The full Paqueta

Once our transfer targets used to be written on the back of a fag packet - now we have the complete Paqueta. The board have certainly pushed the boat out with the £51m purchase of Lucas Paquetta from Lyon. We saw him in the Europa League last season and he started the move that saw Aaron Cresswell sent off in the home leg. 

Lucas has an impressive record in France and is a regular for Brazil. He looks a Payet-like creative player who could well become a cult figure. Mind you as some fans say, record signings do make us a little bit nervous when you think of Haller, Anderson Carroll and Foe, all of whom had mixed careers with the Hammers. But let’s hope Moyes has done his homework and Paqueta sees us step up into the top six.

Fornals kickstarts Hammers’ season

Aston Villa 0 West Ham 1

Received the text updates for this while on the Ravenglass and Eskdale railway to Dalegarth, which was all very pleasant. Finally the Hammers had some luck with Fornals’ goal taking a huge deflection, and also with the Villa goal correctly disallowed after a corner went out of play. 

Emerson started in a five-man defence but it was sub Benrahma who changed the performance in the second half as the Irons reverted to a back four. Scamacca started and tested Martinez whole looking useful with little service and Kehrer will gain confidence from keeping a clean sheet at the back.

It all made Jonathan Wilson’s Observer piece on the Hammers’ crisis seem a tad premature. Plus Lucas Paquetta looks likely to arrive soon. Irons! 

Job done at Viborg

Viborg FF 0 West Ham 3 (Europa Conference)

Declined to get yet another subscription for a TV channel with Premier Sports so kept in touch with  this on the feed from the club website. Just as well, as the white and orange away kit would have had me adjusting the contrast controls on the TV. 

It was certainly a great instinctive finish from Scamacca for the first goal when he flicked in Soucek's cross. The Irons were indebted to Areola for a fine double save but the game was made secure with Benrahma's crisp finish into the corner after a fine through ball from Cornet. 

Proving that we do know where the onion sack is, Soucek bagged the third with a good poacher's goal after Lund parried a header. Tomas needed a goal more than anyone and accompanied with an assist it just might help him see an upturn in form. Soucek has at least been getting in scoring positions this season and was unlucky not to net against both Forest and Brighton. There was still time for Cornet to fire over an empty goal after good work by Scamacca and Benrahma.

Credit to the noisy Viborg fans, but in the end it was a satisfying night's work. Scamacca and Cornet benefitted from starting and it was good to see Oggy get another game and also for Oko-Flex to make his WHU debut. So 6-1 on aggregate, if only we could play Viborg every week…

Emerson signs for Irons

West Ham have signed Emerson for £13m plus £2m in add-ons — he is hopefully the long-term successor to the soon-to-be 33-years-old Aaron Cresswell at left back. Having got Emerson Palmieri, now all we need to do is sign Lake to keep my prog rock-loving pal Nigel happy. Hopefully Emerson can ELP us climb up the league and Tarkus to a better position

I saw Emerson play in the Euro 2000 semi-final at Wembley and he looked decent. He also picked up a winners' medal from playing in the final against England (though he was born in Brazil to a mother of Italian heritage). He played 29 times on loan for Lyon last season and only played 33 league games in total for Chelsea, being up against Chilwell, Alonso and lately Cucurella. So at 28 he should still have a lot of mileage left in him. 

That's seven signings now and on paper Emerson, Scamacca, Kehrer, Aguerd, Areola, Downes and Cornet are upgrades on departed squad players like Fredericks, Yarmolenko, Diop, Kral and Vlasic. It's going to take time to bed them all in, but surely in the long-term results will come as it's looking like a stronger squad than last season.

Blown away by blooming Brighton

West Ham 0 Brighton 2

Up against a team that we haven't beaten in ten PL games, what could possibly go wrong? At least Hackney Wick is open as I head to a sunny London Stadium. Inside Matt and Lisa have been to the RA summer show in search of great art (not often seen at the LS), Michael has returned to the fold, Nigel is carrying his 'lucky' Wimbledon AFC bag and Fraser's season ticket didn't work at the turnstile (sadly for him a steward then let him in). 

