Statement win for Hammers with cast-iron(ish) penalty

West Ham 2 Manchester United 1

Arriving at the London Stadium I'm greeted by the incredible news from Michael the Whovian that a disco version of the Doctor Who theme has been played on the PA before kick-off. Even more surprisingly Matt, Lisa, Michael and Big Sam have been served quickly and efficiently in the Best Cafe. DC is absent we learn, taking in the Leaning Tower of Pisa, a structure built on dodgy foundations, so nothing at all like being at West Ham.

Loppy has dropped Areola, Todibo and Soucek, while Kudus is suspended. The game kicks off with the sun in our eyes and Man United dominating. In the second minute Garnacho hits the bar. Fabianski has to block a shot from Hojlund and Fernandes head a good chance over. A simple ball over the top from Fernandes sees Dalot round Fabianski and then shoot over an open goal to much derision from the home fans. Alvarez back-heads a United corner against his own bar. Fabianski has to make a great one-handed save to keep out Casemiros's header.

Antonio has worked hard and Wan-Bissaka has at times threatened going forward, but it's been a very poor half from West Ham and United could be three or four up. Soler looks lost on the left wing, Paqueta has been peripheral and the Irons haven't got stuck into United at all.  

At half time we agree that there are two ways of looking at it; if we've ridden our luck so much we could go and win it, or that it's inevitable the pressure will eventually tell. Lopetegui takes decisive action at the break, taking off Mavropanos, Paqueta and Soler for Todibo, Soucek and Summerville. He might even have thrown some teacups.

West Ham start with much greater intensity as Bowen and Wan-Bissaka cause problems on the right and Soucek gives us a greater physical presence.. On the left wing Jimmy Summerville's speed is a welcome outlet and he plays in several inviting crosses. Emerson can\t quite get on the end of Antonio's cross. Antonio curls a shot just wide and the crowd start to get behind the Irons. Danny Ings comes on for Antonio.

VAR WE LOVE YOU

Incredibly WHU take the lead on 74 minutes. Bowen crosses from the right, Ings scuffs his shot and Summerville has made up a lot of ground to stroke home at the back post as the Bobby Moore Stand erupts. That will give Crysencio some confidence. 

Only then West Ham sit back and seven minutes later United win three headers in the box and Casemiro equalises. To their credit Lopetegui's men go for a winner. In the final minute the ball is lofted into the box and Ings goes down after a challenge from De Ligt. The ref plays on but a minute later there's a VAR check. Referee Coote awards a penalty after going to the monitor, even though it looks more like Ings has run into the big Dutchman. The United players go mental for a minute or so surrounding the ref. Thankfully Jarrod Bowen keeps cool after the long stoppage to stroke home a fine penalty. 

There's a tremendously nervy 14 minutes of added time as Todibo does well at the back, Emerson fires at Onana and eventually West Ham hold on for three points. There's something very satisfying about nicking a game after being outplayed in the first half and getting a late dodgy penalty.

Nigel and Sam take a detour on the way to the Eagle to buy a half and half scarf. The cover story is it's for Big Sam's stepdad, though we suspect it's actually for Nigel, as he's always wanted a West Ham/Man United half and half scarf. 

"These London derbies are always difficult," suggests Nigel. We agree that United's fans in Guildford and Woking will be gutted. Perhaps MUFC will turn to David Moyes to try and keep them up.

In the Eagle Sinead has Greene King IPA in the fridge as Matt reminisces about their greatest trips to Rochdale and the fact it's the only ground where he's seen a fox on the pitch - apart from at Leicester, of course. We agree that United just couldn't handle Danny Ings and get another round in. While Michael enjoys so much added drinking time it could be David Coote is officiating in the Eagle. Will this result kick-start our season? Hopefully so. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 8; Wan-Bissaka 7, Mavropanos 6 (Todibo 7), Kilman 6, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 6 (Cresswell n/a), Alvarez 6, Paqueta 5 (Soucek 6), Soler 4 (Summerville 8); Bowen 8, Antonio 7 (Ings 7). 

