It's just like watching West Ham (in the sixties)

West Ham 5 Burnley 3

Matt reveals his conspiracy theory, as we sit in the unusually busy Ken’s Cafe. Upson and Behrami are going to be sold as they are both apparently injured for today’s match. Although that presumably means Ashton and Boa Morte are on their way to Man City too and that JFK was shot by Ronnie Boyce from the halfway line…

It’s catching. Mike claims that Robert Green is definitely going and we’ve signed a replacement. While North Bank Norman’s old mate Matt says he’s seen David Gold’s motor in the car park with the subtle number plate of “GOLD 1” and that he and David Sullivan must be preparing a bid.

And this one is really unlikely. Nigel says there’s no sleep til Hammersmith as he’s going to see Motorhead, the Damned and Girlschool later. He gets his fry-up at 2.50pm, Gav helps with the chips and it’s a late dash to the match.

Noble is injured and on the bench, Kovac and Stanislas come in to midfield and Gabbidon replaces Upson. This is one game we have to win, against notoriously poor travellers.

Burnley start quite well, knocking the ball about confidently, and Carlisle has an early header cleared off the line by Parker. Collison crosses and Franco hits the bar with a great header, and then has another header into the roof of the netting.

Parker is fouled and plays a quick free kick into the path of Collison, who is onside, and strolling through deserted Clarets’ rearguard. Jack coolly slots home. One-nil in our cup final.

“Just as long as we don’t get a second we’ll be fine,” I tell the lads, “and as long they don’t go down to ten men.”

It gets better. Franco, now looking a great signing, controls the ball fairly, despite Burnley claims for handball, and plays in Stanislas who shoots at Jensen’s legs. But he still has time to gather the rebound and shoot past the corpulent custodian. There’s hysteria in the East Stand and the bloke behind me falls over his seat into our row, such is the excitement. Burnley’s defence is starting to look leakier than a nautical craft imagined by Edward Lear.

“We could get a hatful here!” I exclaim and am instantly told to shut up by a mortified Nigel. Kovac plays a great ball through to Spector and the marauding full back races into the area, turns inside and is felled for a clear penalty. Carlton Cole recovers from an injury a few minutes previously to stroke home the penalty.

“Remember Wimbledon and West Brom?” counsels Matt. Although it has to be said a clean sheet at half-time has even a seasoned Hammers watcher doubting our ability to blow this one.

CQ sends Nigel a text saying “stay pessimistic”. But it’s hard, because we score a forth after the break. Stanislas takes a free kick from the right and Franco heads home, running to the Bobby Moore Stand exclaiming Scottish epithets (well the programme has revealed his Scottish ancestry).

Zola then makes a bizarre substitution, taking off Franco and bringing on Jiminez, leaving us devoid of a focus up front for the final 30 minutes. It seems to pay off when Jiminez is brought down by Jensen and the Chilean himself knocks in our second penalty. 5-0 in our cup final! “You’re just a small team from Blackburn!” chants the Bobby Moore Stand.

What spin will Alistair Campbell put on this? Will we get nine like Spurs? As if to punish us for thinking such things, Eagles starts to roast Spector on the left, and crosses for Fletcher to sneak past a statuesque defence to tap home.

Nigel suggests that Charlton once lost a five goal lead in the 1950s.

“We’re going to win 6-5!” chant the Burnley fans. We stop running. Eagles crosses from the left again and Fletcher nips behind Da Costa to score again, as Green stamps his feet in frustration.

We’ve grown bored of throwing two goal leads away and are now trying to lose a five goal lead. Hines can’t hold the ball up alone up front and we’re showing an utter lack of professionalism. Are the lads, like Nigel, distracted by the prospect of watching middle-aged rock chicks Girlschool later tonight?

A free kick from Eagles then clips Green’s post. “We need to take it in the corners,” I suggest, no longer joking. “Blow your bloody whistle ref. It’s worse than the Cup Final…”

In a rare attack substitute Faubert finds Hines who outspeeds the ponderous Caldwell. The defender hauls him back and is red carded. Oh no, now we’re playing ten men… definitely lost it now.

