The day begins with another Guardian article from Jacob Steinberg reading, "West Ham are a shambles - and Nuno shows little sign of being able to fix it." These are desperate times and as Nigel's lucky banana isn't working I take my lucky daughter, Nell, now a 24-year-old with an MA who as a seven-year-old predicted we might one day win Infinity-nil. We're joined by Nigel and CQ plus Michael the Whovian, with Matt, Lisa and Big Sam unavailable for selection.
Nuno has at least picked a sensible side with the full backs not inverted and Potts and Fernandes in central midfield instead of Irving and Soucek. The first four minutes seem to sum up our season as some nice passing between Diouf and Paqueta releases Summerville to drive at the Toon defence. His pass finds Bowen who thumps his shot against the inside of the post. From the rebound Newcastle break and with Kilman upfield Diouf is turned inside out by Murphy who scores 26 seconds later with a fine shot across Areola.
Surely things can't get any worse. Our season is going the way of Lily Allen's marriage and Andrew Mountbatten Windsor's career prospects. "They've made us angry now," I tell Nell, fearing another capitulation. Yet the Hammers stick at it. Wan-Bissaka wins a sliding tackle, plays a give and go with Jarrod Bowen, who is bought down in the box for a penalty. Only VAR intervenes to rule that Thiaw got a toe to the ball first. Next Summerville wins a free kick. Paqueta puts it under the wall and Pope makes a fine save to tip the ball on to the post. From the corner Max Kilman has a header tipped over by Pope.
The crowd stick with the Irons sensing that there is something different about this side. Young Freddie Potts is snapping into tackles and playing sensibly in front of the defence while Fernandes and Paqueta are working really hard with the side getting the ball forward much quicker. We even appear able to defend corners.
Redemption arrives after 35 minutes. Pope punches a cross clear, Fernandes passes it short to Paqueta and Lucas fires a well-placed left-foot shot into the bottom corner, celebrating with an arm pointed to the great VAR God above.
Areola makes a fine low save to deny Gordon and we fear that West Ham will yet again concede just before the break. But instead Fernandes cleverly chips over three players to release Wan-Bissaka who charges down the right and crosses. Botman sticks out a leg and diverts home for an own goal. That's the piece of luck we needed.
HE'S ONE OF OUR OWN
At half-time Michael rashly predicts a 4-2 home win as we enjoy the pleasant if worrying sensation of being ahead and discuss Steve Potts' one goal for West Ham in a 7-1 win over Hull City.
The Irons mount some promising attacks as Wilson goes off for Soucek after 61 minutes, with Tomas playing as an emergency striker. Kilman has another header tipped over by Pope. After that corner a series of crosses come in and Potts seems to have poked in the third, though sodding VAR intervenes again and Soucek is ruled offside by a toe.
What a moment that would have been for 22-year-old Freddie and dad Steve, sitting on the West Ham bench. "Freddie Potts, he's one of our own!" chant the home fans. It's no coincidence that Kilman and Todibo have looked much better with a defensive shield in front of them.
For all the criticism of the London Stadium, spontaneous choruses of I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles start to ring round the bowl and it's really quite noisy. Finally the fans have something to get behind.
Michael starts to get worried as Walker-Peters replaces Summerville, and the Hammers sit back. But it's not until the 89th minute that the Toon have an effort on target with Osula's header easily saved by Areola. "Five minutes and we're almost there!" suggests Nigel in added time, having just seen the Stranglers at the Roundhouse.
SMELLS LIKE TEAM SPIRIT
We're in the 97th minute when Kilman wins a massive header. It falls to Bowen who plays a give and go with Paqueta. Jarrod shoots low through the legs of Pope and bouncing Czech Tomas Soucek is on hand to prod the ball over the line. VAR tries to intervene but eventually it's allowed and Nuno is embracing his staff before leading the team on a victory lap of the stadium. VE Day must have felt a bit like like this. It's West Ham's best home performance for two years and this has looked much more like the solid counter-attacking team Nuno had at Forest. For once everyone in the side has played well - a real team performance. If it hadn't been for the post and VAR the score might have been infinity-one.
It's West Ham's first home victory since beating Leicester on February 27. We're not sure how to celebrate a victory but opt for a trip to the Eagle for Guinness, Peroni, Jameson whisky and Spitfire. BBC Sport has the very unusual words "impressive West Ham" in its match headline. After that there's the shock of Michael Carrick and Robert Green being nice about us on Match of the Day. This victory is a step forward though we now have to follow it up by getting a result against Burnley. But for the first time in ages WHU looked like a team. Irons!
PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Wan-Bissaka 8, Kilman 8, Todibo 7, Diouf 7; Potts 8, Fernandes 8 (Igor n/a), Paqueta 8; Summerville 7 (Walker-Peters 7), Wilson 7 (Soucek 7), Bowen 8.
