Drawing drawing West Ham

Aston Villa 1 West Ham 1

So Boxing Day ends with WHU's fifth successive draw. The latest injury victim is Jelavic who was replaced in the starting line-up by Valencia. A fine goal from Cresswell gave West Ham the lead in first-half added time. Found by Kouyate, Aaron drilled a great shot into the bottom corner from the edge of the area. Yet we allowed Villa back into it with a fairly soft penalty. Ogbonna should have been stronger,  but allowed Gestede to get in front of him and then tumble. Kouyate had headed Valencia's deflected shot on to the bar in the first half and Valencia went close with a late free kick that was tipped round the post by Guzan. Adrian also had to make a couple of fine saves. But we should really be beating a bottom-og-the-table team that hasn't won in 17 games, though there again it's the sort of game we used to lose. Now it's on to Southampton…

Clucking Kevin sees off Villa

Aston Villa 0 West Ham 2

I’m watching The Invisible Woman, a film about Charles Dickens’ affair with the actress Ellen Ternan, as my silenced phone starts to vibrate with incoming texts. Is it Hard Times after A Christmas Carroll or Great Expectations? Have to wait till the end of the film to discover it’s the latter as West Ham (Grad)grind out a result.

It’s another double from Kevin Nolan and we’ve won two in a row for the first time this season. The Match of the Day evidence shows West Ham missing a couple of good chances in the first half as Downing misses the ball from Jarvis’s cross and then Jarvis bursts through only to shoot wide under heavy pressure from Baker. In response Villa go close with a Lowton volley wide.

Borriello comes on for the second half and according to the press accounts does well. WHU instantly take the lead after the break. Downing turns Bertrand one way then another and crosses for Nolan to produce a great improvised backheeled finish. Kevin goes off clucking to the away fans. A minute later he does it again. The West Ham skipper shows more desire than Delph to win a tackle on the edge of the box and calmly pass the ball into the corner. A piece of pickpocketing worthy of Oliver Twist.

I was all for dropping Nolan and taking the captaincy away from him after the Fulham game, but if he keeps this up he’s going to pay the fans back for those silly sendings off. Andy who?

West Ham have some luck when sub Allbrighton clatters the post and the ball rebounds off Adrian’s heel to safety. Benteke hits the angle with a looping header but our defence holds out to keep another clean sheet. And believe it or not we now have 12 clean sheets, more than any other team in the division. Not even a black coffee stain on James Tomkins’ duvet, a speck of dust on Adrian’s pillow, or a drop of Peri-Peri sauce on Big Sam's black satin sheets.

It would be very like West Ham to now lose at home to Norwich after this, but we’ve put ourselves in a great position. A third win in a row and we’ll definitely be looking towards mid-table.

Kick-starting Villa's season...

Aston Villa 2 West Ham 1

Thankfully I miss the first twenty minutes of the game before making it to the Bank of Friendship. Weimann has already blown the chance of the season, shooting wide after Jussi parries the ball straight to him. The first half is terrible, poor passing, scrappy play and one low cross from Demel that is well intercepted by Clark is about all that happens. Matt texts “We just can’t pass the ball. Carroll poor so far. Hard to see how we can score. This is so bad I suspect they will switch to the rugby here.”

Allardyce’s formation is very negative, with Carroll labouring alone up front, three centre backs in Reid, Tomkins and Pogatetz and no Jarvis or Vaz Te selected. Wouldn’t it be nice just for once to attack a team that is in the bottom three, low on confidence and can’t keep leads?

West Ham start the second half with greater momentum and force a series of corners. Joe Cole plays in some decent crosses and Carroll has one cleared off the line by Bent. Though generally we make Villa’s centre backs appear superhuman in the air. Allardyce decides to bring on a flair player in Vaz Te far too late after 67 minutes. And why no £9 million Matt Jarvis?

The game turns on a clumsy challenge in the box by Noble on N’Zogbia after 74 minutes. Benteke coolly slots home the inevitable penalty. Four minutes later Tomkins gives a free kick away on the edge of the box and N’Zogbia, who hasn’t scored all season, curls a brilliant effort over the wall and into the net. Another player whose season we’ve kick-started.

We go for it — too late  — after that. Vaz Te has a header and shot wide and a series of high balls drift into the box. Carlton Cole comes on for Noble, but you somehow know that Vila will never blow another two-goal lead against us. Joe Cole curls in a good ball that Westwood backheads into his own net to give the Hammers some hope.