It's a relief that Caldwell's dismissal wastes some time. Stanislas blasts the resulting free kick into the wall. Deep into added time Tyrone Mears crosses for Eagles to score a third. Unbelievable.

The whistle blows and we’ve somehow managed to make the fans feel bad after scoring five goals at home. Jeremy Nicholas plays Twist and Shout but we feel more in need of a pacemaker.

“It was just like watching Ron Greenwood’s side in the sixties,” says Fraser as we walk to the Central. “I saw a 5-5 draw once.”

We’ll take the points, but this season we’ve less chance of keeping a clean sheet than Russell Brand and Katy Perry. On the positive front Parker had a fantastic game and Franco scored again, while we’re scoring (and conceding) from every position. At least we can’t complain about the entertainment value… but best not to think what Rooney might do to our defence next week.

Dyer predictions

"Dyer ready for West Ham comeback," reads the headline on BBCsport.com. Read that before somewhere, but at least he scored twice against Stoke for the reserves. Let's hope that after 17 months out and then a dodgy hamstring this really is his big return... He's made just four starts for WHU and signing Danny Dyer might have been a better use of our £6 million as at least we'd have got to meet some tasty geezers and Ross Kemp. Still, someone who could keep hold of the ball when we go 2-0 up would certainly be useful.

Two-nil and we f***ed it up... (again)

Hull City 3 West Ham 3

We’re at the British Museum’s Moctezuma exhibition looking at receptacles for human hearts as Matt’s text arrives. “3-3. We were 2-0 up in ten minutes, 3-2 down at half-time and they had a man sent off. Another shocker.” So nothing much happened at the KC Stadium then.

I text back remarking that perhaps we need more human sacrifices at Upton Park. Matt suggests that Dyer and Deano aren’t doing much… although they’d probably miss the sacrificial ceremony through injury. Still, it’s an away point and we’re out of the bottom three.

The evidence on Match of the Day shows that we start brilliantly. Stanislas and Franco play a nice one-two resulting in Cole shooting against the keeper. From the resulting corner Franco heads home unchallenged. Then Franco, who’s starting to look like a decent signing, plays a great reverse ball though for Collison to head over the stranded Duke. Jack does a Lampard-style goal celebration, pointing to the sky in memory of his dad.

Then, as at Sunderland, we mess up a two-goal lead, Da Costa conceding yet another free kick on the edge of the box. Jimmy Bullard hits it hard; it strikes first Parker and then Cole and loops over the helpless Green. A fluke, but Bullard, the Dickensian-looking urchin of a player we gave away to Peterborough, made it happen and is dominating midfield for Hull. (Saw him train once at Chadwell Heath and thought he stood out, even in the Di Canio era.)

The returning Danny Gabbidon looks exposed at left back. Just before the break Hunt crosses and Zayatte gets goalside of Da Costa to volley home. Even worse, the referee gives Hull a penalty as Fagan backs into Faubert and goes down like he’s had his pocket picked. Poor Gustave Faubert hasn’t touched him, although it’s all part of his sentimental education. Inevitably, the irrepressible Bullard fires home the penalty.

In the second half we rally as Mendy is sent off for hauling down the marauding Parker, who’s clean through on goal. On 68 minutes Da Costa fires home after Upson knocks on a WHU corner. Both sides then have chances to win it. Vennegoor of Hesselink has a good penalty shout after Upson climbs over him. While sub Jiminez fires into the side netting when he should have scored and Stanislas sends a late free header over the bar.

Can’t argue with the entertainment, just our defending. Like Moctezuma we seem to be giving up to invading forces without a fight. Steve Clarke needs to get back to basics, get Ilunga fit and find a right-back. A good away point, but it could have been so much more.

We're solvent and we know we are?

Interesting piece in today's Daily Telegraph by Jason Burt claiming that things might not be as bad as we thought financially.

He claims that that things are improving at Icelandic bank Straumur (our main creditor) post-credit crunch and that the club has had three interested suitors. These are David Sullivan and David Gold (obviously quite keen to judge by leaks to the tabloids threatening to buy Charlton instead if they don't get us cheap), US consortium Intermarket and Malaysian entrepreneur Tony Fernandes, the founder of Air Asia.