West Ham play reasonably well for ten minutes with Benrahma cutting inside and sending a drive just wide. Fornals finds Bowen on the wing with a fine ball but his cross is just behind Antonio. Then Brighton start to keep the ball and exert a familiar hoodoo over the Hammers. It all goes wrong after 22 minutes as Zouma steps out of defence, runs upfield, takes a heavy touch and loses possession. Trossard sends Welbeck away and caught out by the speed of the break, debutant Kehrer brings down the former Man United man. Mac Allister dispatches the penalty.

West Ham are playing with a curious lack of energy, with Rice and Soucek unable to impose themselves in midfield, Antonio toiling and Bowen not able to get on the ball. Brighton let Fabianski give the ball to Zouma every time, as Kurt is our least comfortable player on the ball. Brighton look a very well-coached team, despite the loss of Bissouma and Cucurella.

"This is the difference between a season when Bowen is on fire and a season when he isn't," says a sage Nigel. Matt remarks that Brighton are a pound shop Man City in the way they keep possession. We decide that if City are the equivalent of Waitrose then Brighton are Tesco (hence the Tesco bag kit) and West Ham are probably Aldi.

CAN THEY PLAY US EVERY WEEK?

The Irons start the second half with more intensity, as Cresswell has a goalbound shot blocked and Fornals tests Sanchez after a good move. But again West Ham concede at just the wrong time. Gross flicks the ball round a bamboozled Zouma and Trossard hasn't been tracked. The Brighton man finishes calmly to seal the result.

Scamacca and Cornet come on but the pattern of the game remains the same, as fellow sub Lanzini seems to misplace all his passes and Brighton send a free header over the bar. For six minutes Scamacca and Antonio are up front as a pairing, though Moyes soon takes Michail off. The out-of-form Soucek at least sticks at it, forcing a tip-over from Sanchez with a late header. From the resulting corner the Brighton keeper then makes another excellent save from Tomas's header. If Brighton played us every week they'd be top of the league.

We reflect that we are really missing Craig Dawson as we drift disconsolately to the Eagle at Leyton, where at least my bar enquiries find they have a bottle of Abbot in the fridge. Rather than discuss the game we mention the possible signing of Emerson and list prog rockers who have played for West Ham including (Jon) Anderson and (Phil) Collins. Nigel is on fine form revealing that Millwall are the only club to have four of the same letters in their name and that Phil Babb is the former Premier League star who has a surname with three out of four letters the same. Perhaps he has too much time on his hands.

We've missed relegation struggles. Is it time to panic? Looking at the game, Brighton had only two shots on target and scored both, while both goals were defensive errors which can be eliminated. A number of the new signings have not had a proper pre-season and Scamacca, Cornet, Kehrer and Downes are bedding in, while Aguerd will be back after the December break. 

But even so it's a long time since we've played consistently well and we've lost the first three games without scoring for only the second time in WHU's history. The side is looking jaded after the efforts of the last two seasons. We still have good players but Moyes needs to shake the team up and get something from the now vital game at Aston Villa.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6; Coufal 5 (Johnson 6), Zouma 4, Kehrer 5; Cresswell 5; Rice 5, Soucek 5, Benrahma 5 (Lanzini 4), Fornals 5 (Scamacca 5), Bowen 5; Antonio 5 (Cornet 5).

First goal for Scammacca as Hammers see off Viborg

West Ham 3 Viborg FF 1 (Europa Conference Play-off)

Although 32,000 tickets have been sold the crowd is a lot less as thanks to the train strike most fans from Essex haven't turned up, while the Central line is also dodgy and a tube strike is due for Friday. Diehards Matt and Lisa have been in the Best Cafe beforehand while Fraser is also there early. Michael is away spending more time with his musicals, perhaps fearing that West Ham are playing a team of cyborgs from The Terminator. 

There's a good contingent of away fans living Danishly, bouncing up and down, going topless and chanting throughout what is apparently the biggest game in their history.

It's an experimental side with Scamacca and Cornet starting and Conor Coventry and Harrison Ashby getting games, plus a welcome return for Angelo Ogbonna. Viborg are fielding Grot, perhaps as a tribute to all the Grot we've seen at the London Stadium over the years. And in one of the few positive things to come out of Brexit, Viborg have been unable to get visas for two of their African players thanks to government red tape.

