Below-par Hammers see off Villa

West Ham 2 Aston Villa 0

Inside Ken’s Café Lisa is ordering cheesy chips and Billy is shouting, “I can’t get through I’m trapped!” as he tries to return with his plates past a burgeoning queue. Michael the Renaissance Man arrives late and in a triumph of optimism over experience orders a big breakfast thinking he’ll make the kick-off. His Irons constitution manages to cope with some remarkably rapid ingestion before we leg it down the alleyway. As the café empties Carol offers to give Michael special treatment next time and ensure he makes the kick-off, while there’s a rare appearance of Kenneth himself from the back of the kitchen to greet his best customer.

YOU'VE ONLY GOT TEN MEN

Inside the East Stand the big news is Fraser’s opted for the Steptoe and Son look with a rakish neck scarf. West Ham start very slowly and the whole side looks jaded — possibly not surprising after a testing game at Anfield and with Tomkins playing with 13 stitches in a head would and Kouyate still feeling Saturday’s injury — with Villa shading it in the first ten minutes. An optimistic penalty appeal against Antonio is turned down after the ball hits his hand. Villa’s gameplan is ruined when Jordan Ayew stupidly elbows Cresswell in the face after 17 minutes. The crowd in the corner certainly spot it and the ref gives Ayew a straight red. He wasn’t provoked and it’s absolute stupidity. It’s noticeable he didn’t try to do it to Collins or Tomkins.

Nothing much else happens in the first half. Tomkins’ shot is headed over by Valencia and Enner hits a 40-yard free kick just wide and that’s it. Even Payet is anonymous. Playing against ten men who are bottom of the league, what could possibly go wrong? Surely it won’t be like the Hull game two seasons’ ago.

WHEREFORE ART THOU, ANTONIO?

Part-time Nigel turns up in the bowels of the East Stand at half-time complaining about the tube and saying he’s almost glad we’re going to the superior transport hub of Stratford. He hasn’t missed much. Matt is preparing for his night shift by watching the game in the pub and seems to have lost all his positivity, texting “Have our players bet on who can play worst? Think Antonio is winning but it’s very close.”

  

But the Hammers start much more positively in the second half, penning Villa back. Mark Noble produces a tremendous volley straight from a corner only to see it brilliantly saved by Bunn. Payet hits the post with a free kick and Richards makes a great clearance from Collins’ header.

Just as we’re thinking WHU will do everything but score, the breakthrough comes. Mark Noble swings in an inviting cross and Antonio does really well to head the ball into the far corner. Bunn appears to think it’s going wide as he barely moves. Phew. Mystic Matt has worked his magic on Antonio again.

CHEIKH MATE 

We still struggle to get a second, with Cresswell going close and Noble shooting just wide and Payet much more involved. The game drifts as Nigel asks me to tell the bloke from the Treasury in front of us that Carlton Cole scored for Celtic against Stranraer. Meanwhile having to drink soft drinks in the pub is clearly affecting Mystic Matt, who is texting, “Bilic could substitute 8 or 9 of them. Song, Valencia and Kouyate could all be hooked.” He’s done it again. From a Villa corner Valencia breaks and plays a perfect pass through to Kouyate who chips over the keeper to make it 2-0.

The Villa fans unveil a couple of anti-Lerner banners and we join in their chants of “sack the board!” They’ve been pretty noisy for fans of a team that are doomed and deserve better.

After three very late substitutions from Slaven, we head to the Central where Nigel is befriended by two angry cockney Villa fans raging at their defending for Kouyate’s goal. Michael the Whovian has an anecdote about holding a pub door open for Steven Moffat. As Nigel and Michael discuss David Cameron’s problems over an in-out referendum and whether British teams will still be able to play in Europe after Brexit, I’m able to quip, “It only took West Ham six games to get out of Europe this season.”

