper defender who enjoys tackling and scoring goals from set pieces. His character was there to see when he blocked a dangerous effort against Watford and got a kick in the head and when he had the nerve to thump home a penalty in the shoot-out against Man City.

Dawson was originally loaned as a fourth-choice centre-back and spent a couple of months on the bench. Yet he has seen off Balbuena (sold), Diop (loss of form), Ogbonna (injury) and Zouma (cat attack). Once again he is the man holding WHU together at the back. He can sometimes be vulnerable against a top class forward like Salah and bang in the odd own goal, but he never gives less than 200 per cent effort and is an example to those around him. Dawson cost £2 million after the Irons had bid £30m for James Tarkowski. A very underrated player who has come up the hard way via Rochdale and West Brom and it shows.

Dawson's sleeve saves point for West Ham

Leicester City 2 West Ham United 2 

It's off to the Hole in the Wall at Waterloo for this one, only to find the pub doesn't have Sky any more. Then it's on to the Wellington which is mainly rugby, before Lisa at Team WHU HQ directs us to the Camel and Artichoke on Lower Marsh, which has plenty of room but subtitles rather than commentary, which does at least reduce the stress levels. 

It's a near-full team of Matt — who has already seen Clapton v Stonewall the previous day — Nigel, Fraser and Michael the Whovian, who is later to dine with a legendary DJ, as you do.

Zouma has pulled out after the warm-up apparently with a stomach bug, so Diop is in. After his terrible game at Kidderminster (one paper gave him one out of ten) Issa gets a welcome confidence boost with an assist for the opener. His long ball finds Bowen getting behind the dodgy Leicester defence and slotting home a crisp finish with his left foot.

West Ham aren't playing brilliantly  — and Fornals inexplicably fails to attack an inviting cross — but look in control until a routine corner is misjudged by Cresswell, who deflects the ball with his elbow. Tielemans dispatches the penalty. There's still time for Rice to surge forward and set up Cresswell who has a shot deflected wide.

Leicester are much more confident in the second half. Barnes gets round Coufal to send in a low cross that Daka just fails top connect with. On 57 minutes Coufal fails to close down Barnes;' cross and Ricardo powers above Cresswell to head home. For the rest of the game it looks like a home win and Coufal is having such a torrid time that he is replaced by Fredericks (wouldn't Johnson be better defensively?).

Benrahma comes on after 79 minutes and at least gets a few shots away. But the worrying thing is that five or six players are way off form. Coufal, Cresswell, Soucek, Fornals and Antonio are all way below their best, though Diop has done OK. Camden Pale seems the only answer.

But one thing this West Ham have is resilience. Benrahma wins a corner in the 91st minute. Bowen swings it in and the underrated Craig Dawson attacks the ball well and puts it in to the back of the net with his shoulder. There's a worrying VAR pause but as the ball hit Craig's sleeve the goal stands. 

This is either two points lost in WHU's bid for the top four, or more realistically a good away point in our bid to finish in the top eight. The side isn't playing well, but we are still getting a few results. And at least this weekend no-one has kicked a cat. Irons!

Zouma has now been punished enough

West Ham have fined Kurt Zouma two weeks' wages and he's had his cats taken away by the RSPCA. He has lost his Adidas contract and is going to get booed at every away ground and quite possibly by his own fans. It was a mistake to play him on Tuesday, but he's now been the subject of national front-page humiliation after his brother (not the brightest button in the box) posted that video on Snapchat. Plus Zouma might also face legal action. 

Young-ish men sometimes do stupid things and David Moyes claims it's out of character from the big man. If you read the court of twitter he should be banned from football forever. But there's a need for some perspective here. His actions have not been without consequence. Zouma needs educating in how to treat animals (and there's nothing the British react more to than being cruel to pets) but he also deserves the chance to prove that he can learn from his mistakes and become a better man.

Hammers win it by a whisker

West Ham 1 Watford 0 

The game is of course overshadowed by catgate and surprisingly Moyes has selected Zouma to play. If it's a dead cat strategy to distract the media from our performance at Kidderminster then it's certainly worked. There's no precedent for animal cruelty in football, but the board should surely have taken the decision to drop Zouma while disciplinary action was decided upon. 

Zouma does in fact play quite well, but is booed (or is it catcalled?) by both Watford fans and some sections of the home fans. Diehard fans Fraser, Nigel, Michael, Matt and Lisa are all in the London Stadium for this crucial game and the tribute to young Isla Caton at the start is a better advert for football.

West Ham start slowly again and our passing is at times horribly awry, while Watford look much better organised under Roy Hodgson with their two banks of four smothering West Ham's creative players. Watford almost take the lead when a good break sees Kucka head wide when he should probably score.

The Irons raise themselves and a great reverse pass from Bowen sees Benrahma have a shot first blocked by Cathcart (was it handball?) and then fire against the side of the post.The second half sees more of the same with Watford time wasting and Fornals, Benrahma and Soucek all having quiet games while Antonio looks exhausted after his spell with Jamaica. Even Rice is at times affected (though he makes a brilliant saving tackle to prevent a goal that would have been called offside) and at times it resembles a tense relegation six-pointer. 

JARROD MARCHES ON

Fabianski has to make a good save from Cleverley. Moyes acts by bringing on Lanzini for Benrahma after 60 minutes and the little playmaker does quicken up West Ham's attacks. Eight  minutes later the breakthough arrives. Lanzini finds Bowen midway in the Watford half and Jarrod's shot takes a wicked deflection off Samir to deceive Foster. If you don't shoot you don't score and that's the piece of luck we needed. Bowen is now WHU's top scorer with 11 goals.

