In the Best Meze Cafe we find Nigel, Matt and Michael, who is gifting Lisa a signed programme of The Fizz (formerly Bucks Fizz, but with two new boys alongside Cheryl and Jay) from their concert in deepest Eastleigh. It seems Michael has now usurped Lisa as The Fizz's number one fan. Will West Ham's indecision take them from behind we wonder?
The conversation segues from obscure grounds Matt and Nigel have visited to how Palace used to be nicknamed the Glaziers and why West Brom are nicknamed both the Baggies and the Throstles. We head beneath grey skies to the London Stadium, as Michael makes the dangerous admission that for once he is looking forward to a game.
Bad news is that Soler isn't fit to start so Cresswell comes in to a five-man defence in a side that is already missing Bowen, Fullkrug, Summerville, Antonio and Todibo. The game is terrible from the off, a series of misplaced passes and the two sides cancelling each other out. Mateta has a shot well saved by Fabianski and that's about it. The Fulham game has clearly taken a lot out of the side with Paqueta uninspired, though that doesn't explain why Palace look fresher as they also played in midweek.
At half-time Matt has endured enough ribbing about his yellow hoodie matching the Crystal Palace's away kit and places his West Ham hoodie over the top of his Palace one, creating a sort of half-and-half hoodie effect. There's a sense of trepidation as we discover that Nigel has forgotten his lucky banana.
Soler comes on for Rodriguez at the break, but again West Ham concede just after half-time. Eze plays a fine through ball to Mateta, Kilman backs off too much and Mateta fires into the corner with a hard low shot from the edge of the area. Fabianski should perhaps have done a bit better too.
DINOS DISASTER
The Greek Bloke picks up a booking for pulling back Mateta after the Palace man has outsped him. There's a little improvement when Potter brings on youngsters Ollie Scarles and Lewis Orford, who is making his debut. Young Orford looks confident and does a decent job keeping his passes simple. Scarles gets in a couple of dangerous crosses, Kudus runs into three men most of the time and Alvarez has a shot wide. Though poor Danny Ings can only tilt at gigantic centre backs like the Don Quixote of E19.
Fabianski has to race out of goal to save at the feet of Palace sub Nketiah. The game is effectively over when the Greek Bloke is beaten by Mateta and then catches him in the chest with a raised boot. It's clumsy rather than malicious but poor old Dinos is an error waiting to happen. Matt wonders if the Greek custom of smashing plates was invented by the Mavropanos family.
All that's left is for Mateta, the sort of striker WHU need, to play in Nketiah, who is brought down by Fabianski, possibly unnecessarily, as Wan-Bissaka was also in with a chance of tackling. To round off our day a bad penalty squirms under Fabianski's body for two-nil. Nigel suspects the words "reality check" will be appearing in most match reports. We've not had a shot on target. Potter can now see the reasons why he got the job. He urgently needs to sign a striker, get some players back and tighten the defence.
We head to the Eagle, which is at least warm, has Meantime in the fridge and Arsenal versus Villa on the TV. Michael dispenses career advice on theatre and musical performance and Sinead, back from Ireland, sees we are in need of a tonic and brings over several glasses of Baby Guinness. The best result of the day.
PLAYER RATINGS: Fabianski 5; Wan-Bissaka 5, Kilman 5, Mavropanos 3, Cresswell 5 (Scarles 6), Emerson 5 (Orford 6); Rodriguez 4 (Soler 4), Alvarez 4 (Guilherme 5), Paqueta 4 (Ings 4); Kudus 5.
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