An important three points. A poor performance in the first half, but we’ve seen off a struggling team with ten men. That’s progress and we remain sixth. And on 39 points I think we’re safe…

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 5; Tomkins 6, Collins 6, Reid 6, Cresswell 6; Payet 7, Song 6, Kouyate 6 (Obiang n/a), Noble 8, Antonio 7 (Jelavic n/a); Valencia 6 (Moses n/a).

Drawing drawing West Ham

West Ham 0 Aston Villa 0

In Ken’s Café Michael the Whovian has just returned from a theatre-watching trip in New York. He’s seen Les Miserables and Showboat, musicals possibly based on former West Ham teams, and is now looking forward to the 90^th birthday party of Doctor Who and Coronation Street legend William Russell. We’re joined by Matt and Lisa and CQ and Nigel, who seems quite chipper despite AC/DC’s drummer being nicked for (allegedly) being on the Highway to Hell. Phill and Big Joe make a late appearance. While inside the stadium Fraser is modelling his early Dexys black woollen hat and the fans are thankfully not requested to strip off in aid of Feel ’Em Friday.

We’re playing a team that has lost six in a row with Benteke suspended so what could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot, we fear, as it’s all going too well at West Ham. Before the match there’s a minute’s silence for Remembrance Sunday. Early on Agbonlahor uses his speed to get round Collins and shoots over from a good position. But apart from that it’s West Ham pressure. Collins has a header saved from a corner, Valencia makes a great run down the left and his cross results in Baker blocking Noble’s goalbound effort.

BRAD TIMING

An Adrian punt is missed by Villa’s Cissokho and Sakho races down the right and crosses; the ball rebounds off a defender to Downing who hits a rising shot towards the top corner only to be foiled by a great reflex save from Brad Guzan. Weimann then shoots into the chest of Adrian, but the half ends with a great move between Jenkinson and Song setting free Downing on the left, only for Stewie to blaze over. The curse of the England call-up… There’s still time for a bizarre “we shall not be moved!” chant from the Villa fans, so elated are they to be drawing at a Champions League(ish) club.

At half-time Nigel’s mention of the tree-walk at Kew inspires a discussion of vertigo, something many West Ham fans are suffering from this season. CQ dispenses her lucky aniseed balls for the second half.

Cleverley shoots just over, but that’s the last Villa threat. Nolan replaces Kouyate, who’s had a quiet game, after 66 minutes and Carlton Cole comes on for Valencia after 75 minutes. Cole immediately has an effect swinging in a great cross that Sakho heads over. It’s the sort of chance Diafra’s scored with all season and there goes his chance of a Premier League record of seven goals in seven starts. Sakho then flicks a more difficult headed chance wide. Downing shifts over to the left wing and starts to combine well with Cresswell and gets in a steady stream of crosses. The crowd really get behind the team too in the latter stages, whereas last season they might have started complaining, which is encouraging.

Carlton Cole stays on his feet despite being tripped by Baker in the box, who injures himself in the process. Bizarrely the ref gives a free kick to Villa. Downing gets in a decent cross to the far post and Jenkinson sends a header straight at the keeper.

OH CARROLL!

On 92 minutes we send on Andy Carroll. You could argue that his injury has helped West Ham develop into a better team, with two strikers playing on the ground, but I’m still glad to see him back and he certainly gives another option up front. The Villa defenders certainly appear worried by AC. Downing gets in another fine cross, Carroll rises to head goalwards and Guzan pulls off another great save. That would have been a story. Still we come forward. A West Ham corner causes further panic as Song is blatantly brought down in the area. Michael the Whovian is so incensed he nearly Sonics the ref. The ball breaks to Downing who gets in a cross from the right and Carroll gets in another header that the keeper holds.

Respecting the pint in the Central

The Villa players celebrate at the final whistle and we retreat to the Central where we respect the pint. I’m not too despondent. We go fourth at least for a day. We’d have lost this game last year and the unbeaten run continues. Villa were possibly playing for their manager’s job and at some point their bad run had to end. We’ve created chances today and have been unlucky not to get two penalties.

