What fresh Haller is this?

Roving correspondent Mystic Matt reports on Saturday's Betway Cup match…

West Ham 2 Athletic Bilbao 2

It is the most West Ham start ever to the season at the  London Stadium: 74 seconds into his home debut, record signing Sebastian Haller smashes into his own net trying to defend a half-cleared corner needlessly given away by Ryan Fredericks. It was his first touch. 

The day had started with a new menu at the Best Caff, including avocado in a bid to entice the fickle North London quinoa burger crowd. Although the ciabatta was off, which would have had them muttering into their mung bean lattes. 

Scott with a collector's item programme

At the ground, there are 38,000 proper fans in attendance, including Fraser. There are no programmes anywhere, and a steward thinks she knows why: "I expect they've not printed enough." Scott was there early enough to grab this collector's item.

We've started with Haller ahead of an exciting attacking trio of Felipe Anderson, Manuel Lanzini and Pablo Fornals, who is excellent on his debut, although he's replaced at half-time. Declan Rice and Jack Wilshere are the pivots, with Issa Diop, The General and Captain Cresswell in front of the heavily tattooed Roberto, with Lukasz Fabianski missing. We concede a second after 15 minutes, the dangerous Inaki Williams attacking a ball cut back from the byline as the defence doze. This is Man City's archetypal goal, which doesn't bode well for Saturday.

ARE YOU STOKE IN DISGUISE?

The Bilbao fans, dressed in Stoke's home strip, are basqueing in the August sunshine. I haven't seen fans in red and white stripes so happy since Rory Delap was taking long throws at the Britannia. But the team, in a stylish green away kit, then concede two in 90 seconds. Haller and Fornals with an overhead kick set up Lanzini for a close-range finish, then Wilshere sweeps home from the edge of the area - his first goal for the club - superbly set up by Haller.

At this point, after the midweek 5-3 win over Hertha Berlin, there's been 12 goals in 112 minutes, a rate of scoring so high even Fraser can't complain. There seem certain to be more goals, but Bilbao create few chances, and our rhythm suffers when we make a series of substitutions, although Arthur Masuaku plays well, celebrating his new contract. Anderson has a fierce shot saved, and ex-Cheltenham Town player Yuri Berniche fires wide when he should have hit the target. Grady Diangana heads one narrowly over, and nearly connects with a miscued Angelo Ogbonna header from a corner, but it ends 2-2.

Many in the 38,000-strong crowd get up to leave, only to return when they hear there's going to be a penalty shootout, the first I can recall in this ground. The drama hardly matches the famous defeat of Everton, with Adrian throwing off his gloves to score the winner, before a knee slide into the corner. 

PENALTY WOE

Chicharito, famously deadly from inside the penalty box, can't score from 12 yards, sidefooting tamely at the keeper. Robert Snodgrass and Andriy Yarmolenko are confident enough and, despite a cheeky Bilbao Panenka, we're still in it when they hit the post. But Diangana blasts a woeful effort miles over, and we've lost our own cup on our own ground.

There are reasons to be cheerful, as our attacking options are improved by the impressive Fornals, and Haller does enough to show he can replace that bloke who went to China. But the defence looks no better, and with Mark Noble likely to be out, Rice will have a difficult job against City, as none of the other five midfielders/forwards can tackle.

Still miracles can happen - there's already been one this season, as the ref, Michael Oliver, had a decent game. 

Super Slav on the box

And in a second one, we found a seat at the boat bar on the water, where they provide Doom Bar and a Britpop soundtrack. They it's off to meet Gavin and Ilona at the Refreshment Rooms, where they're showing a triumphant Slaven Bilic who won his first West Brom game at Nottingham Forest.

This should be an exciting season, with West Ham scoring plenty of goals, but also likely to concede a fair few. We could possibly challenge for Europe if we can keep the injury list down. But there's a nailed-on defeat heading our way on Saturday.