Never in (much) doubt! Hernandez double defeats Terriers in seven-goal thriller

West Ham United 4 Huddersfield Town 3 

The Clyde Best Cafe has now moved upmarket as it's serving baked beans in a bowl. Meanwhile Matt and Lisa are enjoying mushroom omelettes and chips having just returned from Malaga, sadly having been deprived of watching Pellegrini's old side by the vagaries of EasyJet's timetables.

We trek across Stratford to the London Stadium. Alison and Scott are away at Disneyland hoping that West Ham don't produce a Mickey Mouse performance. They're replaced by family substitutes Roz and Joe. Meanwhile Michael the Whovian has returned to the collective having hot-footed it from the premiere of the animated version of The Macra Terror at the BFI. The missing Doctor Who adventure involves a huge creature lurking in the bowels of a large complex, a bit like Andy Carroll.

Nigel is wearing his re-found 1970s WHU scarf and helpfully points out that Huddersfield need four goals to beat the record for scoring the fewest goals in the Premier League. He then predicts a cricket score. What could possibly go wrong?

The Hammers start off looking lethargic, but do threaten to score when Antonio flicks a header on to the bar from Rice's cross. "If we can just get the first goal, Huddersfield's heads will drop," Mystic May tells Fraser. The Hammers duly take the lead when Lanzini is felled in the box and Noble sends the spot kick down the middle into the net.

DEFENSIVE WOES
Only Huddersfield heads don't go down. A minute later they win a corner and the unmarked Bacuna heads home. That was pretty amateur. Thirteen minutes later Pritchard's quick free kick confuses the West Ham defence. Antonio is slow to come out to block the cross, Zabaleta misses the ball and Ogbonna has lost his man as Grant scuffs home a soft goal. The small away contingent go berserk. Michael wonders if it's The Macra Terriers he's watching.

Another banana skin for the Hammers

It seems our players have switched off for the summer holidays. Even Rice seems to be struggling now he's English. At half-time Pellegrini makes a strange substitution, taking  off Antonio, who has at least caused problems with his speed and bringing on Hernandez. Then he brings on Nasri for Noble, who has been ok, which is certainly brave as we're now playing 4-1-3-2. I text Alison in Disneyland to inform her we now seem to have Mary Poppins and Sleeping Beauty in defence and are playing the Seven Dwarves up front. Things are desperate, so Nigel starts to eat his lucky banana. 

A great run from Anderson sees Arnautovic scuff his shot at the keeper. Bacuna almost scores as his long-range effort produces a fine save from Fabianski. "It'll be all right," reassures Nigel, moments before Diop lunges in and misses the ball, allowing Grant to turn inside Ogbonna and curl home the best goal of the game. Three-one down after 65 minutes. Many fainthearts leave their seats and head for the tube. Perez comes on for a muted Arnie. The Vicar's Son is threatening West Ham with much damnation.

PLAY IT AGAIN, SAMI
But Nasri is at least holding on to the ball and Hernandez is making runs into the box, while Zabaleta never stops running. Perez wins the corner and Ogbonna rises between two defenders to power home a header. Is it just a consolation? With 15 minutes left the volume level rises among the crowd.

Another West Ham corner is half-cleared but Nasri does really well to win a fifty-fifty challenge, wait for the right angle and chip in a ball to the far post where Chicharito is unmarked and heads home to spark wild scenes among the home fans.

But it would be very like West Ham to lose this having come back to 3-3. It resembles school football where no-one plays in defence. The Terriers break again and Kongolo is clean through but Fabianski makes a fine save and from the rebound Billing scoops over an open goal. Phew.

THREE-ONE DOWN, FOUR-THREE UP!
Anything could happen. Surely the Hammers can't go on to win it? In the 91st minute Anderson's shot is deflected for a corner. "Come on you Irons" echoes around the bowl. Cresswell takes it short to Anderson on the edge of the box. Felipe chips it in and Hernandez manages to get a flick on it to send a back header over the flailing Lossl. Never in doubt! It's crazy football but hugely entertaining.

We head over the iron bridge to Stratford and Fraser stops to console a Huddersfield fan, who says that this was one of their better performances as at least they scored three goals. 

Our Stratford theatre of dreams...

After such melodrama we head to the Stratford East Theatre bar, where we find a theatrical alcove with sofas, lamps, a 1960s telephone and lots of old posters revealing that Barbara Windsor was in the theatre's 1964 production of Henry IV. Michael is particularly taken with the poster advertising a lost drama called Make Me An Offer. Our pints of Wolf Rock are going down well, only for a surly member of staff to tell us rather rudely that we shouldn't have moved the bench. Unlike Manuel Pellegrini, he doesn't realise that you won't get anywhere without a strong bench.

It's been a strange day. Playing abysmally for 75 minutes and then securing a thrilling victory. This just might be the West Ham Way. Though a better team than Huddersfield surely wouldn't have allowed such a comeback. Still, we'll take it.

PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 7; Zabaleta 7, Diop 5, Ogbonna 6, Cresswell 6; Anderson 6, Noble 6 (Nasri 8), Rice 5, Lanzini 5; Antonio 6 (Hernandez 8), Arnautovic 5 (Perez 5).