The Central now stocks IPA (though not from a hand pump) and we amuse ourselves by looking forward to Andy Carroll’s stag party. Matt suggests that Hayden Foxe, Trevor Sinclair and Razor Ruddock will all be invited. It’s a two -week break now and despite the draw we can reflect on West Ham’s best ever start to a Premier League season. And hopefully having Sakho, Valencia, Cole and Carroll challenging for the striking positions will improve us even more.

PLAYER RATINGS: Adrian 6; Jenkinson 6, Reid 6, Collins 6, Cresswell 6; Song 6, Noble 6 (Carroll 6), Kouyate 4 (Nolan 5), Downing 7; Sakho 5, Valencia 6 (Cole 6).

Respecting the point (again)

West Ham 0 Aston Villa 0

Three lines down today, so end up taking a circuitous route to Barking on the Overground, though did manage to get some Palace away tickets at 9am. Strangely, my family have chosen to see The Nutcracker on Ice at the London Palladium, a show about the skating career of Julian Dicks, rather than visit WHU.

At the Newham Bookshop signed Harry Redknapp books and Morrissey’s Autobiography stand by Vivian’s door as I peruse the shelves. Matt, Nigel and Michael the Whovian are in Ken’s Café supping tea, as Matt says Petric injured himself warming up for the reserves, which sounds about right.  We arrive at the ground just in time to hear “Dirty northern bastards!” aimed at the Villa fans, as they have apparently broken the minute’s silence for the war dead.

THEY MUST HAVE COME ON A BIKE

Villa are playing in a lime green day-glow kit that looks like Her Indoor’s fluorescent cycling jacket, while their fans sing more “Kumbaya My Lords” than in the average evangelical church. Collison is in for Diame (is Mo injured?) and we persevere with out strikerless formation.

West Ham have a couple of scares early on, as a simple through ball sees Weimann get the wrong side of Tomkins and only a fine Jaaskelainen block prevents a goal. Then from a West Ham corner Villa break again and Weimann is heading towards goal pursued by Morrison. There’s a tussle on the edge of the box and Morrison’s arms clearly touch Weimann, but the ref rules it’s a fair challenge. Had it been a free kick Morrison would have been off, though it’s a sign of his growing maturity that he was the last man. 

West Ham have their moments too. Jarvis weaves across the front of the back four and has a shot saved by Guzan, and  Collison shoots into the side netting. Reid has another great game and Morrison displays easy mastery of the ball in midfield. Though the Vicar’s Son is still agitated by half-time.

WAITING FOR OUR MAN

Nigel dispenses CQ’s lucky aniseed balls at the break in the hope that they might facilitate a breakthrough. We discuss the death of Lou Reed, whom Fraser met twice, no doubt learning that I’m Waiting for My Man was written about Big Sam’s hopes that Andy Carroll might one day get fit.

Jarvis pulls back crosses to midfielders who aren’t there and Rat aims crosses towards that looming Carroll-shaped hole. We finally see Carlton Cole on after 62 minutes, along with Joe Cole, increasing our Cole factor by 200 per cent. Carlton looks rusty but does win a couple of headers and gives a focus to our attacks.

It’s Villa who nearly win it though. Benteke beats Tomkins to thump a header against the bar and then produces another fine tip around the post from Jussi.

Best chance of the game falls to Kevin Nolan after Downing’s clever reverse pass. But instead of shooting across goal he fires into the side netting and beats the ground in frustration. Joe Cole has looked way off the pace, but at least produces a great turn to force a save from Guzan.

RESPECTING THE PINT

We end up respecting the point and Big Sam says our game is only lacking a goal or two, which, call me old fashioned, I always thought was quite important. But at least it stems three home losses in a row and takes us up a place. Reid and Morrison were our best players today, Downing played pretty well too. Though we are currently the only team ever to try and stay in the Premier League without a striker. Rather like the case of Jarndyce and Jarndyce in Dickens’ Bleak House, we are expecting a judgement on Mr Carroll any day soon.