Burt also claims that the debt is easy to service on a £90 million turnover and with the improvement in Straumur's fortunes we will not be forced to sell players like Cole and Green in January. Let's hope he's right.

Perry good

So this is how we'll clear our debts… Nice to see the club website is selling replicas of Katy Perry's saucy MTV awards WHU costume for a mere £300 each. Sure prospective new owner David Sullivan could expand on this range…

There's only one Deano

So it looks like Dean Ashton is being forced into retirement. He leaves us with many fine memories, his FA Cup Final goal, the brace at Man City, a great overhead kick against Man United, a turn and shimmy to score against Blackburn and a fine brace against Wigan. The finest striker ever to dine out on Domino's pizza. How different recent seasons might have been with a fit Deano. Pards would have been in a job for a start, we wouldn't have nearly gone down, and we might even have made the Europa League. And imagine the rejuvenated Carlton Cole and a fit Ashton together… At least the insurance money and anything we can sue England for might help pay off a little of our debts. Deano we salute you and good luck in your new career.

Mersey beat

West Ham 1 Everton 2

Strangely they’re no cocktails on offer in Ken’s Café. Several of our Irons contingent have been out late on Saturday night to the London Cocktail Club celebrating my birthday, somewhat belatedly since it was back in August. And maybe I shouldn’t have had those final two martinis…

But Gavin came up with a signed picture of Tevez and Mascherano and my other presents included Brian Belton’s Black Hammers, a book of Steve Bacon photos and a Hammers duck for the bath.

We discuss the News of the World’s story about John Terry’s dad. Will we insult his mum or dad when we play Chelsea? And we agree that Everton are our bogey team as we never seem to beat them. They might have injuries, but their starting X1 still appears strong/.

In the first half neither team plays well. Faubert has a couple of dangerous crosses. Parker creates a half-chance. Everton score with their only chance, when Cahill lays the ball off for Saha to score with a minimum of backlift. That’s five in three games against us.

At least Da Costa is looking OK. Franco and Hines aren’t getting much change from the excellent Yobo and Distin though and we miss Carlton. It’s too much for the vicar’s son next to me. “Take a proper corner! Don’t try to thread it through the eye of a needle! That’s s**t!”

“This is no way to commemorate Remembrance Day, we’re defending more like the Maginot line,” suggests Matt. At half-time I thank Fraser for the bottle of whisky he gave and suggest it might be needed later tonight.“Why didn’t you give him the pearl-handled revolver as well, to make it the full West Ham supporters kit?” suggests Matt. We await a half time appearance from Kate Perry, but instead have to be content with a tiny Vera Lynn impersonator singing “We’ll Score Again…”

Zola brings on Stanislas for Collison and puts Hines in a wider position for the second half, and eventually brings on Diamanti. But Everton double their lead with their second shot, Gosling profiting from a scramble on the edge of the box, shooting at Green but then netting the rebound. The loyal home crowd immediately burst into a chorus of Bubbles.

But a minute later Diamanti plays a beautiful through ball to Stanislas who lobs the keeper. The ball heads for the line and Hibbert can only kick the ball into the roof of his own net.

We have a good final half hour. Everton sub Lucas Neill is serenaded with “There’s only one fat Greedy bastard!” Diamanti has another great free kick well saved. Franco has a good goal disallowed for offside.

Hines is through one-on-one but pokes his effort wide of the post. A Diamanti through ball create another half-chance for Hines but he gets his angles wrong again. It will do Hines good in the long term to experience the ups and downs of the game, although this afternoon his misses have cost us a draw, even if he is getting in the right positions.

The man from Diamanti gets a bit selfish with two shots late on, but you still wonder why he’s not starting in the team because he’s the only player who can cross or take a set piece and makes things happen.

Everton hold on and we’re back in the bottom three. Maybe we should sign Harry Redknapp’s Missus. There’s a minor incident in the Central afterwards when Matt asks for a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, and is nearly shaken firmly by the neck.

On the district line I ponder the fixtures and think things will improve. From Boxing Day we have home games against Portsmouth, Wolves, Blackburn, Birmingham, Hull, Bolton, Stoke, Sunderland, and Wigan. If we pick our best team then surely we can win most of those? Can’t we?