Plaistow meets the chattering classes

It's not often the Black Lion gets a mention on Radio 4's Today programme. But this morning Sir Geoff Hurst, discussing his new book, Last Boy of '66, recalled that the West Ham players used to go to the Black Lion at Plaistow after games at the Boleyn, which he said you can't imagine modern players doing. Though perhaps that might be an idea for Lopetegui to consider as a means of boosting team spirit(s).

Lopetegui not in danger - yet

Jacob Steinberg in the Guardian reports that there is no imminent danger of the sack for Julen Lopetegui despite West Ham's poor start. It would indeed be silly to appoint a manager to oversee a new style, sign ten players, and then sack him after eight league games. But if he fails to get any results in the next four games against Man United, Notts Forest, Everton and Newcastle then he really could be in trouble, having spent £150 million on new players.

Much of the manager's role is to be a conduit to the supporters and Loppy's demeanour after the Spurs game was worrying. Moyes would have given the players his Glasgow death stare after that result and Kudus' self-indulgent red card, but Lopetegui seemed a little too laid back. You'd hope that in the dressing room he was a lot more demonstrative.

The manager has some big decisions to make, most notably over Lucas Paqueta. It's only natural that the prospect of a career-ending ban has affected his form. Lucas might be better used off the bench until the issue is resolved and Soler given a chance to become the team's creative hub.

Lopetegui has his expensive new defence together, but the unit of Wan-Bissaka, Kilman, Todibo and Emerson clearly needs work on the training ground because we're looking as leaky as last season. Might there be a case for bringing in Mavropanos and going with five at the back? Areola has let in soft goals in the last two games but is usually a fine keeper (witness that save from Delap) so deserves persevering with for now.

The gaffer needs to get Alvarez back in midfield and decide if he wants to play him with Rodriguez or not. To my mind they look too similar to each other, while the decision to loan out Ward-Prowse (who never gets injured) has deprived the side of guaranteed goals from corners. 

Lopetegui has been unlucky with the injury to Niclas Fullkrug and his return would certainly give everyone a boost, as 34-year-old Antonio is more of an impact sub these days. The suspension of Kudus means Summerville must get a chance. He was the star of the Championship last season and needs a run. While if Guilherme is worth £20 million shouldn't he be getting some action off the bench? 

Loppy also needs to have words with Kudus, who was both our best and worst player against Spurs. He's got tons of talent but at times needs to do the simple thing for the team and cut out the battering of Spurs players. Jarrod Bowen is exempt from criticism, but you do wonder if it might be easier to have a captain who could read the game from defence or midfield. What the team lacked at Spurs was someone to calm the side and keep it tight at 2-1 down. 

The fixture list hasn't been kind with four of the first eight games being against top-six clubs Villa, Man City, Chelsea and Spurs. But even so things have to improve, and quickly.

West Ham get battered as Mo sees Red

Tottenham 4 West Ham 1

It's down the Tottenham High Road in the rain to meet Nigel outside the Number 8 pub for our foray into Spurs country. What could possibly go wrong against a team that lost a two-goal lead last time out?

It's all Spurs early on but the Hammers defend fairly well with Rodriguez mopping up in front of the back four. Mo Kudus forces the first save of the game, as Vicario parries his effort. On 18 minutes it gets better as the Hammers have a spell of pressure, Bowen gets away down the right and crosses for Kudus to stroke home. Is it going to happen again?

Spurs force a series of corners, and Son dances though the defence trying to win a penalty.  Unfortunately the pressure tells before the break as the impressive Kulusevski wriggles through to shoot and surprises Areola, the ball deflecting off both post posts and over the line. Still, 1-1 at half-time isn't too bad and Nigel has his lucky banana out. 