We retreat to the Boleyn where the bar staff have green skin for Halloween (unless they normally look like that?) and a crush at the bar results in London Pride from a hand pump, two pints of Carlsberg and a Becks. Nigel admires the interiors and Come on Eileen ends the day on a more satisfying note. Five clean sheets in ten games is a decent record, and we might have a half-decent side if we ever find a fit striker.

MATCH RATINGS: Jaaskelainen 8, Demel 6, Rat 7, Reid 8, Tomkins 6, Downing 7, Morrison 8, Noble 7, Collison 6, Nolan 5, Jarvis 6. 

We're gonna win the league! (possibly)

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 0

Was ascending Yewbarrow in Wasdale Head while the game was on, but in rare moments of phone reception in the Lake District it felt like I was virtually there. Matt reported that it was 140 degrees in Ken's Cafe and Alison and Scott asked is it only West Ham fans who form interminable queues for fish and chips on the hottest day of the year. Presumably we'll all be watching the Spice Girls in taxis (or more likely the Cockney Rejects) pre-match if we get the Olympic stadium. Caught the game on Match of the Day and it looked like a deserved win. The goal stems from a Noble free kick on the half way line. A Villa defender backheads the ball to Vaz Te who does well to centre and set up clucking Kevin Nolan for a tap-in. Carlton Cole is regularly clattered in the area and substitute Maiga almost makes it two when he rounds the keeper and has a shot cleared off the line. Matt reports that Villa were very poor, we had the best five chances and Diame and Collins were the men of the match. Three points will do me. And though I'll always be grateful to Robert Green for what he did for us, QPR losing 5-0 at home to Swansea rounds off the day nicely. So much for being a bigger club that West Ham. Back home for our visit to Swansea on Saturday and a train dash to South Wales. Irons!

Just relegation for the claret and blue?

West Ham 1 Aston Villa 2

Ah, no tubes again, must be a match day. The usual Diaspora of claret and blue legions carrying print-outs from Google maps trek from Canning Town station towards Upton Park.

My personal London Marathon passes the Newham Bookshop in Barking Road, where Vivian has many inducements on offer: Mark Thomas, Larry Lamb (Gavin’s dad in Gavin and Stacey) and Stacey Solomon (for details click the link above).

Then it’s on to Ken’s Café where Carol has a bad leg but is full of praise for Phill Jupitus, whom she’s seen perform in Spamalot. Nigel’s there with his mate Michael, a Plymouth fan, while The Gav is sampling Ken’s best bubble and designer coffee.

Strangely Matt, in Lanzarote with his brother, who's over from Australia, doesn’t fall for my text: “Stop press. Matty Etherington owned by third party (Ladbroke’s). Stoke thrown out of cup. West Ham now in semis.”

All is going well until Nigel opines: “If we lose today we’re down.” I’m inclined to agree with him, with Chelsea and Man City away coming up.

BEST OF BRITISH?
Entering the stadium we’re given “Best of British” claret and blue union jack flags that look like a job lot from Romford Market. Another silly marketing gimmick to go with the clapperboards and the SboBet scarves. What we need is something on the pitch to get the fans going, not PR stunts.

We have decent-ish first half and the perfect start – ahead through Keane’s smartly-taken opener in the second minute after Hitzlsperger heads a cleared corner back into the box. Villa have a seemingly good goal by Bent disallowed when the ref rules he’s pushed Jacobsen. Friedel makes a great stop low down from Cole, who is giving Dunne and Collins problems. But Villa equalise through Bent after Noble dallies on the edge of he box when he should hoof it. This allows the influential Young to get a cross in and Bent to head home. Still, at half-time we look good for a point at least.

Texts of doom arrive from Lanzarote: "Our inability to defend will relegate us," says Matt.