Early on Scamacca tests the keeper and after being released by Ashby, Bowen cuts inside to chip over the keeper and just wide. A tardy Nigel then arrives, having walked from Cambridge Heath, carrying a huge sausage, perhaps in place of his lucky banana. The Irons take the lead as Cornet twists his full-back one way, then another, and sends over a perfect cross from Scamacca to rise above his defender and power home a header. Hopefully the first of many.

Macca has another long-range effort saved, but Viborg have chances too, shooting just wide and then causing Areola to race smartly from his goal to foil a one-one-one with Grot. At the other end Ashby forces Lund to tip over a fierce shot.

BOWEN SCORCHER

The game seems safe after 64 minutes as Bowen latches on to a loose ball and scores with a quick low shot from distance, fooling Lund, who was probably expecting a pass. Kehrer, Benrahma and Antonio come on but the triple substitution unsettles West Ham a little, as almost immediately Viborg get in a cross from the left. Our defence has not been expecting Mr Bonde, who scores with an unopposed header. 

Areola has to make an excellent tip-over to prevent a Viborg equaliser. Thankfully Benrahma carries on his good from from the Forest match, making a great run down the left, getting to the byline and pulling back for Antonio to tap home. We've seen three key players get off the mark in Scamacca, Bowen and Antonio, which should be good for the Brighton game.

After the final whistle we make an unusually quick exit to the Olde Black Bull with Matt's mate Steve. There's no Titanic Plum Porter, though a pint of Tribute goes down well. Then it's a dash with Nigel to the Central line and a quick discussion about Wainwright bagging before he departs for a long day's journey into night back to Kew. 

Always good to secure the first win of the season and Scamacca has now scored more than Simone Zaza. There's still work to do in the second leg but a two-goal lead should be enough. Irons!

PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 7; Ashby 6, Johnson 6, Ogbonna 6 (Kehrer 6), Coufal 6; Soucek 5, Coventry 5 (Downes n/a), Lanzini 5 (Fornals 6); Cornet 7, Bowen 7 (Benrahma 7), Scamacca 7 (Antonio 7).

Who should take penalties for West Ham?

With Declan Rice having missed two out of his three penalties for West Ham, he really should be relieved of the job. Declan is a great player but not a great striker of the ball — a lot of his shots go over the bar as we saw with the chance he missed against Man City. Being captain does not mean you have to take responsibility for penalties. 

If Manuel Lanzini is playing then he has a decent record from the spot, though he wasn't on the pitch when the penalty was awarded at Forest. Antonio is probably better at instinctive finishes and missed a penalty last season. A technical player like Benrahma should be able to stroke home a penalty while Soucek might also be good for the job. And if Scamacca is in the side then he is a natural goalscorer who should enjoy adding to his tally. Cresswell might be another option as he can take a decent free kick. What the side does need is some certainty and Moyes should decide who the official penalty taker is quickly.

Kehrer looks like a bargain

Thilo Kehrer has signed from Paris Saint-Germain for a bargain £10.1 million and certainly looks an upgrade on Issa Diop. The German international has won three Ligue 1 titles, three cups and played in a Champions League Final with PSG. At 25 he is a good age and with just one year left on his contract comes at a bargain price for a centre-back — compare his price with the £80 million Man United paid for Harry Maguire. Another advantage is his versatility, Thilo is mainly a centre back but can also play both full-back positions and defensive midfield which in WHU's small squad is going to prove very useful. Looking at his interview on the club website he seems a level-headed individual and should be a great addition to the squad.

Forest ire as unlucky Hammers miss out

Nottingham Forest 1 West Ham 0

Luckily I was at Hearts versus Dundee United while this was happening (the Jambos won 4-1) and also enjoying the Edinburgh Festival. We’ll surely not create so many chances without scoring in a game all season.

Declan Rice had a penalty saved, Fornals and Benrahma hit the bar, Benrahma had a goal disallowed, Forest cleared one off the line from Zouma's header and Dean Henderson made a series of great saves. In addition Forest’s goal was the result of a lucky bounce, the ball deflecting off Johnson's clearance on to Awoniyi's shin and into the back of the net.

There’s much to improve on but in a weird way this defeat was encouraging, in particular the return to form from Benrahma. Hopefully we can get some confidence against Viborg and then finally beat bogey team Brighton in the must-win game next weekend. And at least we’re not Man United.

