If you eight West Ham…

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West Ham United 8 (eight) Macclesfield Town 0 (Carabao Cup)

For once it really was never in doubt. There’s a brass band paying Bubbles outside H block at the stadium, which is a nice touch and the atmosphere among the 24,833 crowd is actually livelier than at some sold-out league games. I’m joined by fellow diehard Fraser, who is wearing his lucky West Ham socks.

Young Grady Diangana is making his debut and fires into the side netting in the first minute. For 20 minutes the Hammers struggle a bit to break down the league’s bottom side, with Adrian having to make a good reaction save. While our injury curse continues with Sanchez going off after a kick on the ankle. The breakthrough comes as Rice recycles a corner to chip in a good cross for Antonio to nod home.

CAN WE PLAY YOU EVERY WEEK?
A tardy Matt arrives just after Antonio’s goal, but in time to witness Perez score with a good finish from Cresswell’s cross. The lively Diangana then fires in a shot that keeper O’Hara can only parry and Robert Snodgrass proves lethal from two inches to prod the ball over the line. Snoddy looks genuinely pleased to have broken his Hammers duck and runs to the crowd, getting a good reception. “Where were you when Snoddy scored?” I text to Nigel, caught up on the Liverpool to London train.

Three-nil up against the league’s bottom side without a win, what could possibly go wrong? Bizarrely, nothing. Ryan Fredericks fires in a great shot that goes through the keeper ti make it 4-0. Macclesfield really do look a poor side and aren’t even getting stuck in or fouling us. Ogbonna scores a fifth from a corner after more poor defending. We might make it to penalties now…

THEATRE OF EIGHT

Pellegrini proves he’s not scared of blooding youngsters by bringing on midfielders Conor Coventry (at half time) and Joe Powell. Still the Hammers pepper the Macclesfield goal. Snoddy scores his second after a neat give and go. Biggest cheer of the night comes when Grady Diangana plays a one-two with Perez and fires past O’Hara before running to the Bobby Moore Stand. In the 82nd minute fellow debutant Joe Powell plays Diangana in with a fine through ball and Grady finishes with confidence.

When did we last thrash a lower league team? Normally it’s a huge struggle against the likes of Accrington (won with a last minute Payet free kick a couple of seasons ago). Even Matt, who has just seen his biggest ever win, thinks the referee has had a good game, barring his lack of added time in the second half. Can we play Macclesfield every week? My texting finger is worn put after asking Nigel where he was when Perez, Fredericks and Diangana scored their first goals. And will Fraser have to smoke a cigar for every goal?

We retreat to Stratford and try the Black Bull, which is less packed than usual. It has a decent selection of Tribute, Coast to Coast and other ales and isn’t bad. We reminisce about how quickly games go when you are enjoying them and recall the ten-goal victory against Bury, the 8-1 against Newcastle (when Alvin Martin scored a hat-trick against three different keepers) and the more recent 6-0 against Brighton. It’s West Ham’s biggest win since 1983. Though against Man United we might have to settle for seven…

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 6; Fredericks 7, Diop 6, Ogbonna 7, Cresswell 7; Sanchez n/a (Rice 7), Snodgrass 8, Obiang 6 (Coventry 6), Diangana 8; Perez 7, Antonio 7 (Powell 7).