Why do we always play worse in the second half? The only time we’ve improved after the break was after Scott Parker’s speech at WBA. Surely this has to down to the manager? Villa start well with Green making fine saves from Bent and Ashley Young’s free-kick. They go on to absolutely dominate the second half.

We don’t look like a team scrapping for survival. We are heavy legged and strolling while Nigel Mediocre dominates midfield. Villa are a much better team than their position indicates, but without Parker we completely lack leadership.

Grant makes a bizarre substitution when he replaces Obinna, who’s had one of his better games, with the inexperienced Hines, whom we know can't turn a relegation six-pointer. It doesn’t help when Gary O’Neil goes off after being clattered in the box (surely a penalty even if the ball was played first).

Demba Ba comes on and we end up with a strange formation with Cole up front, Ba (who doesn’t look fit) out wide Keane floating somewhere unknown and the side being overrun in midfield. It’s like one of those Guardian Questions and Answers on the size of the universe – is it expanding, contracting or two dimensions contained within a third dimension? Whatever it is it isn’t working.

Matt texts from Lanzarote: “At Cesar Manrique’s cactus garden looking at a millstone – reminds me of WHU.” Matt isn't spineless, which is more than can be said for our midfield.

We finally force a corner towards the end and then a free kick on the edge of the box, but strangely we don’t allow Der Hammer to take it. But Villa’s winner is a sickener – arriving in the first minute of stoppage time. Green makes another good save but we can’t prevent Young getting in a cross for Agbonlahor to head home. We have conceded more goals from headers than any other Premiership side. They deserve it. The Brummies in the corner celebrate wildly as they reach 40 points. Even Fraser must be in danger of losing his Zen-like cool.

DOWN DOWN DEEPER AND DOWN
Nigel and myself traipse towards West Ham tube discussing who will stay and whether we can build a side round a new manager and Tomkins and possibly Noble if he stays and, erm, Specs and any kids we have left.

Nigel complains that he was 17 when we last won something. And we don't want to play sodding Millwall. Grant has been given the players to do the job — Ba, Bridge, Keane, O'Neil and the returning Hitzlsperger, but we’ve lost three in a row.

‘The results have gone for us elsewhere,” suggests Nigel.

“We’d be fine if we didn’t actually have to play ourselves,” I suggest.

We needed character today but we didn’t show any. And we won’t get a result at Chelsea or Man City unless we have the work rate as a base to then hope for a lucky break. Our only hope is that NATO will impose a no-flight zone around our penalty area.

This is the end my friend, the end. Can’t see any way out of this. We’re going to lose the next two away games and then the pressure of winning the last three will surely be too great.

Doncaster, Barnsley and Scunthorpe (if they stay up) here we come.

Zav it!

West Ham 2 Aston Villa 1

Chaos on the District line as usual. The tube stops at every station for five minutes due to “congestion”, so it’s a rushed cup of tea in Ken’s Café where a disconsolate Gav is waiting for DC, who’s got his ticket. No doubt they’ll be in for half-time. Even Mystic Morris misses the first 15 minutes, although Fraser and Matt are in situ for Bubbles time.

Zola and Clarke have made brave changes after Sunderland, dropping Spector and Tomkins for Faubert and Da Costa. There’s a nice reception for James Collins from the 32,000 Upton Park faithful, and much booing of Villa's sub Nigel Mediocre.

We start the game with plenty of desire, driving into Villa’s box. Noble has a stinging shot well saved well by Friedel. But after seven minutes Ilunga pulls up and is substituted by Spector, who’ll be playing on his weaker left side again.

Villa come back into the game. Young lashes in several vicious crosses and corners. Carew turns Da Costa too easily to get in a shot at Green. The ball drops to Petrov on the edge of the box and sumptuous volley is expertly tipped over by England’s Number One. The Vila fans serenade us with cries of “Shitty fans My Lord” to the tune of Cumba Ya My Lord.