At the end of the four minutes of added time Guzan has to make good saves from Nolan and Carlton Cole, but it’s too little too late.

Five away defeats in a row isn’t good enough, 4-5-1 isn’t working and nor is the plan of playing for a draw against clubs in the bottom three. The football’s pretty terrible to watch too. The only good news is that I’ve made one pint of London Pride last all game, reducing the cost of this lunchtime torment. We desperately need to improve against Tottenham.

A mountain to climb…

Aston Villa 3 West Ham 0

You’d think you could escape the misery of being a West Ham fan on top of Scafell Pike, England’s highest mountain at 3247 feet. It’s not as if you can even get mobile phone access in most of the Lake District.

But no, as our family nurses sore calves and takes in a stupendous panorama of mountains and sea views across to the Isle of Mann, there's a group of lads who have discovered that there's mobile reception on top of Scafell Pike. And there’s one of them in a Chelsea shirt reading out the half-time score of “Aston Villa 2 West Ham 0”.

What should have been a triumphant return past Scafell Crag and down Brown Tongue to Wasdale Head is marred by the thought of impending defeat. And after a welcome pint of Ennerdale Blonde, the TV confirms we’ve lost 3-0.

Match of the Day proves we were abysmal. Admittedly Hitzlsperger and Behrami are injured, but a midfield containing Boa Morte, Kovac and Faubert looks weak from the start, and we’re playing Cole alone up front. And what’s the point of signing Piquionne and Barrera and not playing them?

Early on James Tomkins is apparently dreaming of a host of golden daffodils, loses the ball to Carew and then prods the ball against his own post. It gets worse. Green punches clear — Alan Hansen thinks he should have caught the ball — but makes a good save only for Downing to score from the rebound. Poor Robert is bereft of defensive help and looks as lonely in his penalty area as Alfred Wainwright on one of his solitary fell walks. On 40 minutes Petrov beats Faubert in the air to score with a fine header.

At half time Grant brings on Frederic Piquionne and Barrera. Boa Morte has a shot on target saved and Freddie sets up Gustave Faubert only for the French novelist to shoot wide in the manner of Madam Bovary.

That’s about it from WHU. Poor Tomkins is skinned by debutant Albrighton who tees up Milner to score a farewell goal. Tomkins is subbed off for Diamanti and there’s time for Green to scramble across the goal as Villa hit both posts.

We’ve lost 3-0 to a team without a manager that’s about to sell its best player to Man City.

Monday’s Guardian comments: “If West Ham play like this for the rest of the season they will be relegated.”

It’s all very worrying. Does Grant know his best side? Will Tomkins ever fulfil his undoubted potential or is he a Championship player?

For the Bolton game we should give Winston Reid or Da Costa a chance at centre back and buy a proper right-back. We should play Barrera out wide as he cost £4 million and play Piquionne alongside Cole. And hope that Behrami, Hitzlsperger and Collison eventually return to reinforce the midfield.

Still as Nigel texted on Monday night: “If the Red Scum win 4-0 we’re out of the bottom three.” Which, of course, meant than Man United won 3-0 and we’re in the drop zone already.

Green day

Aston Villa 0 West Ham 0

Times are desperate so we’re watching the game live on Sky in the Lucky Pub. None of us can tell you where it is or we have to kill you — but various members of our crew have seen West Ham win 3-2 at Highbury, beat Ipswich 2-0 away in the play-offs, win at Sunderland and draw at Anfield in this venue.

Nigel and CQ arrive late, laden down with grooming products and Body Shop-style pampering equipment because it was going cheap in the West End. Nigel declares that if we beat Villa it's our first double of the season. Matt and Lisa complete the Sunday luncheon club as we try to get the landlord to switch over from the cricket.

We’re playing a five-man midfield with just Nouble up front. Early on the young striker runs from the half way line and with the confidence of youth murders Dunne and Collins for pace as he races through for a one-on-one with the keeper, only to blast over as Cuellar lunges in.

Then it reverts to form. We work hard but can’t hold on to the ball and Villa make several chances and win numerous corners. Green brilliantly tips away a lifted cross come shot from Ashley Young. Then Agbonlahor swivels in the box and Green makes a fantastic one-handed stop. He shows the other side of his game by dropping a cross. But it’s 0-0 at the break and another pint of Master Brew please.

