Dire Hammers stung by Bees

West Ham 0 Brentford 2

The only fireworks on display are in the pre-match entertainment. Lisa and Matt have been to Germany to see Dortmund's yellow wall, while our claret and blue wall is peppered with white thanks to the fans' boycott. Nigel, Michael and Big Sam, up from Wales, make up our number.

Nuno's selection is very strange. Wan-Bissaka and Diouf are dropped for Walker-Peters and Scarles, who are weirdly played on their wrong sides with Scarles on the right and Wan-Bissaka on the left. Todibo is in and the Greek Bloke is out, Magassa is dropped having payed in the last two games and the central midfield is the strange and slow pairing of Andy Irving, making his home debut after 780 days, and Tomas Soucek. Nuno plays Bowen as a striker, with Paqueta interchanging, negating our best force on the right and leaves Wilson on the bench. OK, some players may be tired after international duty and Nuno wants to look at all his players, but it's like he's playing an experimental pre-season match rather than a must-win game.

West Ham start brightly winning a series of corners and with Summerville making some threatening runs. Portobello Pirlo Andy Irving looks quite dangerous with his dead ball delivery. But soon West Ham are getting bullied in midfield as Thiago starts to threaten and Brentford dominate. A throw in is flicked on and Thiago shoots against the bar. Brentford win numerous corners and Areola has to claw away Damsgaard's header. Matt suggests that if we are willing Schade to miss it might be a case of Schade-fruede.

Yet again the Hammers concede just before the break. After a ball over the top Kilman misses his clearance and Schade finds Thiago, whose shot spins off Areola's hand and over the line in slow motion. Bowen at least has a low snapshot saved by Kelleher. Big Brentford striker Thiago seems to net a second in added time, though luckily VAR rules him just offside.

"The world outside is bad enough without the football being like this," laments Michael. Nigel eats his lucky banana more in hope than expectation at half-time. 

Nuno brings on AWB, Diouf and the Greek Bloke at half-time in an admission that he's got the defence wrong. Soon after the restart Schade heads against the bar. Wan-Bissaka does make a bit if a difference on the right and we look better with our natural full-backs. But the only real chance is when Summerville sets up Bowen for a skied shot.

WIN OR LOSE ON THE BOOS

Nuno ignores Callum Wilson for some reason and brings on the raw Callum Marshall who runs around a lot but gets little change out of the giant centre backs. The arrival of Guido Rodriguez for Soucek is greeted with boos, which you don't like to hear, though it does seem bizarre when Magassa and Potts are on the bench.

Thiago and Lewis-Potter go close. Todibo completely misses a tackle and has had another worrying game. West Ham are down to ten men when the Greek Bloke pulls a muscle and waits an age for the Noddy Car to arrive.

The coup de grace comes in added time as Lewis-Potter capitalises on some poor defending from Diouf and crosses for Jensen to score. This is the first time in West Ham's history the club has lost the first four home games of the season. It's been less of a new manager bounce and more of a new manager splodge.

Walking to Ye Olde Black Bull we search for positives. "We didn't concede from a set-piece," suggests Big Sam. "And we have a 100 per cent record in London derbies," I add.

In the Black Bull over Brixton Pale we wonder how Michael the Thespian will review this Samuel Beckett-like performance at the London Stadium. Lisa mentions Krapp's Last Tape and Happy Days, where Winnie is buried in a hole in the ground up to her waist and then her neck. So nothing like West Ham.

This really feels like we're going down and Leeds away is coming up on Friday. Nuno Espirito Santo really needs to ask his holy spirit for help. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Scarles 4 (Diouf 4), Kilman 4, Todibo 3, Walker-Peters 4 (Wan-Bissaka 6); Soucek 5 (Rodriguez 4), Irving 4 (Marshall 4), Paqueta 5, Fernandes 4 (Mavropanos 5), Summerville 6; Bowen 5.

Nuno: not your typical gaffer

Reading up on Nuno Espirito Santo it's clear he's not your typical gaffer. We've not had too many horsemen at West Ham, apart from the odd visit from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse during relegation seasons. But Nuno has a great love of horses and likes to ride in the morning before going to training, as you do. Well, it beats Big Sam's Ford Fiesta. You'd expect a bloke whose name translates as "Holy Spirit" to be a bit different. The gaffer also likes padel, a racquet game that is a hybrid of tennis and squash and plays a percussion instrument called a handpan.

