There's a four-piece band outside the stadium playing Tequila but replacing the chorus with "Paqueta!", which is about as good as it gets. I'm joined by Nigel, fresh from the new Led Zeppelin movie, Michael and Big Sam, who has trekked from deepest Wales.
Before kick-off we have a minute's applause in memory of Ronnie "Ticker" Boyce and a decent atmosphere. That changes after three minutes as a simple ball over the top sees Mbuemo nick the ball past Emerson, Schade shoot, Areola make two good saves only for the Brentford man's third effort to cross the line. It's the tenth goal that West Ham have conceded in the first ten minutes this season.
A tardy Matt and Lisa are arriving at this point, having raced from watching a defeat for the WHU Under 21s. We discover that Matt, a true romantic, has for Valentine's Day taken Lisa to watch the Under-18s rather than Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy.
It's a dire first half from the Hammers, with the side looking way off the pace against a sharp Brentford. Areola has to make a decent stop from Mbuemo. A terrible crossfield pass from Paqueta sees Wissa net only to be ruled just offside. Soler is fouled as West Ham break but the ref allows play to continue as Schade hits the post to a chorus of boos. Mavropanos has to make a great saving tackle. After more intricate passing Brentford net again only to have it correctly ruled out for a narrow offside.
The best West Ham have offered is a couple of dangerous crosses from Jarrod Bowen and even worse, Nigel has forgotten his lucky banana, claiming that his choice of snack might not make a difference to our results.
Potter has to do something at half time and brings on Ferguson, Ward-Prowse and Scarles for Soler, Soucek and Emerson. Young Evan Ferguson looks a little like Leo Woodall, Bridget Jones' new love interest, though so far West Ham have sent most of us to the edge of reason.
The Irons play like a different team in the second half and get stuck in. Some neat ball juggling from Bowen releases Ferguson who shows a good burst of speed to get to the line and pull back for Kudus to fire over a gaping goal. That should have been 1-1 and Mo seems struggling for form and confidence.
James Ward-Prowse plays sensibly and looks like Lionel Messi compared to what's come before, as West Ham threaten the Brentford goal. Paqueta wins a free kick on the edge of the box which is deflected wide, with the ref not even giving a corner. Bowen has a penalty appeal refused and Ferguson uses his strength to hold off three defenders and fire a shot at Flekken. We've looked a lot better with a young mobile target man.
Ward-Prowse gets a round of applause every time he takes a corner, though without Soucek there's not too much to aim at. At times we make the Brentford defence seem as impregnable as that of FC Astra. The Bus Stop from Hounslow players see out the game fairly comfortably.
We head to the Eagle for London Pride from the fridge. Matt wants to know which one of our mates has seen a game in Uzbekistan (it's Lisa obviously) and we then end up discussing the work of Nick Hornby and Gill Hornby, and whether an artist's early works are their best. All better than talking about the match. To compound our gloom the TV is showing Everton winning at Crystal Palace under bright young manager David Moyes.
If we lose to Leicester we really will be in the relegation mix. With 13 games left some wins are needed urgently to save the season.
PLAYER RATINGS: Areola 6; Wan-Bissaka 5, Kilman 5, Mavropanos 5 (Guilherme n/a); Emerson 5 (Scarles 6); Alvarez 5, Soler 4 (Ferguson 7), Soucek 4 (Ward-Prowse 6), Paqueta 6; Kudus 5, Bowen 6.
At this rate Jarrod might end up as the landlord of the Queen Vic when he retires. Though some of the regulars need to brush up on their trivia knowledge as in the West Ham quiz they struggled to name Billy Bonds as the oldest player to appear for the Irons.
This has to rank up there in great WHU TV moments alongside the cast of Gavin and Stacey wearing vintage West Ham shirts for Smithy's stag night, Leo Woodall's Essex geezer Jack singing Bubbles in season two of White Lotus and Donna Noble saying she learned to whistle "up West Ham" in Doctor Who.
Season is the story of two characters, the Old Man and the Young Man, who find themselves sitting next to each other each week and develop a slow companionship. The Old Man is struggling with age and the decline of his wife, while the Young Man is fatherless, in a new relationship with a troubled girlfriend and struggling to find his goal in life.
The novel is cleverly structured, having a chapter for each of the 38 games in a Premier League season. It's based loosely around Harrison's team of Norwich City, though they are never named. To make it generic he uses the nationalities of those involved rather than names. The team is managed by the German and the players are the Norwegian, the Finn, the Englishman, the Irishman, the Argentinian, the Dutchman and so on.
There's even a relegation struggle to make us feel at home and a trip to a corporate bowl in London, though the suggestion is the home fans are not too friendly. Really it's a book about loneliness, dodgy refs and the rituals of football. To use my quote on the back cover it, "perfectly captures the comforting rituals of football for taciturn males, both old and young." Though obviously none of my football gang would ever sublimate their emotions in favour of discussing football trivia over a post-match pint.
Season has already received good reviews in the Daily Telegraph, the Mail on Sunday and the Irish Times and is well worth a read during this fortnight free of West Ham action.