In the second half Milner hits the outside of the post after a great move and Ginger Collins volleys just wide. Green is caught out trying to dribble the ball but survives. Parker goes off with a thigh injury and is replaced by the snood-wearing Diamanti. (Possibly the worst accessory ever worn by a West ham player — what would Dicksy say? Will he play with a man bag next?)

Carew has the ball in the net after Green spills Downing’s shot, but he’s correctly ruled offside. The booked Kovac nearly goes off, but luckily his foul on Petrov goes unpunished, and Franco sensibly subs him for Stanislas. Tomkins and Upson are playing well at the back and even Faubert isn’t bad.

The tension is too much for Matt: “Nouble keeps falling over! Why can’t Behrami pass straight? Where is Collision? We’re not playing well at all!”

“You wouldn’t think we’re 20 minutes away from a point at a top six team would you?” intones Nigel, sagely prodding his overcooked roast beef.

"Do we go out of the bottom three if we get a point?" I wonder.

"Don't say that! It's a competition between you and Nigel to see who can say the stupidist things!" exclaims Matt, fearing I've jinxed the Irons.

Nouble is doing a good job keeping the Villa defence occupied and slowly we come into the game. Stanislas blasts in a low cross from the right and Collins deflects the ball past his own post. Dimanti has a scuffed shot and Friedel punches Behrami and the ball in the melee.

We make it to 90 minutes. Only then Agbonlahor is through one on one with Green and this is surely another injury time defeat, but no his control is poor and Green pulls off another fantastic stop.

Added time goes on forever, Da Costa replaces Nouble after 94 minutes, but finally it’s over. A point!

We rode our luck but three fantastic saves from Robert Green (30 this weekend) and some great blocks from Tomkins and Upson have kept us in it.

Nigel and CQ leave to sample some grapefruit body scrub and strawberry body polish and Matt and Lisa head off to the Courtauld to see Frank Auerbach, whoever he plays for. The Lucky Pub has worked its magic again. Best not go there again until the survival decider.

Tristan handy

Aston Villa 1 West Ham 1

Strangely, Nicola’s mum’s 70th birthday celebrations at Duck Cottage in Herts aren’t halted to watch Sky Sports News. But managing to sneak the TV on after chocolate cake, profiteroles, meringue, rhubarb fool and coffee, there’s the news that we’ve achieved an admirable away point at a ground where we traditionally lose. And all without Parker, Kovac, Spector, Collison, Behrami and Cole.

Match of the Day reveals it to have been an open game. Stanislas goes straight through their defence but Friedel saves his shot early on. After that it’s mainly Villa. Heskey scores from Milner’s cross and that usual defeat appears very likely. Barry heads inches wide, Young fires against the outside of the post, Green smothers from Heskey and after a terrible back pass from Noble, Heskey hits the inside of the post.

Yet we rally in the second half. Noble has an effort saved. A neat back-heel from Di Michele causes confusion in their box and Boa Morte’s shot is blocked by Friedal. In the 85th minute sub Kieron Dyer shoots from the edge of the box and the maligned Diego Tristan expertly twists to head the ball home with the assurance of a natural goal poacher.

According to Mike, enjoying a refreshing "kipper tie" in Birmingham with Big Jo and Smaller Jo, this resulted in the memorable chant of "You twats, you let Diego score!"

There’s still time for Noble’s deflected shot to be tipped over by the stretching Friedel and Villa to be denied a clear penalty when Tomkins plays basketball in our area but luckily the ref misses it.

Spurs are only one point behind, but we have to be happy with an away point. There’s something admirable about Zola’s reluctance to moan about injuries. Instead he talks up the opportunities for other players and it seems to be working. He's also picking up the Redkapp-esque art of managerspeak, declaring "We are down to our bare bones - much like a lot of this season - but I don't complain. At the end of the day perhaps I should be happy with a point."

Stanislas has played four games in a row, Boa is looking more confident, Tristan has had a run and a goal and Lucas Neill has become a midfield enforcer. Noble had a good game too, apart from that iffy back pass, and is benefiting from the extra responsibility. Five games to go and we’re still in contention for the Europa League. We’ll have to bring back Jimmy Walker to brush up on the Euro-banter.