Then comes an eight minute collapse. Just as Mystic Morris is saying that if we defend deep all game a deflection could go in or we concede a penalty. Son feeds Udogie who pulls back for Bissouma to fire through the legs of Kilman and past an unsighted Areola. Three minutes later Paqueta loses possession, Spurs break and Areola parries Son's rather tame shot. The ball unluckily deflects off the keeper and on to Todibo and back on to the Fonz and over the line for a comedy own goal.

Kudus gets a shot away at Vicario at 3-1 but soon we're 4-1 down. The Irons are caught too far upfield, Todibo is left all alone against Son and The Tottenham man, although forced wide, fires a shot past Areola at his near post. The keeper shouldn't have been beaten by that one.

The subs arrive but the game has gone. Son hits the post as Spurs almost make it 5-1.West Ham have a claim for a handball penalty turned down when Emerson crosses and Kudus's shot is cleared off the line. Werner mercifully heads a great chance over. 

"West Ham United you'll always be shit!" sing the gleeful home fans, followed by "West Ham get battered!" and "Is there a fire drill?" They also seem to think we have some travellers among our fans.

To compound it all Kudus, our best player, gets involved in a tussle with Van de Ven, seems to stamp on him and then raises his hand into his face. In the melee Kudus then punches Sarr as well. Richarlison has been accidentally hit and goes down as if shot by the Grealish sniper.

The ref only gives a yellow to Kudus, but VAR intervenes and it's an inevitable red card. It's the result of frustration but an act of sheer stupidity on Mo's part. He'll be suspended for three games at least and maybe longer after two red card offences.

All those fans who phoned TalkSport demanding Moyes be sacked are looking a bit silly. The jury is out on Lopetegui (and Steiden's signings) and he needs to act decisively. Paqueta hasn't been the same player since the FA charges and should surely be rested. We need to get Fullkrug fit as Antonio has toiled against the speedy Van de Ven and Loppy should give Summerville a run in the absence of Kudus. Alvarez needs to return. While Nigel suggests there's also a case for bringing back Fabianski.

The only person who's happy is my daughter Nell's Spurs-supporting friend Aaron whose £1 bet on Paqueta getting booked, Son scoring and Johnson getting a shot on target has yielded £6. "We'll be looking over our shoulder for the rest of the season." declares a disconsolate Nigel as we trudge back to Seven Sisters tube. Spurs are a top six side and played well but we shouldn't have thrown the game away like this. The Irons have to do better against Man United next week.

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 4; Wan-Bissaka 5, Kilman 5, Todibo 5, Emerson 6; Rodriguez 6 (Mavropanos 6), Soucek 5 (Soler 5), Paqueta 4 (Alvarez 5); Bowen 7, Kudus 6; Antonio 5 (Summerville 6).

Homer defeat for England but a great night for Dinos

It was Acropolis now for England last night. Gaffer Lee Carsley might have chosen to play without strikers but even so, Dinos Mavropanos had a very good game for Greece in their victory at Wembley. Final score England 1 Philosophy Football 2. He seemed to get everything in the air, won all his tackles, had a goal disallowed and didn't make any silly mistakes. 

Dinos now looks to be West Ham's third-choice centre back behind Max Kilman and Jean-Clair Todibo, but he had a decent game as a second-half substitute right back against Brentford and a victory at Wembley will also boost his confidence, as well as being a fitting tribute to George Baldock, brother of former Hammers striker Sam. Well done Konstantinos, even if it was a Greek tragedy for England.

Tractor Boys hammered in welcome home win

West Ham 4 (four) Ipswich Town 1

At a very sunny London Stadium I'm joined by Belgian mystic lamb and beer experts Lisa and Matt, plus Michael the Whovian, preparing for his big Brigadier tribute night. It's also a pleasant surprise to find Clacton refugees Alison and Scott in the seats further back. Nigel is away at a mysterious "social function" in Felixstowe, surrounded by Tractor Boys, so it's down to the diehards. 