So technical director Tim Steidten has officially left West Ham to euphemistically, "pursue new opportunities." Graham Potter has brought in his own recruitment man in Kyle Macaulay.
What will not have impressed David Sullivan and Karren Brady will have been Steidten's role in recruiting Julen Lopetegui. It's also possible that David Moyes might have stayed had West Ham not appointed a technical director. Moyes was all set to sign a new contract in December 2023 with the club sixth in the Premier League. Yet something changed and the season imploded with the club approaching Lopetegui while Moyes was still in charge.
Steidten's role in recruitment has been mixed since he arrived in the summer of 2023. The decent to good buys have included Alvarez, Ward-Prowse, Kudus and Wan-Bissaka. The bad deals have been Dinos Mavropanos, Kalvin Phillips, Guido Rodriguez, Niclas Fullkrug (in terms of age and injuries rather than ability), Luis Guilherme (who might develop but was overpriced) and probably Soler. While the jury remains out on Summerville, Kilman and Todibo. It could also be argued that a lot of good players departed who might have had something more to offer, such as Fornals, Benrahma, Aguerd, Kehrer and Ward-Prowse (who has now returned).
Its not an overly impressive record, though Steidten undoubtedly recruited well at German champions Bayer Leverkusen. But for whatever reason he found the Premier League a much harder proposition.
Chelsea 2 West Ham 1
I'm with my sports book group at Nonos Greek restaurant in Judd Street (not run by the Mavropanos family) discussing the podcast Heroes and Humans of Football for this one. News of Jarrod Bowen's goal at half-time brings an unexpected bit of hope to the menu as misfiring Chelsea consider buying Souvlaki, Dolomades and Moussaka.
Paqueta and Alvarez are injured, so Potter gives Andy Irving his first start and sticks with four full-backs alongside Kilman at the back.
The highlights reveal there's some predictable pressure from Chelsea in the first half, with Madueke and Fernandez firing just wide. But West Ham's formation troubles Chelsea and for the Irons Irving volleys over and Bowen fires against Jorgensen's legs.
West Ham take the lead on 42 minutes. Colwill, under pressure from Kudus, plays a blind back pass in to the path of Bowen. The returning talisman takes it brilliantly gliding a left-foot finish into the corner. Just before the break Areola makes a superb save to tip over Palmer's free kick.Could it be a gritty 1-0 away victory?
Chelsea bring on Neto who makes a difference, though their equaliser should surely have disallowed.as Colwill fouls Bowen with a blatant push in the back in the build up. As Neto crosses, Cucurella also seems to be offside as he plays the ball, though VAR rules that a defender has touched the ball first rather than Guiu. In the resulting pinball after Fernandez's shot is saved, Neto fires home the rebound.
At 1-1 Andy Irving plays in a fine cross which Kudus heads against the outside of the post, possibly from an offside position. Abandoning my soccerarti pals I arrive at the Mabel pub just in time to pay £7.85 for a pint of Neck Oil and see Chelsea score a lucky winner. The impressive Palmer glides into the box, where his cross from the left wing takes a huge deflection off Wan-Bissaka's boot and spins up and over Areola.
Palmer curls a shot just wide but West Ham give it a go late on. Potter isn't scared to send on kids Scarles and Orford while Guilherme does some good stuff on the right wing. Wan-Bissaka wastes a good chance to cross after a nice move. A surging run from Guilherme sees him find Bowen who crosses to Kudus, who spins and shoots but sees his goalbound effort blocked by Chalobah.
West Ham get a deserved ovation from the fans at the final whistle, We have almost got a result against a top four team with an injury-ravaged side, which is very different to the 3-0 capitulation at home to Chelsea earlier this season and last season's 5-0 defeat. Bowen is fit again and with Ferguson and Ward-Prowse added to the squad there's room for some optimism.
More good news is that James Ward-Prowse is returning from his loan spell at Nottingham Forest, where he's been stuck on the bench all season, bar one assist for an Awonyi goal at Wolves.
It was baffling why Julen Lopetegui loaned out JWP, a seasoned Premier League performer who scored seven goals and made 11 assists last season. That's a total of 18 goal involvements. True, he might have wanted a more dynamic or speedy central midfielder than steady James, but West Ham ended up with the one-paced Soler and Rodriguez as replacements, who have one goal and one assist between them. Even if Ward-Prowse wasn't going to be a regular starter for Loppy, he would have been a great player to bring off the bench for his free kicks and corners when WHU were seeking a breakthough.
There was no return clause in the loan deal with Forest so the club has done well to persuade Forest to let him go. Presumably Ward-Prowse told them he wanted to return after hardly featuring. Graham Potter seems to appreciate JWP's understated qualities. He's a good pro who trains well, rarely gets injured and never complains when dropped. As the club website says he will add "experience, depth and quality" to the squad. JWP is used to playing with Alvarez and Soucek and Tomas and co must be looking forward to getting on the end of his corners. And someday soon he has to score with a free kick. Ward-Prowse will be like a £30m signing - in fact he was a £30m signing the club seemed to forget about. Welcome home, JWP.
