It's off to the Best Meze Cafe for pre-match fine cuisine, where Nigel has ticked off a new ground at Haringey Borough FC and booked tickets to Walsall versus Barrow with Reg. The bad news is that he has forgotten his 'lucky' banana.
We're joined by Michael, Matt and Lisa. Our party is left reeling by some inflationary price increases, as my egg, chips and beans and a cup of tea now costs £8 and Michael needs a second mortgage to buy his omelette and chips. Maybe Jeremy Hunt could explain it all with some coffee cups.
We meet Fraser in the ground, where Mark Noble is on the pitch with the family of David Gold in a tribute to WHU's late chairman. Moyes has dropped Soucek and Cresswell and is fielding the returning Kurt Zouma in what looks like his best available side.
There's an early fashion faux pas as we spot that Matt's yellow hoodie matches Everton's away strip. It's a nervous start from both sides in El Sackico, with two sets of five-man defences, an early Everton claim for handball in the box and an injury scare to Zouma, who plays on like Monty Python's Black Knight.
The nerves of the fans are improved when Benrahma finally gets a shot away towards the top corner, which Pickford tips over. The crucial goal arrives after 34 minutes. A West Ham corner is cleared but wing-back Emerson pings in another cross. Zouma gets a head to it and in nips Jarrod Bowen to score. There's a nervy VAR pause but he proves to be onside by the width of James Tarkowski's boot. Jarrod celebrates the news that he is having twins with Dani Dyer by stuffing the ball up his shirt and sucking both thumbs. It's his first goal in ten games and just the confidence boost he needed.
BOWEN'S DOUBLE TOP
Five minutes later the second goal arrives. Antonio is too quick for a rash tackle by Tarkowski and escapes down the right flank. His cross is swept home by Bowen, who has managed to get ahead of two defenders. Never in doubt.
There's a scare before half-time as Iwobi's shot is deflected by Rice against the outside of the post. In the concourse we meet Steve the Cornish Postie, who has travelled up from the west country in the belief that West Ham need all the strikers they can get. Though he still doesn't know where my Christmas cards are.
The second half sees Everton have a lot of possession and Calvert-Lewin almost gets on the end of an Iwobi cross. But Zouma is solid and Aguerd has a fine game at the back. The best two chances fall to West Ham on the break. A brilliant return ball from Benrahma sets Emerson free and the left-back's shot is tipped on to the bar by Pickford. When Benrahma cleverly finds Rice on the half-way line, Declan surges into the Toffees' box to fire across goal and just wide.
TWO-NIL IN OUR CUP FINAL
Danny Ings gets to come on for Antonio and then Moyes goes slightly sub crazy, bringing on Johnson, Soucek and Downes. The home fans get to sing the Big Fat Frank song and a chorus of, "You're getting sacked in the morning!" The away fans are dispirited and it's hard not to feel sorry for the Everton supporters. The club has burned through a lot of managers who have done better elsewhere, like Marco Silva, and wasted a lot of money on sub-standard players. A lack of goals in the side is their big problem, while Lampard has inherited a squad put together by six different gaffers.
At the end Oggy does a celebration jig for the fans. This is a much-needed win for West Ham and with the squad we have surely the side can reach mid-table. Finally Moyes has been able to field Zouma and Aguerd together alongside Ogbonna and the defence has looked much more solid. While the arrival of Ings means WHU have an unprecedented three strikers at the club.
Matt and Lisa depart to see The Delgados at Shepherd's Bush, while the rest of us head off to The Eagle, unfamiliar with the sensation of celebrating a West Ham win. There's Doom Bar in the fridge and Zombie on the jukebox. Fraser, who has never doubted the Moyesiah (much) has helpfully laid on table service as Nigel wonders if there is a Deep Purple musical he can visit with his birthday vouchers. With games against Newcastle, Chelsea and Spurs coming up we can't be complacent. But this was more like it from the Irons.
PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Coufal 6, Zouma 7, Aguerd 8, Ogbonna 7, Emerson 7 (Johnson 6); Rice 8, Paqueta 6 (Soucek 6), Benrahma 8 (Downes 6); Bowen 8, Antonio 7 (Ings 6).
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