What could possibly go right? In the first minute someone called Kalvin Phillips loses possession, Soucek feeds Bowen on the right and Antonio sweeps home the cross. Have we been taking lessons from Brentford? That goal will do Antonio's confidence a lot of good, as he seems destined to be our main striker for the next decade.

But unfortunately we still haven't stopped conceding early goals. Four minutes after Antonio's goal Ipswich win a corner. Delap picks up the clearance and unleashes a stinging shot that squirms past Areola. Having got a hand to it Areola should surely have stopped it. The noisy Ipswich away crew celebrate with glee, having already enjoyed seeing their first cars in London according to Matt.

West Ham wobble at this point. An Ipswich free kick sees Greaves puts a free header wide. Matt is wearing our late friend Fraser's West Ham shirt and wonders if a sense of indefatigable calm will rub off; it doesn't as it takes a full ten seconds before Matt is asking "Why can we not f***ing control it?" West Ham's build-up seems ponderous at times, but Todibo tries to make something happen with a fine run out of defence. Kudus starts to get in some shots. 

After a fine one-touch passing move from Paqueta and Bowen, Antonio gets in a great cross that Kudus heads against the outside of the post when he should have scored. Town are making the mistake of trying to play out from the back and are caught out. Paqueta finds Soucek, whose shot is cleared off the line by O'Shea.

But West Ham are not to be denied. Emerson makes a fine burst down the left and crosses for Antonio to head against the bar. The ball bounces on the line in1966-style, and Kudus is on hand to head home. The announcer gives the goal to first Micky and then Mo, meaning we are surely 3-1 up.

JARROD BOWEN'S ON FIRE

Bizarrely we start well after the break. Ex-Hammers playwright Ben Johnson helpfully lobs a difficult back pass towards Muric. Under pressure from Antonio the keeper slices the ball wide to Bowen, who cuts inside Phillips and slots home a fine finish.

Muric has to make a great save to deny Kudus after Bowen's fine through ball. To their credit Ipswich keep going and Areola has to produce a world-class save from Delap's header. But there are more goals to be had for the Irons. Antonio finds Bowen on the right and his cross is tapped home by Lucas Paqueta, another Hammer who needed a goal to kick-start his season.

Young star Antonio gets a deserved ovation when he is subbed and we get see a cameo from debutant Luis Guilherme. Sub Aaron Cresswell puts a late free kick well over the bar. It's a shame the Irons don't go all out for a fifth, but 4-1 is a very decent result after three home defeats. We can now go into the international break looking up rather than down.

We trek to the Eagle where Sinead has Guinness for Michael and bottles of London Pride in the fridge, plus Tayto crisps. Matt reveals that he based his career plans on watching Minder, as it looked great fun drinking all day. But instead he went into the entirely sober profession of journalism, quips Michael. While we all enjoy sending Nigel messages on WhatsApp saying that he's missed the game of the century. So this is what a home win feels like. More of these please, Mr Lopetegui. 

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 6, Todibo 7, Kilman 6, Emerson 7 (Cresswell 5); Rodriguez 6 (Alvarez 6), Soucek 6, Paqueta 7 (Summerville 5); Bowen 8, Antonio 8 (Soler 5), Kudus 7 (Guilherme n/a).

Time to stop doubting Tomas

Interesting to note that Tomas Soucek's goal at Brentford was his 29th Premier League goal (he's scored 34 in all competitions) in four and a half seasons at West Ham. That's not bad at all for a defensive midfielder. Soucek isn't a great passer and at six foot four inches can look ungainly, but he's certainly a nuisance in both boxes.The other positive is his attitude, he frequently tops the Premier League stats for most distance covered in a game and would clearly run through a field of potato salad for the Irons. Tomas did the scuffling to allow Paqueta's pass to Bowen in Prague and that seems to sum up his contribution. Players like Paqueta and Kudus need the odd workhorse behind them. And with neither Rodriguez or Alvarez having the knack of scoring it's now very hard for Loppy to leave Soucek out.