Wayne's world

So it looks as if we're signing Wayne Rooney then. We should have everything he needs. The Olympic Stadium, Sugar Hut nightclub in Brentwood, Essex Girls (and grans), lots of tanning salons for Coleen and a chairman who can slip him a free copy of the Daily Sport. Sorted.

No, it's isn't. He's just signed a new five-year contract with Man United when we thought he was on his way to Sugar Hut to meet the Gullivan brothers over cocktails.