Then on 31 minutes our sodding injury jinx continues as Carlton Cole pulls up with a hamstring strain. “That’s the end of our season…” suggests Mystic Morris.

Cole is replaced by Hines. We just want to reach half-time with a clean sheet, when the unthinkable happens in added time. Parker plays the speedy Hines through in the box and Zavon’s nudged in the back by Beye. Penalty! Not every ref would have given it, but there was contact. But no Diamanti on the pitch to take it. Braveheart Mark Noble steps up, despite recent failures, and fires into the roof of the net.

We hold out for half-time and start to fantasise about 15th place while debating who are the two most expensive English players not to have a cap (Nigel Reo-Coker and Curtis Davies apparently). Nigel Mediocre is on for the second half and is taunted by the Bobby Moore Stand. “If he scores he’ll make Adebayor look restrained,” suggests Nigel.

Villa win a soft penalty early in the second half. Nobody even seems to appeal for it. Da Costa makes a great leap to head clear but his knee accidentally catches Collins’s head. But Green excels again by saving Young’s badly-placed penalty.

Could this be the luck we need to get our home win? We’re starting to dream, which is always dangerous. In the 51st minute Young crosses from the left, except it turns into a fantastic goal, dipping wildly over Green, completely unlike Paul Konchesky’s intentional wonder strike in the 2006 FA Cup Final. Bugger. We’ve held our lead for six minutes.

Villa will surely go on to win it. Although Mystic May predicts a 2-1 home win when quizzed by Nigel.

And indeed, something extraordinary happens in the final half hour. We start to play with real spirit. Da Costa is much improved at the back, Parker is man of the match, winning countless balls, Franco is dropping deep to chip forward balls for Hines and Spector, yes Spector, is rampaging down the left flank.

Hines is terrifying the Villa defence, forcing mistakes through sheer exuberance and hard running. He shoots just wide after some typical harrying and then fizzes a shot across the face of the goal.

“Always said we should get rid of that donkey Cole,” I quip.

Faubert has a cross deflected agonisingly wide of the post by Ginger Collins. Noble, looking much more like the rampaging local hero of two seasons ago, forces another fine save from Friedel with three minutes left.

Spector is hauled down by Beye late on and it’s a second booking and a red card. For any other team this would be an advantage, but we’re always rubbish against ten men.

We move into four minutes of stoppage time. Jiminez comes on with regulation Hammers midfielder blonde tints, does well to win a corner and then takes a rubbish dead ball Villa win two corners Surely they won’t snatch a late winner?

You wonder if we should be holding the ball up, but Parker comes forward for one final surge, plays the ball into Hines who is surrounded by three defenders, but somehow he jinks inside Collins and Dunne, shuffles the ball from his left to right foot and has the composure to lift the ball over Friedel and into the net.

GOOOOOOOAAAL! Zavon and Faubert run for the corner flag and Upton Park celebrates as if we’ve just won the X-Factor and can finally pay Curbs and Sheffield United their money.

Hands are shaken and backs patted in the East Stand. Zola is jumping in the air. That’s the break we needed. A fantastic finish from Zavon that Zola himself would have been proud of. Small team in Dudley, you’re just a small team in Dudley!

There’s only half a minute left. Green gathers and it’s over. A delighted Zola runs on the pitch to hug Hinesy. Nigel gazes mistily at he league table calculating goal differences. We go above Wolverhampton Wanderers! We go above Blackburn Rovers!

We retreat to the Black Lion where a fine evening is rounded off by the guest ale being Maldon Gold from Essex. If only Gav was here and not in the Central he’d be in real ale dreamland. We watch the Sky highlights and still worry that Noble will miss his penalty and Villa will score late on.

And then the barmaid arrives with my season ticket, which I must have dropped on the floor buying a round (always dangerous to open your wallet in my opinion, but we had won).