Josh King outpaces the Hammers defence and sets up Cleverley who blazes over. Bowen cuts inside his man and Foster tips the ball on to the post. There's a tense finish to the game and there's still time for the Vicar's Son to hurl some ungodly language at a dawdling Cresswell. We hold on though and the victory takes the Hammers into an unlikely fourth spot.

The players collapse at the final whistle having ground out a result while off-form, and Michael quotes Wellington, as you do, saying, "Both mind and feeling are exhausted. I am wretched even at the moment of victory, and I always say, that next to a battle lost the greatest misery is a battle gained." Though Roy Hodgson makes an unlikely Napoleon.

It's not been a purr-fect performance and you wonder how much the media storm affected the team as a whole. But it's still a good result and, of course, on 40 points we're finally safe. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 6, Dawson 7, Zouma 6 (Cat Protection rating -10), Cresswell 5; Soucek 5, Rice 7, Benrahma 5 (Lanzini 7), Fornals 5; Bowen 8, Antonio 5.

Catgate

Sometimes events surprise even seasoned West Ham watchers like myself. Of all the ways to create self-inflicted damage, Kurt Zouma kicking his cat on social media is an unexpected and bizarre own goal. And what sort of idiot thought it clever to post the video? 

We've had Antonio crashing his car while dressed as a snowman, Hayden Foxe urinating in a plant pot and Enner Valencia injuring himself on a teacup, but catgate? Even by WHU standards this is unusual. Hardly the preparation we need for the game against Watford. The club has rightfully condemned Zouma and he has apologised — and clearly needs some time with the RSPCA to think about his actions. You really couldn't make it up... and now we're not feline too confident about the match tonight.

Rice and Bowen save lacklustre Hammers

Kidderminster Harriers 1 West Ham 2 (aet) (FA Cup)

Up against a plucky non-league side in a live TV game — what could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot it seems. From the kick off Zouma hoofs the ball out of play and it gets worse. Diop is slow to everything, Kral is ineffective in midfield, Yarmolenko is getting hustled off the ball and the side just don't look up for it against a side that chases everything. 

Kidderminster take a deserved lead when Areola comes out but fails to gather a free kick and Penny calmly slots home the loose ball. The half is summed up by a stupid short corner from Noble and Johnson then booting the ball into touch.

At least Moyes removes Diop and Kral for Rice and Dawson at half-time and the Irons improve a little, even if the build-up is painfully slow. Kidderminster keeper Simpson has to make a smart double save from Bowen and Benrahma forces a great block from Preston.

The only good thing is that Robert Plant is in the crowd, allowing for Nigel to quip on WhatsApp that West Ham look Dazed and Confused after a Communication Breakdown. And I think I can hear my pal Matt shouting at the TV in Holloway.

With ten minutes left a desperate Yarmolenko performs an embarrassing dive in the box. Soucek, Cresswell and Fornals have come on but it still looks like being an epic giantkilling victory for Kidderminster until added time. Declan Rice is in his own half when he finds Fornals, but gallops upfield to take the return ball, turn inside a defender and wallop it into the roof of the net, before celebrating in front of the massively relieved away fans. Thank goodness we have a world-class player in Declan. The Cup Final Breakfast at Nigel's gaff in Kew remains on — just.

To their credit Kidderminster still make it hard for the Irons in extra time. Bowen has a goal disallowed for offside, Zouma goes down injured, and it looks like an inevitable penalty shoot-out. That's until added time again, when Yarmolenko, who has at least kept going, plays in a deflected cross to Cresswell, whose cross is turned in by Bowen at the far post. VAR might have called it offside, but Jon Moss gives it and the Hammers are through, though the players look almost apologetic after an embarrassing victory.

Great credit to sixth-tier Kidderminster for their showing. The only positive is that the Hammers did show some resilience to escape the worst result in WHU history. But this game made the lack of new WHU signings look even more shortsighted. Noble and Yarmolenko are ageing and Diop, Kral, Vlasic and Fredericks don't look good enough on this showing. Though with luck like this maybe we'll go on and win it now...

Failing to prepare

Maybe WHU should use the Boris defence: "We didn't know there was a transfer window and we didn't think it applied to us." There has to be something seriously wrong with the club's transfer policy if we can play a year with only one striker. It seems like we made a late bid to loan Jesse Lingard (never looked likely given United's stance) and made a £40m bid for Benfica's Darwin Nunez, but only on Sunday night. Ex-WHU Employee also claims we went after Duvan Zapata from Atalanta at 7pm yesterday, which was way too late. 

I can see the need for Moyes to be careful with signings given Pellegrini's record, but we've known in the summer and again in January that we need a back-up striker and are a man down in the squad with Ogbonna's injury — though maybe Alese or Baptiste can fill in. There's so much at stake here with a Europa League and FA Cup run still on and a tilt at the top four. But by not adding to the squad we're saying we're happy to be mid-table. If Antonio gets crocked then we are back to playing Bowen out of position or giving another chance to Perkins or Odubeko. Aston Villa, Everton, Newcastle, Spurs, Brighton, Palace and Burnley have all managed to sign players. We just have to hope that Moyes has some major signings lined up for the summer and that this inaction doesn't come back to haunt us.