Who ate all the pies?

Anyone remember Benni McCarthy our 40k-a-week striker? David Sullivan — who blames the signing on Zola — last week told Big Mac to lose weight or be fined having said earlier "He's almost as fat as me!".

Sullivan said: "It's like a jockey being overweight. He can't ride a horse and no-one is going to pay him… I think we are fully within our rights to say 'you are not honouring your side of the contract'.

"We are not being unrealistic. We've given him a target of losing a kilo (2.2lbs) a week. He has to lose five or six more kilos. He is training very hard so he must be eating or drinking something very wrong. Short of spending 24 hours with him, we have to assume that.

"You expect him to turn up in a state to be a footballer. We are not starving him. It's just don't eat ice cream, don't eat cakes, don't drink wine."

There’s only one thing for it, Dave. Best put Ken’s Café under 24-hour surveillance.