Diop on his way

It seems that Issa Diop is on his way to Fulham for a relatively-cheap £15 million — it's a £7m loss on the £22m price we paid for him. Issa is paid to play football for West Ham but made himself unavailable for the Man City match, which is unprofessional whatever his problems with the club. He would definitely have played and also put himself in the shop window for other suitors. 

It all started so well with a great performance against Man United and Jose Mourinho describing him as a "monster". But after early progress his concentration wavered and he was often at fault for goals. Under Moyes he was replaced by first Balbuena and then Dawson. He did do a fine job when called upon to play at Lyon in the Europa League, but has underachieved for the last two seasons and was fifth choice this season after Aguerd was signed. He undoubtedly has potential, but has to match it with consistency. If Issa wants to go it's best to let him, but now the club is left with a defensive crisis as Kurt Zouma is our only match-fit centre-back.

Haaland dispatches subdued Hammers

West Ham 0 Manchester City 2

In the Best Cafe Michael and Nigel are ordering double halloumi baguettes and chips for a tardy Matt and Lisa. Matt has worked his customary magic at the Euros by saying England haven't done much at corners just before Chloe Kelly scored, while Lisa is making her debut as a season ticket holder (what has she done?). 

Nigel is full of interesting stats from the Times, including the fact that Nikola Vlasic tops the list for appearances without playing a full 90 minutes last season, and that Brighton are playing four teams called United in their first four fixtures (Manchester, Newcastle, West Ham and Leeds) for the first time in 48 years. Not a lot of people know that.

There's almost a programme disaster as we arrive at the ground only to see the last programme being sold. Matt remains Zen-like, but Nigel and myself desperately search inside the security zone for more and eventually find a last box on sale in the WHU tent. Nigel barges into the queue, elbows aside a few children and grannies and manages to buy our progs — even though it's gone up to four quid. What will Liz Truss do to tackle programme inflation?

Inside the stadium we're joined by Fraser, wearing a natty Albert Steptoe/David Essex-style  neckerchief, possibly in celebration of Moyes finally buying a striker. Sadder news is that Alison and Scott have retired with Mark Noble, though West Ham will surely buy them back for a massive fee in a few years' time.

West Ham have a decent first two minutes, force a corner and then see Antonio head over from Fornals' cross. After that City take control, with full-backs Cancelo and Walker pushed into midfield and Lanzini, Fornals, Soucek and Rice outnumbered and outthought.

Haaland almost gets his head to Foden's cross as it becomes attack versus defence and the Grealish Sniper reappears. Fabianski has to go off after injuring his hip while making a brave punch and is replaced by Areola. When Gundogan plays Haaland through, the substitute keeper hesitates for a second and then brings down the £51m striker. Haaland confidently dispatches the penalty and does a sit-down meditation celebration — possibly in honour of Matt's new found indifference to pleasure, pain and programme collecting. 

At half-time Nigel deploys his lucky banana and the Irons have a slightly better start to the second half. The key moment comes when Rice gets under the ball and fires over the bar when he should have scored. 

SCAMA THE HAMMER

Subs Scamacca and Benrahma at least give City something different to think about. The big Italian tests Ederson with a fine header only to be ruled offside. He is a handful and despite his lack of pre-season games looks like he can adapt quickly to the PL. Benrahma also tests Ederson with a low shot, but with space now available the inevitable happens. Rodri finds De Bruyne, who dissects the West Ham centre-backs with a fine ball. Haaland shifts the ball on to his left foot and strokes home. "We're not really here!" sing the away fans.

After that it's a question of how many City will get on a very hot afternoon. It's been a strangely passive performance against a great team. When I remark that our pressing game isn't working Michael says, quite accurately, "we're playing a de-pressing game." 

There's nearly a fight behind us as the over-aggressive fan who has been giving expletive-laden advice to the side to just effing run (not that wise in 27C) is told to just say it in his head by a man whose patience has snapped. There's a lot of Boris-style bluster as the Vicar's Son asks, "why can't some fans just stay positive?"

Haaland misses a good chance to get a hat-trick and Coventry and Downes make their PL debuts in a minute-long cameo. West Ham scored in every home PL game last season, now that record has been blown in one match. To be fair, the Irons have been without the much-missed Dawson, Aguerd and Diop, who has shoddily "not made himself available" according to Moyes, while Scamacca and Cornet will improve the side. This result does not define our season and at least we only have to play City once more. 

