City ease their way to title

Manchester City 3 West Ham 1

We're off to the Lucky Pub, the Leicester Arms, for this title decider. Matt and Lisa are planning a mini-break to Suffolk while Nigel and CQ are back from seeing the Boss in Ireland. Though Jarrod Bowen is not Born to Run today as he's absent with tonsillitis. While Matt isn't boosted by the return of Dinos, being worried about Greeks bearing gifts 

What little hope there is for the Hammers disappears after two minutes as Foden slips inside Ward-Prowse and unleashes a rocket into the top corner. A brilliant goal and Foden would probably get into our team, we reflect. West Ham just can't get the ball off City as Areola has to make a fine flying save from Doku. 

It's two when the slippery Doku crosses for Foden to get between Zouma and Ward-Prowse and guide the ball past the Fonz. Luckily we don't concede a third and defend a little better than at Chelsea, though it's a mystery why Alvarez hasn't started as Ward-Prowse and Soucek are being bypassed in central midfield. 

Kudus fires a shot at Ortega as West Ham come back into it slightly. We gain a corner just before the break and astonishingly Mo Kudus scores with a brilliant overhead kick. It could be goal of the season if we hadn't already voted. 

There's some optimism in the pub and at the Emirates at the break as we order more Neck Oil. So the last thing we need is Areola to make a mistake, allowing Rodri's shot to slip through his hands for number three. Game over and Haaland almost makes it four as he shoulders the ball just wide. Late on West Ham get a late corner and Soucek appears to have scored although VAR reveals it's an obvious handball.

At least it's not been a thrashing. City celebrate their fourth successive title, which is surely bad for football, and Declan Rice has still only won silverware at West Ham.

Nigel and CQ head off for a prog rock jamming session, while Matt and Lisa digest the news that Brentwood FC have lost 3-2 on penalties to Bowers and Pitsea. So another season ends and we can regroup in August with a new gaffer. Is it too early to say "Lopetegui out!"? Have a good summer all Hammers fans.