The London Stadium is sweltering as Paolo Di Canio comes on to the pitch to lead the crowd in his version of Bubbles. Nigel is away scouting in France and Michael is on a secret mission who knows where, which means Matt, Lisa, Fraser and myself are joined by The Gav and Big Sam, fresh from relegating Leeds.
Matt and Lisa have already seen West Ham Under-18s beat Celtic 5-0 on Friday night and West Ham Under-21s win 5-2 in the morning. So they're taking it easy with just three game this weekend. Matt and myself are wearing our Prague t-shirts while Big Sam models his limited edition white and orange Europa Conference Final replica shirt.
It looks ominous in the sixth minute after a City corner, when Areola has to save Rodri's header, then block Foden's effort, watch as Soucek hooks a Haaland effort off the line and then make a great tip over from Diaz's effort. All that's missing is the Who singing Pinball Wizard. Haaland then strokes a gilt-edged chance wide of the post. City also seem to be getting lots of decisions. "Grealish isn't even playing and he's already gone down three times," quips Matt.
But slowly West Ham come into the game. Bowen whips in a corner that Soucek flicks on, and Aguerd just fails to get on the end of it. "Come on you Irons!" booms a positive home crowd. Emerson sets up Ward-Prowse for a low shot at Ederson.
KING JAMES
Astonishingly West Ham take the lead after 36 minutes. Bowen gets possession after poor control from Doku and cleverly sends Coufal down the right. The full back plays in a great cross for thew un-tracked Ward-Prowse to head home. That's two goals and three assists for JWP in five games - and he's not even had a free-kick to take yet. "Champions of Europe - we know what we are!" chants the crowd.
There's another scare before half-time as Doku gets in an inviting cross but Haaland allows Aguerd to clear his scuffed effort off the line. With Haaland misfiring and Areola inspired we're dreaming of another low-possession victory at half-time.
But 43 seconds into the second half City score. Doku, who, looks a future star, isolates Coufal, cuts inside and makes the finish look easy. Alvarez hits the post with a superb free-kick and then Areola has to make another fine save from a flying Haaland volley.
But the Irons show some character to still create chances. A brilliant through ball from Paqueta releases Antonio, but Michail's touch is too heavy and allows Ederson to block. Emerson almost gets through and his deflected shot wins a corner. Ward-Prowse whips it in and Ederson makes an excellent one-handed save from Zouma's towering header.
NO SILVA LINING
But it's very difficult to defend perfectly for 90 mins against the Champions-elect. The game is effectively over after 76 minutes when Alvarez scoops the ball over the defence, Aguerd mis-times his jump and Bernardo Silva nips in behind him to lob over Areola.
Areola has to make another great save from Haaland's volley after a Walker cross. Benrahma and Kudus are on, but don't have a great deal of impact. Gavin claims an assist for City's third, saying that Haaland seems to be having an off-day. West Ham's press doesn't work, City break on the left and Haaland whacks the resulting cross into the bottom corner.
At least we gave them a game. We escape the heat by retiring to the Eagle at Leyton. The chilled East London Pale Ale is refreshing and we enjoy some good music banter over Tayto crisps, covering Peter Perrett, Bernie Taupin, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Julian Cope and stone circles, Reg Presley and Joe Henry, plus the time Matt hid under the table with James Brown as skinheads battled the Redskins.
Ten points from five games is not a bad return and City are going to turn over a lot of teams. Liverpool away isn't likely to yield many points either, but let's now enjoy the visit of mighty Bakola Topola (even Matt hasn't heard of them) on Thursday.
PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 8; Coufal 5, Zouma 7, Aguerd 6, Emerson 7; Paqueta 7, Soucek 6 (Ings n/a), Alvarez 6 (Benrahma 5), Ward-Prowse 7, Bowen 6, Antonio 6 (Kudus 5).
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