We walk via the giant bell exit to the Eagle at Leyton – a decent boozer with plenty of room and the Who on the jukebox, even if it's lacking in decent beers. The landlady is friendly and one customer who announces, "I'm a born-again virgin!' seems to have taken a shine to our table. Inspired by the fracas behind us at the LS, Matt reminisces about rows between our own supporters, including the time a fan announced that Mattie Etherington was the worst player he had ever seen, only to be quickly corrected with a list of numerous WHU non-legends.

The game against Forest and Brighton will give us a much better idea of how the season will go. But this was nothing like the team that disrupted City in the 2-2 draw at the end of last season and a rapid improvement is now needed.

PLYER RATINGS: Fabianski 6 (Areola 5); Coufal 5, Zouma 6, Johnson 5, Cresswell 5; Rice 6, Soucek 5; Fornals 5 (Coventry n/a), Lanzini 5 (Benrahma 6), Bowen 5 (Downes n/a); Antonio 5 (Scamacca 6).

Bang Bang Maxwel's silver Hammer...

Good news is that WHU have secured Burnley's Maxwel Cornet for a bargain £17.5 million thanks to the release clause in his contract — and presumably escaped a late attempt by Frank Lampard to kidnap Maxwel and escape down the River Lea on a speed boat heading to Merseyside. 

Cornet scored nine goals in a mediocre Burnley team last season and you only have to look at his explosive volley against Aston Villa to see his potential. There was also a stunning free kick at Leeds from outside the box and two more brilliant volleys against Southampton and Leicester. He also scored some tap-ins and headers so clearly knows where the onion sack is — nine goals in 28 full matches is very respectable for a winger. Burnley fans say he can be inconsistent but Moyes is surely the man to cure that. Not too sure he can play left wing-back, but overall this is a very exciting signing at a good price. And as my pal Nigel suggests, Cornet is a player who might be able to blow his own trumpet.

And yes we have no Onana. As for the Amadou Onana saga, it looks like he is now heading to Everton, with the Scousers presumably offering more in wages after West Ham agreed a £33m fee. As with Lingard, it's right not to break the wage structure or pay him more than Rice and Bowen and saddle the club with a massive earner for five years unless he's a world-beater. The lad is only 20 and relatively unproven. We presumably paid Yarmolenko £110k a week to get the deal over the line and that didn't work out well. Everton have massive financial problems and it's a big risk for them to pay out huge wages. As it is West Ham have already made five signings and progress is being made.

Farewell King Arthur

So Arthur Masuaku has gone on a season's loan, with an option to buy, to Besiktas. He couldn't defend very well in a back four but was a different proposition as a wing-back. Arthur was with us for all six seasons at the London Stadium and had enough moments to make himself a bit of a cult figure. 

No-one will ever forget his Messi-like lob over Chelsea's Mendy last season. Arthur modestly claimed it was a cross but he protested too much, as actually it was a moment of genius. He seemed to like playing against Chelsea, as another of is best performances was a mesmerising game at wing-back in the 1-0 victory during Moyes' first spell at the London Stadium, when Chelsea just couldn't get the ball off him. Then there was some memorable ball-juggling against Spurs which features on most his YouTube highlights. As my WHU colleague Matt tweeted, "world-beating at times, infuriating at others". Though on last season's form he really was better than Lukaku. Here's a picture of Matt's prized Masuaku mug. Good luck in Turkey, Arthur.

It's come home

Congratulations to the Lionesses and also to my WHU fellow season ticket holders Lisa and Matt who were at the European Championship Final at Wembley and are long-time supporters of women's football. What an enjoyable afternoon it was and how refreshing to see players express unadulterated joy. In the media-trained world of the men's game you can't imagine those exultant on-pitch interviews happening, nor the players ambushing their manager's conference to stand on the table and sing "football's coming home!". There wasn't any play-acting either and the Grealish sniper was absent, though Jill Scott did use some tasty expletives when fouled just to prove how competitive it all was. And there were celebrations without any aggro. Comedian Mark Steel summed it up with his tweet: "Is it time to smash up a bar and tip bins in the street? Not sure of the etiquette for a women’s final." This football lark might catch on.