Nuno grew up on the island nation of Sao Tome and Principe, off the west coast of central Africa and seems to have quite a cultural hinterland. Whereas Graham Potter could at times sound a little David Brent-ish, Nuno looks and sounds more like the leader of some obscure religious cult. Henry Winter describes him as "soulful". 

As a player Nuno was a goalkeeper, itself unusual for a manager. He was signed by Jose Mourinho at Porto where he won the Champions League and several league titles, which should generate some respect in the dressing room. 

ZEN AND THE ART OF MIDFIELD MAINTENANCE

He's been around a bit, managing at Valencia and Porto before a very successful spell at Wolves where he won the Championship and steered them to seventh place in the PL. He wasn't really given a chance at Spurs but then won the Saudi Pro League and steered Forest away from trouble and into Europe, being in the top four for most of last season. Fans of the Tricky Trees are certainly missing him to judge by their reaction to Big Ange.

Nuno clearly has something about him. His former winger Anthony Elanga told the Athletic: “He is chilled, but quite demanding at the same time." So far he's tightened up the defence a little and made a point of giving young Freddie Potts and Callum Marshall some minutes - playing home-grown kids always goes down well with Hammers' fans. He is used to working with difficult chairmen after his experience with Marinakas at Forest. So hopefully Nuno will be able to cope with David Sullivan, who now seems set to have a bigger say in transfers. Nuno will need all his Zen-like qualities to cope with all the churn and dysfunction at West Ham. Let's hope he succeeds.

Two-nil to the Arsenal

Arsenal 2 West Ham 0

I'm undercover for this one thanks to my Gooner pal. We're on the halfway line with a fine view and genteel crowd, including Robert Peston and behind me a Gunner who saw his first Arsenal game in 1948.

Wan-Bissaka is back in the side, but feeling his way back is not the force he was in this fixture last season. West Ham win a corner in the first minute, which Fullkrug, under pressure, heads over, and that's about it attack wise. Arsenal sweep forward and Timber forces a good low save from Areola. A goalmouth scramble sees Eze shoot over when he should score.

Odegaard makes PL history by going off after 30 mins for the third game in a row after a clash of knees with Summerville. But it's a sign of Arsenal's strength in depth that he's replaced by the £60m Zubimendi.

The breakthrough comes after 38 minutes as Zubimendi's fine through ball sees Eze force a  save from Areola but Declan Rice strike home the rebound. At least Declan doesn't celebrate. "Declan Rice, we got him half price!" chant the Gunners' fans. It's nearly two just before the break as Calafiori's shot rebounds off a post on to Areola's back and is scrambled away.

To be slightly positive West Ham work hard and do keep their shape against the possible champions. The Greek Bloke wins a lot in the air and has a decent game against Gyokeres, while Kilman also does well. We even manage to defend corners reasonably well. The away fans amuse themselves with a chant of "Who's the wanker with the drum?"

But it's still all one-way. Zubimendi chips over the defence and Diouf shows his inexperience by letting Timber get behind him. He brings down Timber on the edge of the box and the ref gives a penalty. Saka makes it 2-0. "You're going down!" chant the home fans.

Fernandes is busy at times and Nuno shows bravery by taking off Magassa and Fullkrug for youngsters Potts and Marshall. Both are energetic but powerless as Arsenal play out a routine win. Very late on Bowen wins a corner and Marshall gets above Saliba only to head over.

Oh well, it was only two-nil and Arsenal habec spent £240m plus on Zubimendi, Eze, Madueke and Gyokeres. This was never a game West Ham were likely to get much from but Nuno will have learned more about his team and at least the discipline and shape looked a bit better against a top side. Let's see what he can do in the two weeks before Brentford.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 5; Kilman 6, Mavropanos 6, Diouf 5; Bowen 5, Paqueta 6, Magassa 5 (Potts 5), Fernandes 6, Summerville 6; Fullkrug 5 (Marshall 5).