It's down to just Michael and myself in the Billy Bonds stand as the game kicks off, with Matt and Lisa delayed at work, Gavin fighting a battle with the West Ham ticket office over a mislaid email with Nigel's ticket, Nigel away on a scouting mission and Fraser watching at home.
Within three minutes West Ham are behind. Zouma plays a poor backwards pass to Kalvin Phillips in a dangerous area. Phillips, lacking match fitness, is indecisive under a challenge from Christie and toe-pokes it straight to Solanke, who scores the easiest goal of his career. Ref Tim Robinson disallows it for offside, only for VAR to show that Phillips got the final touch and the goal stands.
West Ham look way off the pace and playing four central midfielders in Alvarez, Phillips, Soucek and Ward-Prowse just isn't working, while poor Zouma runs with a limp looking increasingly like a centre back held together with gaffer tape. At least Matt, Lisa and eventually Gavin join us. The Irons can't cope with Bournemouth's pressing game and soon Cook is shooting narrowly wide.
It should be two for the Cherries when Areola makes a brilliant save to foil Semenyo. Towards the end of the half the Hammers improve a bit. Ward-Prowse has struggled on the left but gets in a great cross for Bowen to head against Neto. But in another dangerous break, Semenyo has a shot deflected just over.
At half-time we're joined by Garry the son of Ken and Carol of Ken's Cafe fame, plus his daughter Millie. They collect a couple of copies of Massive: The Miracle of Prague and Millie even has a photo taken with the author. The best moment of the game so far.
JUST SOLD MY HOUSE TO JAMES WARD-PROWSE
The crowd do their best to get West Ham going in the second half, with the returning Mo Kudus our best hope. He makes a surging run into the box and is brought down by Kelly. The ref doesn't give it, but VAR intervenes. The ref appears to be time-wasting as he slowly walks to the monitor, but eventually gives the penalty. Ward-Prowse puts it straight down the middle and scores.
Ings comes on for Phillips but it's still a struggle as the Cherries threaten. Bowen heads wide from a Ward-Prowse free-kick but chances are few. Zouma has shown character to play through his dodgy knee problem, as he makes a lumbering charge forwards inspiring some literary comparisons from Michael. Dinos has a pretty good game at the back.
The Vicar's Son becomes increasingly exasperated by the ref giving us very little, the play-acting of the Bournemouth players going down with cramp and a late flag, at which point he accuses the lino of being an anchor, or something like that.
Late on Areola has to make another fine save to deny Kelly. Christie is booked for a cynical foul on Kudus, while Bowen plays like he's not yet fully fit. "What is the point of that!" howls Matt in a fit of existential despair when Cornet comes on the the 96th minute.
We head off down the walkways to the Eagle, past the flats that Matt says are used as the setting for the film All Of Us Strangers. At least the East London Pale Ale is refreshing. I'm grateful for a point in a game where we played badly. West Ham haven't won this year in five games, though to be fair we're unbeaten in the league with three draws. Things might get better with Coufal and Aguerd to return to the side, plus maybe even Antonio and eventually Paqueta, though currently we really struggle without Lucas. Phillips will get match fit and Bowen will get sharper after his injury.
Then comes the deadline day news on the TV and it seems we can't even sell players effectively, though that might help our small squad. Time for another drink.
PLAYER RAINGS: Areola 8; Johnson 6, Zouma 5, Mavropanos 7, Emerson 6; Phillips 5 (Ings 5) , Alvarez 6, Soucek 5, Ward-Prowse 6; Kudus 7 (Cornet n/a), Bowen 5.
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