Sit down if you love West Ham?

So the Bournemouth game will be played before 57,000 fans as the jobsworths at the London Stadium Safety Advisory Group and Newham Council have refused to up the capacity to 60,000, claiming there was "dangerous standing" by some fans at the previous two games. Presumably this is in the Bobby Moore Stand area. You'd have thought the authorities might be a bit more lenient when we're trying to avoid a sanitised atmosphere and get some songs going. Long term there's surely a case for safe standing areas as in the Bundesliga. Check out the Football Supporters Federation's campaign here. I can see it might be annoying if you want to sit down and find yourself lumped with people standing up all the time, but you would have imagined things would have sorted themselves out and standing up doesn't feel that dangerous with all the new legroom. But for the time being I guess we have to sit down and get the capacity up to 60,000 before we can really go wild and stand up if we hate Tottenham.

Costa twists Chelsea dagger as Hammers lose it late

Chelsea 2 West Ham 1

It’s off to the Grafton Arms at Victoria for this one, where Nigel arrives in his white Martin Bell suit to meet Fraser, a tardy Matt and Nigel’s mate Patrick. Nigel’s been cycling in France for two weeks and needs updates on WHU’s many signings and stadium migration. He then asks which West Ham legend sent a twitter message to Matt and himself. Ian Bishop? Steve Potts? No, turns out it was Sir Geoff Hurst who said that he wasn’t ignored at the Boleyn closing ceremony but had a longstanding prior engagement so he couldn’t make it.

We’re not sure why Feghouli and Ogbonna are missing, but Collins and Ayew come in. West Ham are on the defensive from the off. It all looks ominous for the Irons when star signing André Ayew plus up with a thigh strain and has to go off after 35 minutes. Lisa texts Matt to say that Ayew’s a true West Ham player. Chelsea dominate though West Ham defend reasonably well with Masuako looking solid at left-back. Adrian tips over a Willian free kick and Oscar has a dodgy penalty appeal turned down and that’s about it.

West Ham’s performance is worrying; Nordtveit looks off the pace in midfield, Noble and Kouyate don’t really effect the game against Kante, Valencia goes missing, Tore doesn’t make any impact from the bench and a frustrated Andy Carroll is completely isolated.

WHEREFORE ART THOU ANTONIO?

Michael the non-Whovian texts from the corporate section at Chelsea to say that Noble is having a ’mare. I make the mistake of going to the gents during the ad break and come back to discover it’s a penalty to Chelsea in the 46^th minute. Antonio has tried to dribble out of defence when he twice could have cleared. He’s lost possession and then panicked to bring down Azpilicueta.

The plastic Chelsea fans at the other end of the pub celebrate as Eden Hazard fires home. The penalty is further evidence that Antonio is not a natural defender. Bilic replaces him with Byram —who does well and plays sensibly — soon after that error, though I’d rather see Antonio pushed up to midfield. Mikhail’s a fine player on the wing. Shouldn’t we just do the simple thing and play him there?

THERE'S ONLY ONE GINGER PELE

It looks like a case of keeping the score down against a motivated Chelsea as Adrian makes a fine save from Willian. Our only hope is Payet, who replaces Nordtveit after 67 minutes. Ten minutes later Payet’s free kick is deflected wide for a corner. From Dimitri’s corner Collins' initial header ricochets off Valencia into the path of James Collins who lashes the ball home, much to the glee of the away fans. There’s dancing in the seats of the Grafton. It’s our first shot on target from the Ginger Pele.

Can we hold on? Diego Costa is lucky to be on the pitch, having already been booked and then going in very late on Adrian. So it seems inevitable Costa will then score. With a minute to go Batshuayi wins a header and Chelsea's Captain Haddock lookalike is given too much time just outside the box and fires a low shot into the net.The ball goes through Collins' legs, but as it wasn’t right in the corner you do feel the otherwise excellent Adrian might have got a hand to it. Chelsea gaffer Conte showboats by leaping into the crowd. Payet has a late effort straight at the keeper then it's over. Chelsea deserve the points having dominated the game, but having got in a position to grab a bonus point we shouldn’t have let it go.

It’s only the first game but this looked like we were going backwards and two shots on target isn’t good enough, as Bilic admitted. It’s now vitally important we put in a shift at Astra and get three points against Bournemouth.

The battle of Stamford Bridge

Went to Battle Abbey this weekend where we learned that King Harold came unstuck against William the Conqueror after first winning the battle of Stamford Bridge in 1066 against a Jose Mourinho-inspired team of Vikings. Not sure what warriors King Slaven will pick tonight but I'd anticipate that King Arthur Masuaku will make his debut at left back and that Antonio will continue at right-back, though I'd still rather see Byram in that position. With Payet likely to be on the bench after his exertions in France and Lanzini out until September it seems likely that Havard Nordtveit will anchor the midfield behind Noble and Kouyate and that Sofiane Feghouli will continue on the right wing. It's likely that £20m Andre Ayew will come in to partner Andy Carroll up front, though Bilic might start with Enner Valencia who has looked sharp in pre-season, despite some erratic finishing. It's going to be a very difficult match though, with Chelsea out to impress new boss Conte and fielding new signing Kante in midfield and having new striker Batshuayi, a West Ham target, on the bench after the Euros. Let's hope we get something out of this. Irons!

More strike power for the Hammers

Another striker has arrived at West Ham in the form of 22-year-old Jonathan Calleri. The Guardian reports that WHU had to pay £4 million to secure him on a year-long loan in a complicated economic rights deal with the Stellar Group. An Argentina Under-23 international, he made his name with Boca Juniors and then Uruguayan side Deportivo Maldonado (not a team from Maldon, Essex). 