“Tough luck mate! I’ve been trying to lose mine for years!” quips the fan at the next table. In the week that Matt has visited the Vatican asking the Pope about the doctrine of West Ham’s lack of infallibility, perhaps this is a sign. Don’t give up on the Irons and Zola’s immaculate conceptions. Many are called but few are chosen for the East Stand. Keep the faith and the righteous will be rewarded by our new Zaviour.

Villains in Robbery at Upton Park

West Ham 0 Aston Villa 1

The 5.30 kick-off leaves time for a visit to both the Newham Bookshop and Ken’s Café, where both Phill Jupitus and Hattie Haydridge from Red Dwarf are sitting in the green room, supping tea among the brown sauce bottles. At the counter the missus phones just as Carol is demanding to know my order and for a moment there’s a terrible dilemma as to who should take precedence.

Meanwhile Matt and Lisa announce, “Nigel is at a dinner party in Isleworth, although it’s not the sort of thing he’d like to see ridiculed in a blog”. And this after missing the Spurs game to be in a spa hotel.

The first half is a cracking match. Bellamy has rediscovered his pace and races clear early on to force a good save from Friedel. Davenport heads over from a corner. “That’s why you’re going down!” sing the Brummie contingent.

Agbonlahor then skins Neill to set up Sidwell for a chance he scuffs under pressure from Upson. Then Scott Parker makes a terrible back pass and Young bends the ball round Green and Davenport on the line to hit the post. Then Barry claims Neill gas held him back in the box.

But against one of the current big four we come back strongly. Bellamy makes a fine break and almost finds Cole in the areas, only for Carlton to fall over. Neill plays Bellers in down the line and he accelerates to pit in a low cross which Davies hits towards his own goal only for Friedel to make another fine save.

Behrami tests Friedel with a fizzing 30-yard shot (who doesn’t he do it more often?) and then Green makes a splendid double stop from Milner and Barry just before half-time. Matt texts Nigel to ask how the prawn cocktails are going down at Abigail’s Party. He texts back, claiming to be in a pub that is being smashed up by the Kew Garden Hammers.

In the East Stand we’re happy with the performance and discuss our options. Why isn’t Freddie Sears on the bench, we wonder?

“He’s a bit over-excited before Christmas,” suggests Fraser. “Yes, he was very disappointed with the Wolverhampton Lapland. He’s not in the right metal condition for the game,” adds Matt.

As for finances, we have that sussed. “Just give all the money to Etherington, only don’t let him place the best himself. As he’s not very good at winning.”

As for Carlton Cole’s new five-year contract: “It feels like a life sentence,” suggests Lisa. “With no chance of parole,” I add.

The second half sees 25 minutes of sustained WHU pressure. Neill, by now having a fine match, crosses for Cole to head a glorious chance over. Even Match of the Day calls it “a very bad miss”.

Matt is losing patience with our build up as Bowyer, able to shoot, tries to play in someone else. “Too f***ing intricate! Just f***ing shoot!” he bellows.

Then Bellamy wriggles down the left and plays the ball in to Cole who this time does well to poke the ball towards Friedel, who this time saves with his legs. We have several corners followed by headers wide of their goal. Nigel Reo Coker comes on to choruses of “F*** off Reo-Coker!” from the Bobby Moore Stand. It looks like we’re never going to score. But even a point would be good against Villa.

Only then Collison plays the ball behind sub Bowyer on the edge of Villa’s box and they break swiftly. Milner, on the edge of our area crosses, it deflects off Lucas Neill’s knee and lopes freakishly into our top corner of our net. Sod it. It’s probably been our best performance of the season.

There’s still time for a free kick to fall to Davenport in the box, only he fires the bal too high at Friedel, who makes another good save, A Michael Owen would have kept it low in the corner.

Despite four minutes of added time we slump to another undeserved home defeat. Unlike Nigel, now no doubt on the brandy and discussing rugger in Isleworth, we didn’t get our just desserts.