Shambolic Hammers leave Bilic on the brink

Brighton fans outnumber the home fans by the end…

West Ham 0 Brighton 3

It’s into the Clyde Best Café to meet Matt. Lisa and Steve the Cornish postie, who is still recovering from travelling on the packed Central Line where they don't allow you to carry a surfboard. Then it’s Matt’s short-cut via the dodgy estate and down the Shouting Tunnel to the ground.

Inside the stadium we meet Michael, who is ecstatic to have one of his photos included in the programme — which is as good as his evening gets. Nigel’s on the train back from Edinburgh, while Fraser’s lost his season ticket so is watching in the pub. We wonder if Fraser’s subconscious has forced the left side of his brain to stash the season ticket under the floorboards in a bid to avoid further psychological damage. Alison’s spending more time with her portfolio, so completing our party are Scott and Molly, who is making her West Ham debut. What could possibly go wrong?

DEFENSIVE SHAMBLES 

The atmosphere is good with a noisy crowd under the lights, but Brighton take the lead when Obiang gives away a free kick after just ten minutes. A straight forward punt into the box is headed in by Glenn Murray as Obiang loses his marker and Reid can’t get across.

West Ham then have a decent spell of attacking but endless crosses are deflected by Dunk and Duffy. Arnautovic seems curiously reluctant to shoot and little comes off for him, while our best hope is Antonio, who has the beating of his man, but then goes down with injury and doesn’t look fit after that. Obiang has a ’mare in midfield while Kouyate is anonymous. Our best effort is a Lanzini shot deflected over.

Close to the break Hart produces a brilliant save to deny Murray. Only the defence fails to keep concentrating as Izquierdo-Mana fires a long-range shot into the top corner. Hart gets a hand to it and should probably save it. The crowd have kept with West Ham up to this point, but the team go off to half-time boos. Nurse, the screens. Symbolically, the big screens have stopped working too.

CAN WE PLAY YOU EVERY WEEK?

Ayew comes on for Kouyate at the break but it makes little difference. Strangely there’s no Martinez on the bench when we need goals. Zabalata at least looks committed and wins the ball back to stand up a great cross for Andy Carroll, except he’s not playing. The game is over though when Brighton break at speed and Zabaleta brings down Murray for a penalty. Murray puts it down the middle and scores.

“Can we play you every week?” chant the delirious Brighton fans, celebrating heir first ever away win in the Premier League. Followed by, “you’re getting sacked in the morning!”

"At least you'll be able to say you were at Bilic's last game," texts Nigel.

Slaven is a lonely figure on the touchline as the game plays out and the stadium empties. “We can beat the rush by staying until the end,” quips Michael. Perhaps Fraser could lose our tickets too. The admirably-named Bong is having a fine game at left-back for Brighton. Hughton is clearly getting the best out of his players, while Slaven is not.

We’ve actually had 65 per cent of possession without doing anything with it or creating a real chance. Lanzini’s tame shot on target gets ironic cheers. It’s been a shambolic performance. The team look tired and so does Bilic. We all like him as a man, but he could be gone after this and if West Ham lose to Spurs and Palace it looks inevitable. Something’s not working. Perhaps a new manager could take a fresh look at this squad and restore some organisation and belief.

WHAT FUTURE NOW FOR BILIC? 

Still, it’s not as if anyone has to get on an all-night train to Cornwall and then deliver the post at 7am — apart from Steve that is. While we wait for Storm Brian to batter us further. ("He's not a storm, he's a very naughty boy!") We drift away among a crowd of dispirited, muttering West Ham asylum seekers, finally making the Refreshment Room.

“Zaza is top scorer for Valencia,” muses Matt.

“We should never have returned Jonathan Calleri,” I quip.

On the TV Bilic is being interviewed on Sportsday. Only rather like in the series W1A, the subtitles go haywire, with Slaven apparently talking about yellow macs and the abolition of West Ham.

We haven’t played well for a whole game all season and we’re nine games into the league. As the Stranglers once sang, Something Better Change. The board have some big decisions to make.

PLAYER RATINGS: Hart 5, Zabaleta 5, Reid 5, Fonte 5, Masuaku 4; Antonio 5, Kouyate 4 (Ayew 4), Obiang 3, Lanzini 5, Arnautovic 3 (Fernandes 5); Hernandez 4.