Meanwhile Jermaine Jenas in the Evening Standard picked out Andy Carroll as one of his Premier League players with something to prove. And it seems like his "missus" Billi Mucklow is having a good influence. After the Juventus game Andy revealed in the Standard: “It started probably when my missus got on my case. I thought, ‘I have to listen to her’... I’ve had to take a step back, go in the gym, do some lighter work or have a second recovery day where before, I would be out there on the pitch and wanting to be there all the time. With my second goal against Juventus, I took out four players including some of my own team-mates. I used to do that in training as well which wasn’t very good for me – or our players." Wonder if there's a place for Billi on our coaching staff?

Ayew signs for club record £20.5 million

West Ham have finally signed Andre Ayew for a club record £20.5 million. It's a bit worrying when a player who scores 12 goals in a season is worth that kind of money, though in the age of Pogba that's probably the going rate. Should WHU eventually manage to sell Diafra Sakho for £15 million we'll get most of the fee back. A lot of Ayew's Swansea goals came in the first third of last season and he scored four in the final three matches when not too much was at stake (including one against West Ham in the 4-1 home defeat to the Swans). But he's undoubtedly a good finisher and provided quite a few assists from out wide too. 

My pal Huw who's a Swansea fan says Ayew looked impressive in away games, though those who watched him every week at home were more sceptical. He's played 67 times for Ghana and scored every fourth game for Marseille (160 appearances, 44 goals). At 26 Andre should be coming into his peak years and with a strike force of Carroll, Ayew, Valencia, Fletcher and possibly Sakho we now have plenty of strength up front.

Hammers sign king Arthur

Good news is West Ham have finally signed a new left-back having completed a four-year deal for Olympiakos's Arthur Masuaku. At 22 he's won the title twice with Olympiakos and has played in Ligue 1 for Valenciennes. He's also played in the Champions League and for the French Under-19 side so should be real competition for Cresswell. As it is he's guaranteed four of five months in the side while Cresswell recovers so should have plenty of time to bed in. Meanwhile Swansea have accepted West Ham's £20 million offer for Andre Ayew, but Swansea appear to be waiting to sign a replacement before the deal goes through.

3-2 in our cup final…

West Ham 2 Juventus 3 (Betway Cup)

It’s an experimental journey to Hackney Wick with my elder daughter Lola, who is impressed by the hipster quotient outside the station. Walking from the Overground is easy enough, past the Copper Box and then up to the sculpture of a giant bell, inscribed with Shakespeare’s lines from The Tempest, “Do not be afeard, the isle is full of noises.” Well, Shakespeare did come from Stratford.

The stalls outside the ground are predictably expensive, and we pay £6 for a pastie and £3 for potato wedges. But the branding is looking good and an hour before kick-off fans are posing before the crossed hammers and “We’ve got Payet” murals.

Inside the stadium each seat has a “commemorative plastic bag” that we hold up at kick-off to make a giant "come on you Irons". Matt, Lisa and Michael the Renaissance Fan are with us, with Michael pleasantly surprised by the stadium on his first visit. The opening ceremony sees all-white clad dancers holding up letters spelling out “Thank you founders” and giant claret and blue and Oxford blue Thames Ironworks shirts on the pitch. Then there’s lots of flames and fireworks and a woman singing God Save the Queen (not the Sex Pistols' version).

It’s difficult to read too much into the game as it’s essentially a pre-season friendly and with unlimited subs both teams change virtually their entire starting elevens. But it’s a pleasure to see stars such as legendary goalkeeper Buffon, Dani Alves, Dybala and latterly Higuain and Chiellini. Matt reveals that he last saw Buffon give way a rubbish goal for Italy Under-21s at Bristol City in 1988, not that he remembers every game.

Juventus play some really nice passing football early on and after Valencia hits the post, Juventus go ahead through the impressive Dybala. Winston Reid goes to ground for the second as Mandzukic finishes well.

“We can’t lose our own cup!” says Lola at 0-2 down.

“Well, we might get runners up medals,” I suggest.

Should we make a comeback we wonder if the Betway Cup will be added to the list of three honours on the Betway Stand. Fraser is still upset the Intertoto Cup hasn’t been included.

But better news for the Irons is that Andy Carroll is looking sharp. Byram’s cross sees Buffon make a great save from Carroll’s header, but Andy is sharp enough to poke home the rebound.

At half-time we retreat to the concourse where Lola and Michael discuss the musical Hamilton and Matt wonders why there’s a musical about Ukip’s leader in Wales.

DER DER DER ANDY CARROLL!

The second half sees sub James Collins raise the crowd with some timely clearances and Andy Carroll score with another thumping header from Noble’s free kick. The dream is back on. A bewildering number of substitutions follow but it’s good to see the likes of Reece Burke, Marcus Browne, Martin Samuelson, Ashley Fletcher and the lively Domingos Quina get work-outs. Though the biggest cheer is reserved for sub Dimitri Payet. When “We’ve got Payet!” rings round the stadium there’s some hope for a real atmosphere developing for future games.

Ginger Pele gets a huge cheer for tackling Higuain, meaning Collins is worth at least £100 million. But Juventus still continue to threaten and Simone Zaza hits the winner with five minutes left after the West Ham defence fails to counter a high ball.

We stay to see the Betway Cup presented to Gianluigi Buffon. “He might have won the World Cup, but the Betway Cup is the big one,” suggests Matt.

We find the walk to Hackney Wick is easy, though we discover that Number 90 doesn’t admit anyone in football shirts. The hipster bar Grow with its waterside terrace is more inviting for future visits. The station is surprisingly crowd-free and we even get a seat on the Overground.

We might have lost our first cup final of the season, but it’s been a fairly relaxed afternoon in the sun. Next week the real stuff begins.